And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer!
Ho ho ho! Here comes Surfin’ Safari Santa Claus …
This week’s column takes you to the North Pole, where Yuletide carols are being sung by a choir, and folks are all dressed up like Eskimos. In Santa’s carriage house and stable, the sleigh is ready for its magical journey. Its skids are waxed, and the leather reins are bedecked with gleaming silver bells. Let’s step inside and take a peek while the chestnuts roast by an open fire.
Inside the sleigh’s bright carriage embellished with gold leaf swirls is a shiny red patent leather seat upon which sits a huge velvet sack. Its golden drawstring hasn’t yet been pulled tight, thus revealing a bag chock full of goodies – and some lumps of coal, no doubt cleverly disguised in shiny wrap. The bounty is ready and waiting for the annual Christmas flight to the chimneys of good little boys and girls around the world.
The sack is bulging with packages of all shapes and sizes! Is that a crystal ball?
And what do you suppose is in this package? Something that could cost you?
Here’s a little box wrapped in robin’s egg blue – let’s shake it. It sounds like 140 puzzle pieces! A little bird swoops down from the rafters, trilling, “It could be every tweet you’ve ever tapped out.”
And look! Tucked behind some bigger packages is this tiny one that gives us a bird’s eye view of the world! And what to our wondering eyes should appear but another bird! A drone that can fly everywhere, even over Nevada!
Ho, ho, ho, now what’s this? It’s a big, heavy box with a big, heavy lock. The gift tag reads “Pandora.” Careful! It appears the lock has been picked and broken open. Dare we peek inside? It’s filled with things better left untouched, like this horror. And that one. Oh! Look! There are many more. Violent video games! A reality show that vies with violent amusements. A game that few want to play.
Here’s a package showing Santa’s elves hard at work keeping evil cyberborgs from winning an Internet power game: Web users compete with a character called “The Prez” who threatens to drop a hot lump of coal on Internet dwellers. “The Prez” won the last round, passed “go” and collected yet another vacation, a three-week Hawaiian holiday, a $4 million “gift” from American taxpayers.
Here’s one that was slipped this under the tree while we were sleeping.
And here’s a gift from Facebook’s Instagram that’s sure to make the recipient smile and say, “Cheese!”
Not everything Facebook gives is a gift – here’s a lump of coal the social networking giant dropped in Santa’s bag. It’s an odd rust-hue, its color called “censorship.” You can find it right beside red on the socialist color wheel.
And what’s this gaily wrapped package? Might it contain… a flexible laptop? Or a Windows phone? Maybe it’s the most interesting mobile device! It couldn’t be the Apple of Mac’s eye because Santa knows the Android is better at preventing data overcharges. In fact, Santa read this and knew he had another picture perfect reason why he would skip loading it into his sleigh this year.
Here’s a shiny gift bag stuffed with sparkly tissue-paper and five top cyber security threats. This gift doesn’t come with batteries, but it does tell you how to protect yourself from those threats.
Wikileaks’ Julian Assange promises a million gifts of his own that aren’t in Santa’s sleigh. Those will come later when WikiLeaks publishes more secret government documents. Won’t the departments of State, Defense and Justice love those!
Well, boys and girls, it looks like we’ve checked out everything in Santa’s bag of goodies, except for one more. It’s a special treat that Santa will take to millions of worldwide fans of Masterpiece Classic’s “Downton Abbey” series. You’ll need two hours to indulge in this gift! But Santa knows Yule make time for it!
Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight,
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!