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Editor’s note: Michael Ackley’s columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell the difference.

“We’re spying on Angela Merkel, and David Cameron, and … dozens of other ‘friends’?” asks an aghast President Obama. “Nobody tells me anything!”

“We’re sorry,” answers his top adviser, Valerie Jarrett. “We thought it best to maintain your ‘plausible deniability.’

“That’s the same reason we kept you from knowing all those things you said about the Affordable Health Care Act weren’t true. You know: ‘If you like your current plan, you can keep it,’ and, ‘Your premiums are going to drop.’”

“Really?” the president says, then sighs, “It’s probably just as well. If I didn’t know, I couldn’t have been lying. If I were a liar, people wouldn’t like me, and it’s most important that people like me.”

“That’s right, Mr. President,” says the third person in the room, Press Secretary Jay Carney.

As he and Jarrett leave the Oval Office, he whispers, “Do you think it’s time we tell him about the screw-up in Benghazi, or Fast and Furious or … ?”

“Maybe in a couple of years,” Jarrett hisses.


“Never hit a girl:” So my Dad told me as soon as I was old enough to understand. And I did understand. Even girls who were bigger and more aggressive than I weren’t as quick or as strong. Hitting them just wouldn’t be fair.

So, I was offended that a New York Jets fan clocked a little blonde woman following the Jets-Patriots game. On the other hand, the video clearly shows she was attacking him, which brings us to a problem of popular culture.

How many television shows and motion pictures feature women who, through a supposed combination of strength and skill, overpower large, male adversaries? How many women – perhaps including the blonde football fan – are deceived by these displays of feminine empowerment?

How many women feel (“think” would be the wrong word here) they stand a chance against a male who outweighs them by more than 100 pounds?

I’m reminded of the warning a black-belt karate instructor gave his class: “There are guys walking the streets who have no training who could thrash me, because they are bigger, stronger and faster.”

A woman weighing 120 pounds can hit a 200-pound man with her best shot and he will hardly feel it. And if you try to kick a particularly sensitive area, you will learn men’s reflexes in defense of this spot are nearly of light speed.

It’s OK to feel empowered, women. But use your heads.


Department of Jack-Booted Thugs: The Washington Times reports Maryland State Police and Coast Guard (Homeland Security) agents stormed the home of reporter Audrey Hudson and made off with her notes and files.

Hudson covers Homeland Security for the Times, and her reporting has exposed problems in the Federal Air Marshal Service.

The agents had a search warrant allowing them to search for a “potato gun.”

The feds claimed “potato gun” was underworld slang for a firearms silencer, and Hudson’s husband, in fact, once ordered a literal potato launcher. (I can testify: There’s nothing silent about these things.) Of course, that was five years ago and he no longer had the item, but that didn’t deter the agents, who arrived at 4:30 a.m. – in full body armor.

Who can blame them? I once fired a potato gun that could lob a spud a good 50 yards. The impact of such a high-velocity tuber would smart, perhaps even through Kevlar. It’s a wonder these “weapons” weren’t among the artillery that went to Mexico under Fast and Furious.

The Times is pursuing the matter in court as a violation of the First and Fourth Amendments to the Constitution. Perhaps some judge will tell Homeland not to do anything like this again, but it’s unlikely an adverse ruling would alter the feds’ attitude.

Disrespect for the Constitution starts right at the top. In fact, disrespect for the Constitution is one thing Barack Obama does know.

 

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