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2032: The year of the Republican

James Hansen

By James Hansen

Republicans need to visit a political optometrist. Why? Because the GOP is woefully shortsighted. They have licked their wounds since Nov. 6, finger pointed their failed candidates as being overly timid and derided the culture as a lost cause. Was the election a painful reminder to the right that over half the country doesn’t share their values? Of course it was. Does this mean that the freshly minted minority is destined to play second fiddle to Democrats ad infinitum? Not necessarily.

So, what are conservatives to do when they are outnumbered at the polls? What blind spots would a political optometrist point out to them? How might their shortsightedness be treated to help them see more clearly an eventual path to political victory? If those on the right ever hope to make political progress, they will need to be more concerned about winning the war rather than incidental skirmishes. So, forget about the recent election. Forget about a Rubio-Jindal ticket in 2016. In fact, conservatives shouldn’t get their hopes up for quite some time. No, Republicans will need to have a long-term approach with long-term solutions, and this will take persistent patience. 2032: That is the year of the Republican.

While pundits have been attempting to untie the GOP’s Gordian knot of defeats, I suggest that one thing that must be done quickly is to take a softer, more understanding approach to Sandra Fluke and the countless women we have offended. This voting segment came out in droves for President Obama, and maybe some of their concerns are valid. After all, they spoke loud and clear, and those on the right are sticklers for listening to the voice of the people. And just what were their concerns? Well, the war on women centered on two fronts: abortion rights and free contraception.

Coming from a religious tradition that seeks to uphold the sanctity of life, there’s not much I can offer women by way of support for abortion rights. But there is something Republicans can do; no, should do, about addressing the desire among sexually active liberals for government-funded birth control.

What better way to ensure a Republican super-majority in 2032 than to give sexually promiscuous, single, liberal females what they want today, namely, the Pill? If liberals want free birth control, and we on the right offer to gladly pay for it, don’t we both walk away happy?

Here’s what liberals get: 20 years of sex without consequences. No little ankle-biters to get in the way of happiness, add to the world’s carbon footprint, or contribute to global over-population. As an added bonus, they won’t have to trade in their Prius for a minivan. It’s a prophylactic paradise, a sexual Shangri-la, a childless utopia all funded by their political opponents (and one thing I know for sure is that the meal always tastes better when the other guy is paying for it).

Conversely, here is what conservatives will get: an ideologically cleaner gene pool throughout the nation. Their offspring will be raised with traditional values, will be given a moral compass and an urgency to become politically engaged, culminating right about the time they can legally cast a vote. Call it short-term fiscal pain with long-term political gain, this plan of orchestrated attrition is designed to help conservatives ultimately win in the end.

Think about this potential scenario. The right has lamented for years about indoctrination in the public schools and media bias. With the aforementioned plan, the media only reaches an aging Democratic population that is too busy to watch because they’re putting all their free birth control to good use. And in no time at all, school rooms will be filled mostly by politically savvy boys and girls all named Reagan who won’t let their teachers get away with leftist speak any longer. Just imagine what supporting free contraception could buy us.

Perhaps conservatives should form an unconventional alliance between themselves and Planned Parenthood. The Right would be insulated from moral compromise by allowing Planned Parenthood to perform all of the abortions while they simply contribute to a new fund called the BSBC (Blue State Birth Control). Our republic could be saved by a tiny little pill.

So, if contraception really was one of the things that tipped the scales in favor of President Obama this election cycle, then we ought to embrace it along with them. Bear their burden. Feel their pain. Buy their birth control and see what happens over the next 20 years.

James Hansen is teaching pastor at Antioch Bible Church in Redmond, Wash.