Chelsea Schilling is a commentary editor and staff writer for WND and a proud U.S. Army veteran. She has also worked as a news producer at USA Radio Network and as a news reporter for the Sacramento Union.More ↓Less ↑
Ladies, listen up: If you’re busy finding sexual “empowerment,” relentlessly climbing the ranks in a fast-paced career and aggressively asserting your independence, you’ll likely have trouble finding a good man.
It’s a common complaint among American women: “What happened to all the good guys?”
Despite your beauty and brilliance, it could be your attitude that’s preventing you from finding a husband and keeping him.
Venker, a former teacher-turned-social critic and author of “The Flipside of Feminism,” found herself divorced at age 27. That failed marriage forced her to re-examine her attitude and approach to relationships. She’s now happily living in the Midwest with her second husband of 15 years and two children.
Venker faults the sexual revolution and feminist movement of the last 40 years for convincing women to not demand more of their relationships.
“Women lowered their standards,” she told WND. “They did this by changing the way they approach sex. That’s the No. 1 biggest issue. They’ve lost any sort of reasonable modesty or holding high standards and having a lot of self-respect in terms of the way they carry themselves and dress and how quickly they have sex.”
She added, “It’s funny, this whole ‘empowerment’ idea was supposed to make women better and give them greater self-esteem. ‘Empowered’ is a great word, but it’s totally misused by feminists. Sexual empowerment does not mean sleeping around. In fact, the message is quite the opposite. It shows that you don’t think very much of yourself, that you don’t think you’re worthy of waiting for or committing to. Honestly, I think a lot of women have no idea that that’s how it works between women and men and that their behavior and attitude has driven men into a different direction.”
But how can women find men who are good husbands, fathers and providers? Don’t look to feminists for the answers, Venker warns.
“The way we do that is to happily depend on what men bring to the table, their masculinity, their desire to provide for and protect their woman,” she explained.
“If you want him to step up to the plate and become a family man, you need to respect and honor his career path and really get behind it because it will be what carries you if you choose to have children.”
Venker said the feminist movement has taught women to stop needing men – for anything in life – from companionship to financial support or even childbearing.
“Men have been hearing for years that women don’t need their money,” she said. “They don’t need anything from men. Men have just sort of given up. They just stop trying because you don’t need their money, you don’t need them as husbands and you’re sexually ‘empowered.’ There’s just a whole different set of circumstances that women created, and that’s why men are the way they are.
“It’s opposite of what feminists will say: There was never equality. Women have now stepped up to the plate, and they’re surpassing men. Men are just losers. They can’t keep up. That’s their argument.”
At the end of the day, people live one of two lives: an examined life, or an unexamined life. It has been my observation that most people choose the latter. An unexamined life is when you move through the years mindlessly, not really thinking about what you’re doing or why you’re doing it, or even if you like doing it. You’re just doing it, whatever “it” is, because that’s what other people are doing – because that’s what you think you’re supposed to do. Or because, quite frankly, it’s easier. Living an unexamined life means living a life someone else designed for you.
The examined life is different. The examined life is when you tune out the voices, sounds, and visuals in your midst and make important decisions based on what you want and what you believe is right. More than anything, it means dismissing cultural trends that conflict with your core beliefs.
Once women remove negative cultural messages, they can determine what it is they want from life and love.
“Nobody wants to stand out and be ostracized or feel like an oddball. They’re so honed in on media, and that media world is clearly sending a message that is going to be counterproductive if your goal is to settle down with a family someday,” she said. “The media message is all about staying single, focusing solely on your career and even praising single motherhood – basically just dissing men and marriage. It’s just foolish to think that kind of steady message is not having an effect on young people. Of course it is.”
Life isn’t all about YOU
Society tells women to spend years “finding themselves” before even considering marriage. While Venker agrees that men and women should learn to be self-sufficient and take care of themselves, she calls the “find yourself” rule “the biggest lie ever told.”
“This whole idea that you’re supposed to all of the sudden wake up and find yourself after X number of years and then say, ‘OK, I’m ready now. Everybody come in my life,’ it doesn’t work that way,” she said. “That’s precisely what modern women have been taught.”
In the self-centered American culture, today’s generations have been taught to believe “they’re so special life should be handed to them on a silver platter.”
Perfection is considered key to happiness – and we’re told each of us deserves nothing less.
But Venker explained that having a truly meaningful relationship means happiness can come from sharing, making sacrifices and giving of yourself to others.
“Those concepts are completely foreign to the modern generation,” she said. “They live in a one-click culture. Any need they have at the moment is met. The concept of doing without or suffering temporarily in pursuit of a greater goal, whether it’s for yourself or your family, is foreign.
