Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.
Hackers got into the Pentagon data base last week and downloaded plans for the United States’ most sophisticated weapons systems.
Aggressive Washington, D.C., reporter: (For purposes of this column, imagine such a person exists.) Mr. Holder, are you investigating to see if any government employees were involved in the Pentagon computer hacking?
Attorney General Eric Holder: We’re going to make it our top priority – as soon as we figure out if Fox News’ James Rosen was a criminal aider and abettor in the leak of sensitive information three years ago.
Reporter: But … our weapons systems …
Holder: That Fox News leak was one of the two or three worst threats to national security in the last 40 years! That and the Associated Press matter.
Reporter: But … our weapons systems … Why were the plans accessible over the Internet in the first place?
Holder: Well, look. That ship has sailed, hasn’t it? As Mrs. Clinton would say, “What difference, at this point, does it make?” The important thing is to make sure we fix it so it doesn’t happen again.
The assertion that political misuse of the Internal Revenue could be laid at the feet of a couple of “rogue agents” in Cincinnati continued to unravel.
Aggressive Washington, D.C., reporter: (Remember, we’re pretending!) Mr. Carney, how many “rogue IRS agents” are we up to now?
White House Press Secretary Jay Carney: At latest count, I think it’s about five.
Reporter: Five, huh? How high in the administration are they?
Carney: We think one might have been a supervisor, but that’s as high as it goes.
Reporter: (Reverting to D.C. form) Thanks. That should settle the matter.
Sen. John McCain visited Syria last week and chatted with some rebels.
Sen. McCain: Say, you guys aren’t Muslim extremists, are you?
Anti-Assad rebel leader: Whoa! Are you kidding? We’re (whispers to an aide, “What’s that word?” The aide whispers something back.) As I was saying, we’re moderates, man.
Sen. McCain: Do I have your word on it?
Anti-Assad rebel leader: You got it, man. We’re moderate to the core.
Sen. McCain: And you aren’t in league with Iran and the Revolutionary Guard – or the Quds Force?
Anti-Assad rebel leader: Nope and nope. Not taking weapons from them, either.
Sen. McCain: And you don’t go in for radical Shariah law?
Anti-Assad rebel leader: No way, man! We only go in for moderate Shariah law – hardly ever stone anybody.
Sen. McCain: OK, then. I’ll see what I can do about getting you some military support.
Anti-Assad rebel leader: Thanks, man! (Aside to aide: There’s one born every minute!)
Live! From the Oval Office!
Aggressive Washington, D.C., reporter:</b> (Yes, we’re back to that.) Mr. President, when did you first learn about the IRS’ abuse of power?
President Barack Obama: I learned about it when you did, when it came out in the media. I think I was eating popcorn and watching Fox News.
Reporter: So, it was like how you learned about Benghazi?
President Obama: I still don’t know anything about that, but we’re working hard to get to the bottom of it … and to make sure those responsible are brought to justice.
Reporter: So, it was like how you found out about “Fast and Furious?”
Obama: “The Fast and the Furious?” I haven’t seen No. 6 yet, but I understand it’s quite exciting. Of course, we wouldn’t let the girls watch it.
Reporter: I’m sorry, Mr. President, I meant your Justice Department’s gun-running scandal – that “Fast and Furious.”
Obama: Well, as you know – and let me be clear about this – we’re still working hard to get to the bottom of that, which I only learned about after it was over.
Reporter: Well, maybe it was like how you found out about your Justice Department’s probes of various reporters.
Obama: What an outrage! Nobody is a greater champion of the First Amendment than I am. And I wish you’d stop saying my Justice Department. Isn’t it really our Justice Department? It’s not like I’m in charge of Justice, or the IRS or the State Department, is it?
Oh, wait. Didn’t that last one really happen?