Welcome to the funniest stories of 2011. I hope you enjoy this one, because on the extremely remote chance the Mayans just happen to be correct with their calendar, then we may not have another edition at the end of 2012. So let’s get right to it.
If you wonder why America’s in trouble these days, maybe it’s because so many people are asleep at the switch.
Case in point: Harry Belafonte, the American singer who grew up in Jamaica and became world famous for his “Banana Boat Song.”
Harry has since become a left-wing activist, and during what was supposed to be a live news interview with a CBS affiliate, Belafonte just didn’t realize it was already Day-O. See for yourself here:
Maybe it was all that “work all night on a drink of rum.” But apparently, daylight come and he wanna go home and snooze.
It was truly a wild kingdom this year when it came to the world of animals.
For instance, anyone who has ever had to chase down a pet knows what a pain it can be. Now just imagine your dog getting loose in a park, and sparking a stampede of deer.
That’s exactly what happened to this man in Britain, who had a meltdown when his Labrador named Fenton couldn’t resist going after the herd.(Warning: The frazzled man happens to use the name of Jesus amid the mayhem.)
Meanwhile, a couple of furry friends got somehow connected to that historic bad boy, Adolf Hitler.
|Goldie practices her salute.
Goldie the German Shepherd caused some public barking when the dog starred in a TV drama about the Hindenburg airship disaster.
The canine’s offense? It had been taught to replicate the Nazi salute to Hitler.
Animal lover Jens Mueller from Berlin said: “At the very least, it is politically incorrect. Why make a poor dumb animal pay reverence to history’s greatest killer?”
Actor Hannes Jaenicke trained Goldie to do the salute by giving the pup a biscuit each time, and noted, “Animals are strictly regulated when they work for German TV.”
Who’da thunk the Germans of all people would have strict regulation?
|Kitler just sayin’ “Heil.”
And then there was the case of Kitler, the kitten that looks like Hitler.
Kitler was abandoned kitten in the United Kingdom, and given the unique name because her facial markings seemed “spot on.”
Tara Dundon at the local animal shelter said the feline’s face was apparently too much for some people:
”We rehome five and a half thousand animals every year but we cannot find a loving owner for Kitler. We think her unusual markings are putting people off.”
Putting people off? What’s wrong with the Brits? Bring that cat to America, and there’s a goosestepping career for her in Hollywood.
But if you’re wondering where all the real cat lovers are, here’s the biggest one of all time.
She posted what was claimed to be an eHarmony dating video on YouTube, and 16 million people have clicked on her profession of love for cats. This is a must-see if you haven’t viewed it yet:
Many people for days thought this thing was the real deal, but it turns out “Debbie” is really Cara Hartmann, who posted the video as a parody.
Her creativity, though, has inspired a number of imitations that can be seen here, with people emotionally proclaiming their love for hats, rats, pizza, bacon and even snakes.
Speaking of snakes, the world is mourning the loss of one reptile who had lunch one day at the wrong eatery during a photoshoot.
The boa constrictor was being handled in Tel Aviv by Israeli model Orit Fox, who, to put it mildly, has been surgically enhanced and was letting everyone know. But when Ms. Fox moved in for a kiss of the snake, the boa let her know that he was not her bosom buddy, and went to town on her chest.
The model was rushed to a nearby hospital and given a tetanus shot, but the snake wasn’t so fortunate, and died from silicone poisoning. And now you know … the breast of the story.
Something special in the air
I know there are times when all of us feel like we’re about to drop a bomb in our pants, but the Transportation Security Administration thinks babies might actually be carrying real explosives in their diapers.
A photo that emerged from the Kansas City airport shows TSA henchmen doing their best to get to the bottom of the matter.
|When children’s diapers get more explosive than usual.|
The TSA defended itself, writing: “We reviewed the screening of this family, and found that the child’s stroller alarmed during explosives screening. Our officers followed proper current screening procedures by screening the family after the alarm, who by the way were very cooperative and were on the way to their gate in no time. The child in the photo was simply receiving a modified pat-down.”
That’s just lovely. Little kids getting their poopers checked by federal gropehounds are just getting “modified pat-downs.” The real molesting is apparently left for everyone else.
On a wingnut and a prayer
It’s ironic, because while innocent little children get harassed, authorities have no problem letting clowns like this board a plane.
|This is NOT a flight attendant|
This “man” was thrilled to be flying from Fort Lauderdale to Phoenix in June aboard US Airways, but other passengers on the flight were less than giddy.
One of them was Jill Tarlow, who complained to management before snapping the glamour shot.
“No one would believe me if I didn’t take his picture,” Tarlow said. “It was unbelievable. … And he loved it. He posed for me.”
US Airways spokeswoman Valerie Wunder said employees had been correct not to ask the man to cover himself.
“We don’t have a dress-code policy,” Wunder told the San Francisco Chronicle. “Obviously, if their private parts are exposed, that’s not appropriate. … So if they’re not exposing their private parts, they’re allowed to fly.”
An online commenter noted, “I bet the TSA guys were fighting over who was gonna get to do the hand search.”
Give me a brake
In this video age, you never know what kind of footage you’re going to find.
