Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current, events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.
Sarah Hall Ingram, the “superb public servant” who ran the IRS’ tax exemption division when it started harassing conservative organizations with odd questionnaires, is getting settled in as IRS Obamacare executive.
She must be “superb.” Her former boss, fired IRS Commissioner Steven Miller, said she was, and we taxpayers shelled out $103,390 in bonuses for her from 2009 through 2012, as her salary climbed from $172,500 to $177,000.
Anyway, she is already drafting a questionnaire for the citizens who will come under her purview, and we have obtained an advance copy. It follows:
You and ‘Affordable Care’
Please understand that the IRS may not collect medical information about you. However, the agency must collect data deemed pertinent to your participation in the programs of the Affordable Care Act. Please fill out the following questionnaire, which seeks only basic and essential physical and psychological information. It must be completed and attested to by you, under penalty of perjury
1. When did you last engage in sexual intercourse?
a) With whom?
c) Name all other sexual partners you have ever had, ever intend to have or ever hope to have.
d) Provide their addresses, telephone numbers, e-mail addresses and social media addresses.
e) Did you employ any “marital aids”? If so, what kind?
f) Provide quarterly updates to all the questions above.
2. Do you employ any kind of conception control? (To protect their privacy, women who have had children out of wedlock or who have had convenience abortions may omit this question.)
a) What kind?
b) Are you some kind of pervert?
c) What kind of pervert?
d) Didn’t we meet at the “Smiths’” New Year’s party?
3. What’s your sign?
a) Have you had your star chart done?
b) By whom?
c) Provide contact information (as in 1d above).
d) What does your chart say about you?
4. How many teeth do you have?
a) Is any one of these teeth a radio receiver?
b) Do you use it to contact extraterrestrial beings?
c) What are the names of the beings you contacted?
d) List their planets, addresses, phone numbers, etc. (as in 1d above).
e) Have you been to the mother ship? (Provide dates and times.)
f) Is “The Force” with you?
5. Do you own any Barbra Streisand recordings (in any medium)?
a) How often have you listened to them in the past year?
b) List dates, times and places.
c) Did you listen to Barbra Streisand with anybody else?
d) Who? Provide contact information (as in 1d above).
e) List dates, times and places.
(If you answered “yes” to question 5, you need not complete the rest of the questionnaire.)
6. Do you own any Ted Nugent recordings (in any medium)?
a) Do you know that Ted owns guns?
b) Do you own guns?
c) If yes, what brand, model and caliber?
d) Write a brief essay about people you would like to kill.
(Omitting this information could subject you to prosecution for perjury, so don’t tell us you haven’t contemplated killing anybody.)
7. Have you read Jonah Goldberg’s book, “Liberal Fascism”?
b) Provide us with your views about the book, in no less than 500 words.
c) Have you read any books by writers whose work appears in National Review, The American Spectator, The American Conservative, Front Page Magazine, Human Events or WND?
d) List the books and summarize the contents of each of these books in at least 500 words.
e) List the names and contact information (as in 1d above) for each person with whom you discussed these books.
8. Do you believe in extra-sensory perception?
a) Are you psychic yourself?
b) Have you undergone past-life regression?
c) List your names and contact information from your previous incarnations (as in 1d above).
d) Have you ever tried to read President Obama’s mind?
e) Don’t deny it! Do you think we were born yesterday?
9. If you had been the object of an abortion, don’t you think your mother would have been better off without you? Explain in at least 500 words. (To protect their privacy, women who have had abortions may omit this question.)
10. Do you pray to a “higher being” or power?
a) Whatever for?
b) What is the content of your prayers? Provide the exact wording for each prayer on each day of the past year.
c) Do you really think prayer will protect you from the Internal Revenue Service?
d) When did you start having these negative feelings about the IRS?
e) With whom did you share these feelings? Provide names, dates and contact information (as in 1d above).
11. Would you object if we examined all of your telephone, e-mail and social media records?
a) If “no,” provide the telephone numbers ISP and social media addresses and passwords of all contacts made through these media for the past year. List the names of all your contacts and their contact information (as in 1d above).
b) If “yes,” provide the telephone numbers ISP and social media addresses and passwords of all contacts made through these media for the past year. List the names of all your contacts and their contact information (as in 1d above).
12. You actually believe the federal government and the IRS really are your friends, don’t you?
a) We thought so.
Remember, failure to provide truthful answers and the data sought for all the questions above will subject you to federal prosecution for perjury.
Have a nice day!