“If something doesn’t work, you just throw it out and get a new one. This throw-away culture is hugely destructive to marriage. If you’re a self-centered person who has to have your needs met at every moment, you probably should not get married, because it’s not going to work that way.”
Venker said many people who postpone marriage until later in life say they want their “freedom.”
“Who doesn’t?” she asked. “Everybody likes that and wants that, but most people will eventually hit a wall and that won’t be enough. You might find that living for yourself and with yourself is just not feeding your soul. If you want to truly reach that peaceful place where you’re satisfied and happy, you’re going to have to give and make sacrifices. Through those sacrifices, you’ll become a much better person.”
In recent years, some studies have indicated that couples who live together before marriage face a greater risk of divorce.
While there are several theories on why that is, Venker sees one pitfall of shacking up: “There’s a completely different psychological process that happens when you’re involved in a cohabitation situation where you technically have an out, an easy out. You just walk out the door any day you want. Knowing that in your psyche changes the way you approach the relationship and the problems within it. If you enter a relationship knowing that it’s a done deal and that the decision has already been made, that’s a completely different psychological process.”
Venker said if a couple hasn’t already decided to spend their lives together, cohabitation can spell doom for the relationship.
“If you’ve made that decision consciously and then you get married, that’s a whole psychological thought process that you take with you,” she said. “If you haven’t made the decision yet, and you’re playing house, you won’t have the clarity you need to decide whether to make it official.”
Is love really all you need?
The Beatles may have been right in a lot of ways, but they were wrong about one important thing: Love is not all you need.
“That is absolutely one of the most destructive ideas out there,” Venker said, noting that a couple must consider compatibility issues that don’t have anything to do with romance or love before entering into marriage.
“It’s much more of a business thought process than a romantic thought process,” she said. “People don’t like that because they want it to all be about love and feelings. But the reality is that feeling is not going to last 50 years. It’s just not. It’s going to evolve, hopefully.
“Love is absolutely not enough. I learned that the hard way.”
Venker said she had noticed many warning signs before her first marriage, but she falsely believed love would conquer all.
“I had all those red flags, but I wanted what I wanted,” she said. “I truly believed that it all wouldn’t matter because I was going to force the situation because I wanted to be with him. I love him and I didn’t understand walking away from that.”
What it means to be a wife
What happened after the ‘”Happily ever after”?
“How to Choose a Husband” explains, “[Marriage] is a continual act of refinement: your learning how to be a better wife, and his learning how to be a better husband.”
Venker explains that the feminist culture has created unnecessary marital strife for one big reason: “Women are bitter. They’re defensive; they’re competitive; and they’re ready to pounce. …
“[E]quality is always the goal. Women want to prove they’re strong and capable and can’t be messed with. To them, that’s power. But all women end up doing is proving to men how angry they are. And who wants to be with someone who’s mad all the time?”
Venker warns women to stop trying to compete with their husbands and to remove the “boss hat” when they get home – because marriage is about love, not competition and aggressiveness.
“Maybe women think being b-tchy is attractive since that’s what they’re attracted to. Women love guys who aren’t sweet. They gravitate toward men who are confident, accomplished, and yes, full of themselves. Women are forever passing up the nice guy in favor of the jerk. But you can rarely turn this scenario around. Men don’t want a b-tch for a wife. So don’t be one.”
Unequally yoked: Where does God fit in?
What role does God play in a successful relationship?
Venker says two believers or two unbelievers can find success in marriage, but the relationship will face trouble when one person is religious and the other doesn’t believe in God.
“Because we’re having such a decline in religion these days, a lot of people are getting together with other people who are of a different religion or who are agnostic,” she said. “That will be an issue. That’s what I ran into.
“Religion may not feel like a big issue at the time, but it’s absolutely going to become a big issue if you’re going to have children. If you plan to have a child – and one of you is a nonbeliever and the other person is – that, to me, is going to be much more of a concern than just marrying somebody of a different religion or two people who don’t believe together.”
Venker explained that there are two worldviews: One with God and one without Him.
“They do not match, in any way, shape or form,” she said. “You carry that thought process in all the decisions you make, the relationships you have, the way you work, the way you live, the way you raise your kids. Even though you’re not feeling it while you’re dating, it’s going to be an issue later. A believer and a nonbeliever are going to struggle.”
So why have women been fed a steady diet of feminist lies?
“What they get out of it is validation,” Venker said. “The problem with feminists is that they are not like most women. They’re actually more like men. They don’t like that. They don’t like feeling out of place.
“The more women they can get to jump on board with the way they do things, the more normal they feel. They’re trying to convince themselves that they really are good people, even though they’re rejecting the concept of sacrifice.”