Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.
One of the “tweets” that got National Security Council staffer Jofi Joseph fired last week was “Look, (Rep. Darrell) Issa is an ass, but he’s on to something here with the @Hillary Clinton whitewash of accountability for Benghazi.”
Apparently, most of Joseph’s anonymous tweets, under the moniker @netsecwonk, were smart Alec cracks about his superiors and figures in the news. But occasionally he succumbed to the pressure of knowing the truth – and spilled it.
I know a bit about that pressure, having made a couple of relatively brief excursions into government employment. You get to know things that employee loyalty forces you to keep secret. But, as you know right from wrong, you want to let out the truth.
We may theorize that Joseph’s Twitter account allowed him to bleed off some of this pressure. Others, of a more sociopathic bent, like the president, don’t feel the impulse toward honesty – but let us imagine they did. We’ll take last week’s speech about Obamacare as an example. The quotes extracted therefrom are real. The items in parentheses and italics are the truths he might have spoken.
“[Y]oung people … have been able to stay on their parents’ plans until they’re 26. Millions of other young people are currently benefiting from that …”
(Dependency is what we’re all about.)
“So the fact is, the product of the Affordable Care Act for people without health insurance is quality health insurance that’s affordable.”
(We’ll define “affordable” later. Meanwhile, just forget about that $10,000 deductible.)
“And it turns out there’s massive demand for it.”
(People are figuring out they had better participate, or we’re going to charge them 95 bucks or one percent of their annual income – whichever is greater.)
So far, the national website, Healthcare.gov, has been visited nearly 20 million times.
(We haven’t figured out if that represents 20 million people, or 2,000 people trying 1,000 times each to log on.)
“The prices are lower than we expected. The choice is greater than we expected.”
(Prices actually are averaging way higher, and we expected they would be higher still. Choice? Some insurance companies are giving the new system a whirl, but they’ll all be gone by the time we’re through.)
“(Obamacare) call centers are already up and running. And you can get your questions answered by real people 24 hours a day in 150 different languages.”
(Of course, the answer to every question is, “Go to the website,” which doesn’t work.)
“(A Pennsylvania man) used the new marketplace to get himself and his wife covered and save a lot of money. … [I]nstead of paying $1,600 a month for a group insurance plan, ‘we have a plan that will only cost us $692 a month, a savings of $900 per month.'”
(If they were making the national median household income of a bit over $51,000 a year, they would have been shelling out 37 percent of their pay for health insurance – over $19,000 a year! The guy still will have to expend $8,300 annually. He must be rich. He needs to pay more taxes!)
(I have to go now, because somebody might ask a penetrating question. Whoops! One of the typical Americans behind me is fainting. I’m filled with human concern for her, because at some point this typical, young American is going to purchase an expensive policy through the Obamacare website, after inputting all her sensitive, personal information – which we can use for political purposes.
(Let me call in an aide to help her. We’re going to need this young woman and the rest of her age group, because they’re needed to finance treatment of the ill and the aged who get past our health-care rationing panels.
(Well, that’s all for now. Thank you all for coming, and particular thanks to that fellow holding up the “APPLAUSE!” sign. Don’t forget to sign up at Healthcare.gov, or the IRS will attach your paycheck.)