Case in point is this police video of a brakeless driver who did his best Fred Flintstone impression, stopping his vehicle by dragging his feet on the pavement.
Unfortunately, his fancy footwork did not preclude him from hitting other vehicles.
“This guy’s no rocket scientist,” said James Berlin of the Roseville, Mich., police department. “Citizens were calling in saying this guy is all over the road, using his feet.”
Berlin said the man had to go to court “to explain his moronic decision-making.”
Clearly, it’s a case of Yabba Dabba Don’t.
Breaking wind news
Covering the news is always a gas, and 2011 was no exception.
Let’s start with Congressman Barney Frank, who was accused of floating an air biscuit on MSNBC. You be the judge:
Ironically, at the top of the screen during the alleged emission, the MSNBC graphic stated, “Lean Forward.”
Washington Post blogger Alexandra Petri asked, “Did Barney Frank fart on Rachel Maddow’s show last night? I hope so.”
One online commenter said, “It’s the chair,” but another opined, “You just heard the mating call of the Americus Homo Sexualis on live TV.”
Meanwhile, the African country of Malawi actually talked about making flatulence a criminal offense, not to mention a nasal one.
One Malawian told the website Africanews.com: “My goodness. What happens in a public place where a group is gathered. Do they lock up half a minibus? And how about at meetings where it is difficult to pinpoint ‘culprits’?
“Children will openly deny having passed bad air and point at an elder,” she said.
But the biggest stink involved U.S. Marines stationed in Afghanistan.
The Marine Corps Times reports American warriors were warned not to do their blasting audibly, because it offends Afghans.
One person wondered: “How and the heck are you supposed to open a can of whoopa– without lettting the gas out?”
The Times published a hilarious list of dozens of exquisite synonyms for letting one rip, including “backdoor trumpets,” “barking spiders,” “Chanel No. 2,” “talking pants” and, of course, “grounds for divorce.”
Jesus was thought to make His annual guest appearances before His Second Coming, as people believed they caught glimpses of the King of kings in ordinary objects.
San Francisco pilot Sandra Clifford snapped a mysterious image on Ireland’s Cliffs of Moher, and thought it was Jesus immediately.
|The Rock of salvation?|
Jesus was also thought to be seen in a wooden chair that Lou Balducci of Mission Viejo, Calif., was about to throw away.
|The Tree of eternal life?|
I don’t know how it got there, but it is clearly an image of Jesus,” Balducci told the local NBC station.
But the most interesting one of 2011 comes from an engaged couple in Anderson County, S.C., who found a face on their receipt from Walmart.
|Is this the face of Jesus, or just that panhandler who hangs out at the 7-Eleven at 3 a.m.?
“I was leaving the kitchen and I just looked on the floor, and it was like it was looking at me,” Jacob Simmons said.
I find it somewhat ironic that Jesus would be on a Walmart receipt, because I was under the impression that Kmart is the Saving Place.
Sealed with a diss
What is the deal with the President Obama and the presidential seal?
It seems the famous insignia has a problem recognizing the commander in chief, or maybe just his eligibility for office, because it keeps detaching itself from the nation’s top Democrat.
The seal on Obama’s official limousine, known as “the Beast,” flew off the limo on an interstate highway near Philadelphia this summer.
The seal was thought to be lost until a city police officer found it on the side of the highway.
The Secret Service said members of Obama’s motorcade actually saw the seal become unhinged from the Beast as it rolled down the highway, and a group of law-enforcement officers hunted for the item unsuccessfully in the dark.
This is not the first time the presidential seal has rejected this president.
In 2010, during an address in Washington, D.C., another presidential seal plunged off the front of the podium and landed on the floor.
“Aw, goodness. That’s all right,” Obama said. “All of you know who I am. But I’m sure there’s somebody back there that’s really nervous right now. Don’t you think? They’re sweatin’ bullets back there right now.”
Meanwhile in November, Obama’s popularity, or lack thereof, became an international sensation when a Russian TV newswoman apparently flipped the American president the bird during one of her newscasts.
At least Obama can revel in the fact that he’s still No. 1 in that newscaster’s mind.
And the wiener is …
Finally, a look at 2011 wouldn’t be complete without some frank talk about the wiener of the year: Anthony Weiner, that is.
The New York Democrat stepped down from his seat in Congess after sending pictures of his own, uh, personhood to a 21-year-old woman in Seattle.
Weiner, known for leaning to the left (perhaps not just politically), became instant fodder for major news organizations which unleashed some of the most creative newspaper headline writing in American history.
Among the classic titles:
- Weiner Lets It All Hang Out
- Weiner Exposed
- It Could Be My Weiner
- Boehner Won’t Bite on Weiner
- Obama Beats Weiner
- Hide the Weiner
- Anthony Weiner’s Junk Defense
- Weiner Is Shrinking
- Weiner Gets Grilled
- Weiner: “I’m Sorry I Was a Little Stiff Yesterday”
- Mounting Pressure on Weiner
- Weiner Pulls Out
- Weiner Bawls
And there you have it, folks. We actually survived another year despite the best attempts of the powers that be to make sure we didn’t.
I extend my heartfelt best wishes for a safe and prosperous new year to my fellow Americans in all 57 states.