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My presidential platform

Posted By Burt Prelutsky On 05/08/2012 @ 8:19 pm In Commentary,Opinion | No Comments

A while back, one of my readers, whom we’ll call Cosmo, sent me an angry challenge. He wrote: “I watch Fox, I listen to Rush, and I read you. I do this because I’m trying to understand conservatives. I see them and you bashing liberal policies, but I don’t see any of you coming up with alternative policies.”

To be totally honest, I never really thought it was my mission to come up with alternative policies. I figured it was enough that I pointed out how awful the policies of this current administration are and how great a menace Barack Obama, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi, our own little axis of evil, pose to America and our allies.

Iran, Syria and North Korea are evil and dangerous, but they don’t have the power to destroy our freedoms or scuttle our economy. They might wish to see us on our knees, but they simply don’t have the ability to saddle us with a debt that will make our currency worthless, turn our children and grandchildren into paupers and leave our military in shambles.

Still, I am not one to shirk a challenge. So I sent Cosmo the following message: “I can’t speak for Rush Limbaugh or Fox News, but this would be my platform if I were the Republican candidate running against Obama. First off, I would cut spending drastically. That would mean that we all face up to the fact that Social Security and Medicare cannot continue as they are. If that requires raising retirement age or even reducing payments across the board by, say, 5 percent, so be it. Either we act like mature adults or we slaughter the goose that lays the golden eggs.

“We join with Israel to end Iran’s nuclear ambitions, and we provide Poland and the Czech Republic with the missile-defense program they were promised before Obama caved to Russia’s demands. Next, we let Russia know that there’s a new sheriff in town. When they ask something of us, we say, ‘Nyet. You guys don’t get to keep opposing us in the U.N. when it comes to Syria and then expect us to do you bums any favors.’

“That reminds me, we get out of the United Nations. Then we sell the U.N. building to Donald Trump, so he can tear it down, fumigate the property, and turn it into anything he likes, so long as it doesn’t look like something that will remind us of all the billions of dollars we sank into the most corrupt organization this side of the Arab League and the Congressional Black Caucus.

“We OK the Keystone Pipeline, and we start drilling for oil on federal lands, including ANWR. We take the federal boot off the neck of the coal industry. And then we take the EPA out behind the woodshed and give those fascistic bureaucrats a spanking they’ll never forget. We also quit pretending that wind power and solar power will ever replace fossil fuel. And if electric cars are so great, we’ll allow private capital to invest in them. If there’s an actual market, American entrepreneurs can be counted on to cash in on it.

“We quit behaving like America is a Third World country where people would starve on the streets if 50 million of them weren’t provided with food stamps and if school kids weren’t given tax-subsidized breakfasts, lunches and dinners. If parents couldn’t provide their kids with three meals a day, they would be charged with child abuse, and the kids would be placed in foster homes or up for adoption.

“Single mothers would have to come up with the name of the sperm donor, who, in turn, would be made responsible for child support. Welfare for unwed mothers would be but a vague and unpleasant memory.

“Abortions would be outlawed. If in 2012, with all the birth control pills and devices available, people are still getting pregnant accidentally, it should be a criminal offense. And both the sperm donor and the recipient should be carted off to jail, where they would be better off in any case, because they are simply too dumb to be allowed to walk around.

“We would never again speak of ‘social justice,’ and there would be no such thing as a ‘hate crime.’ Justice would be equal for the rich and the poor, for blacks, browns and whites, and no crime would be regarded as more serious simply because the victim happened to be a homosexual, a black, a Hispanic or a Jew. Also, the federal government would no longer trample on the Fifth Amendment by using a violation of a person’s civil rights as an excuse to ignore the Constitution’s protection against double jeopardy, as happened in the Rodney King case … and as I suspect will occur again if George Zimmerman is found not guilty by a jury of his peers.

“We make English our official language, meaning that ballots will no longer be printed in a hundred different languages; we do away with dual-citizenship; we insist on photo IDs in all elections; we insist on employers eVerifying all employees and suffering severe consequences if they don’t; we deny all services to anyone not able to prove that he’s in this country legally; and we stop encouraging foolishness by once and for all defining marriage as a union of one man and one woman.

“The 14th Amendment will be amended so that citizenship is not automatically granted to anchor babies born to illegal aliens, and we do so on the grounds that nobody is ever entitled to profit from the commission of a crime.

“I would indict anyone who intimidates voters, no matter the race of the intimidator. At the same time, I’d push for a mandatory sentence of 10 years in a federal pen for anyone found guilty of election fraud. I would also indict the likes of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson, for everything from extortion to inciting violence.

“When it comes to voting, those who are 18-21 would be allowed to vote only if they were members of the military. After 21, any American citizen could vote so long as he’s filed a federal tax return. Nobody who is still in school and being supported by his or her parents would be enfranchised.

“The tax code would be revised so that every adult would pay something, and no one would be given a rebate larger than the amount paid in, as is often the case under the present system.

“I would limit unemployment payments to 26 weeks. It’s supposed to be a safety net, not a permanent hammock.

“We do away with the current system of ‘higher education.’ High school graduates would go to the trade school of their choice, be it for plumbing, car repair, architecture, accounting, law, dentistry, carpentry or nursing. No more of these four-year vacationlands that force parents to mortgage their homes and youngsters to mortgage their futures just so bureaucrats will have well-landscaped principalities. Moreover, professors who work 10 hours a week will no longer pull down six-figure salaries, and various football and basketball coaches will no longer pull down seven-figure salaries.

“So now, Cosmo, you not only know my policies, but, aside from my reluctance to move to Washington, D.C., because of the weather and having to spend most of my waking hours with politicians, you know why I have never run for president. In order for my master plan to become a reality, I’d have to be a dictator, and not merely the commander in chief.

“Regards, Burt”


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