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Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
“Oooooo! It makes me so mad!”
Jill Poke, sub-assistant media director for the Re-Elect President Obama campaign was glaring at her computer screen, prompting sub-sub-assistant Howard Bashford to ask what the matter could be.
“It’s those fascists at National Review Online,” said Poke. “They’re saying our ‘Forward’ slogan for the re-election campaign has long been identified with left-wing organizations and publications. It’s so aggravating.”
“How dare they!” said Bashford. “Does our dear chairman, David Axelrod, know this?”
“Of course he knows about it,” said Poke. “The slogan was his idea.”
“I mean, does he know about the National Review article?” said Bashford. “Will he demand a retraction?”
“And I mean he knows about the left-wing associations,” said Poke. “That was the whole idea. We wanted to signal to our base that we plan to keep the faith during President Obama’s second term. We plan to push even harder – forward – toward his Marxist ideals.”
“Uh … I didn’t know,” said Bashford.
Poke was incredulous.
“How could you not know?” she asked. “Weren’t you paying attention to the signals posted on the Obama website in 2008? Didn’t you know anything about Obama’s past associations? Do I have to remind you of Bill Ayers? How do you think a communist ended up as one of the president’s ‘czars,’ working in the White House?”
“Well,” said Bashford apologetically, “I guess I was just focused on ‘hope and change.'”
“Good heavens, man!” said Poke. “Why do you think we announced ‘Forward’ just before May Day? We know the Occupy protesters took heart from it, especially in San Francisco, Oakland and Seattle.”
She smiled as though in pleasant reverie and added, “They really had some window-busting parties out on the West Coast.
“But now the right-wingers are pointing out the left-wing connection, and because the people coming to our defense are left-wingers, people are starting to believe Obama is a leftist.”
“Maybe we should try a different slogan,” said Bashford. “How about, ‘Straight ahead!'”
“Say, that’s pretty good,” said Poke. “It conveys the idea of ‘Forward’ without the baggage. Great idea!”
“I really can’t take credit,” he said. “That should go to Benito Mussolini.”
“He was a fascist!” gasped Poke.
“Well, he liked state capitalism and saw the usefulness of mob rule,” said Bashford. “That way, he was just like the president. And Mussolini was a socialist, too.”
Poke thought it over for a minute, then got up from her desk.
“I’ll run up to David and see what he thinks,” she said.
About that Website: Four years ago, you could jump right onto the Obama site and pretty much learn what the candidate really was about. Now, you have to give the campaign your e-mail address and zip code first. We’d have done it – if we didn’t already know who Obama is.
Hot words, cold war: While Poke is at it, she might suggest that Axelrod re-think the strategy that has Obama accusing Mitt Romney of wanting to return to “Cold War” relations with Russia. This would be in light of Russia’s top general saying pre-emptive military strikes would follow construction of a western Europe missile shield.
Meanwhile, in Berkeley: It hasn’t gotten much press nationally, but the Occupy folks have established an encampment on a five-acre agricultural parcel in Albany, the community just north of Berkeley.
There, the Occupiers declare they want to establish an “urban farm” to help solve the world’s food problems. The fact the University of California conducts agricultural research there cuts no ice with these folks. They don’t trust such use will continue.
The university has told Occupy it hopes to “avoid confrontation or the utilization of coercive means” but threatens that “time is running out.”
That’ll scare them, since the university won’t use pepper spray and apparently doesn’t have the stomach for other “coercive means.” Instead, administrators say they are “more than willing to discuss opportunities for a metropolitan agriculture program affiliated with the campus.”
This could be just as successful as People’s Park, the university-owned block seized by street people in the ’70s, leading to deadly riots.
People’s Park became and remains a haven for drug abusers, Tourette’s coprolaliacs and sexual deviants. The university’s Albany parcel probably will end up a marijuana farm.
Meanwhile, in San Francisco: The S.F. Chronicle figuratively stamped an angry foot at the Occupy gang, editorializing that Occupy “needs to rethink its approach. It needs leaders, it needs structure, it needs discipline – it needs to send an unmistakable message of what it is and what it isn’t.
“It’s egalitarian ‘come one, come all’ calls to protests have been a disaster for its cause. Its attempt to divide the world into the 1 percent and the 99 percent is being ruined by actions of the anarchists and vandals who seem to regard a mass gathering as a chance to wreak havoc on the community.”