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Give us Spam!

Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.

You could call last week’s fiscal cliff deal “the Spam bill,” because it contained so much pork, a lot of fat and some special sweeteners – but that would be unfair to Hormel’s famed canned-meat product.

After all, according to the website for How Products Are Made, “Every Friday all executives involved in Spam production meet to visually inspect (and sometimes taste) several different batches of Spam produced during the week.”

After research that was at least as thorough as that performed by most congressmen and senators, we can safely say that few legislators read the bill’s 150-odd pages – unless they were checking to see that their favorite lobbyists were taken care of.

Many may have tasted the thing, however, because they were all over the airwaves, pronouncing the bill unpalatable, though necessary.

Judging by what we’ve read about Hormel Foods’ rigorous quality control (and required government inspections), and judging by what we have read about the fiscal cliff bill, we’d have to say: Forget Congress! Give us Spam!

The nation’s most voracious Spam consumers may be found in the former Sandwich Islands, where some call it “Hawaiian steak.” So it’s no coincidence that President Obama flew back to the Aloha State after the fiscal cliff deal, to “finish his vacation.” He needs the rest, having tired himself out declaring, “I won. I get things my way.”

No doubt the chief executive and his family had the White House chef whip up some Hawaiian Spam Balls, a Spam Hawaiian Pizza and Spam sushi. (Recipes for all these delicacies may be found on the Web.)

Can’t you just picture our president, reclining on the lanai after a round of golf, reminiscing about how he used to munch Spam-and-pineapple sandwiches to alleviate the munchies after an afternoon spent smoking several joints of Maui Wowie?

Some commentators have expressed concern that Hormel’s acquisition of Skippy peanut butter (announced last week) might lead the pork company’s recipe makers to concoct a blending of the two products.

Frankly, we’d look forward to it. Spam goes with anything; peanut butter goes with anything. (Try a peanut butter and onion sandwich as a late night eye-opener!) Two ingredients that go with anything must go with one another. Real gourmands already are salivating.

But seriously, folks: No matter how wrong-headed Democrats may be, can we escape the conclusion that congressional Republicans are, in the aggregate, the most naïve and gullible collection of dolts in D.C.? Weren’t you screaming “No! No! No!” when the GOP bought into the entire fiscal cliff/sequestration deal back in 2011?

That was the equivalent of going to a fist fight and agreeing to lend your opponent your brass knuckles.

John Boehner may be a fine fellow, and he may be tough enough to tell Sen. Harry Reid to perform what Clint Eastwood termed a physical impossibility, but in battle he has proved to be a patsy. The White House must be grinning over his re-election as speaker of the House of Representatives.

If the new House majority can’t provide him some backbone, we’re in for an unhappy couple of years.

Meanwhile, please send me your best idea for Spam and peanut butter recipes.