Who is John Boehner? John Boehner is the answer to the question “Who is John Boehner?”

When an empty taxi draws up, it is John Boehner who gets out. Rumor has it that in his college production of “Much Ado About Nothing,” he played the part of Nothing. When his publishers were casting about for a title for his ghosted autobiography, they wanted to call it “Diary of a Nobody” but discovered the title was taken.

An old poem about him is recited by the more literary-minded of his colleagues in the House (all two of them):

As I was going down the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there.
He wasn’t there again today.
I wish to God he’d go away.

The United States now has a new office – that of Non-Speaker of the House. The useful Hebrew word nebech (in Yiddish, nebbish), “a person of no account” or “waste of space,” might have been specially minted to celebrate the introduction of this new and costly but elaborately inconsequential office.

A valuable Chinese proverb has also been rewritten for this non-occasion. “Those who speak do not know. Those who know do not speak. Those who neither know nor speak are John Boehner.”

Mathematicians say that if John Boehner were eye to eye he would at least have some small real value, but that as it is he is a big fat negative e to eye pie. If you’re not a mathematician, trust me: The joke is both funnier and cleverer than John Boehner.

Scientists are talking of a new third phase in the ingredients of the tangible universe. There is Matter, there is Anti-Matter, and now there is Doesn’t Matter.

When the roll-call of the House is taken, all other members answer “Present.” John Boehner answers “Absent.”

In the curious U.S. system of government, the president (or, at present, the “president”) is the de facto leader of his party, but there is no officially appointed leader of the opposition party. So, when one party holds the White House and another party the House, the speaker – if he is doing his job – is the de facto leader of the opposition.

Much, therefore, is expected of the holder of the office that John Boehner’s predecessors graced and he now occupies. The glittering list of all the wonderful things John Boehner has not done, like one of the Odes from imperial China, would occupy many wearisome days in the recital.

Let me lead your minds today to one of the many disturbing features of the vicious left that we who love truth, freedom and democracy ought to be fighting, and fighting hard. Voter fraud. John Boehner seems to have been as culpably ineffectual in dealing with this enormous scandal as he has in all other respects.

The North Carolina State Elections Board recently reviewed voting in the 2012 General Election, which the “president” is officially declared to have “won,” albeit by a narrow margin, and albeit against the one candidate least likely to beat him. The board ambitiously compared 100 million voter records in two dozen other states with the names, birth dates and Social Security numbers of North Carolina voters.

To their astonishment, they found that 36,000 North Carolina voters shared the same first names, last names and dates of birth with individuals registered to vote in other states. Another 750 North Carolina voters had the same final four digits of their Social Security numbers as well. Mr Obama took North Carolina in 2012 by a mere 14,000 votes, or 0.33 percent.

The Commonwealth of Virginia recently found that 44,000 of its voters are also registered to vote in the People’s Republic of Maryland.

Let us be appropriately cautious. Surprising-seeming coincidences to do with names and dates of birth are to be expected, statistically speaking. However, one circumstance leads me to suspect the “Democrats” are living up to their quotation marks by fiddling the system wholesale, and have been doing so for decades.

It is that many in the GOP are clamoring for proper checks on the identity of voters, and the “Democrats” are determined that no such checks should be made. They have too much to lose. The White House, for one thing.

Here is what Mr. Obama has to say about tightening up identity checks to make sure that those who vote are entitled to do so and have not voted in more than one state:

“The principle of one person-one vote is the single greatest tool we have to redress an unjust status quo. You would think there would not be an argument about this any more. But the stark, simple truth is this: The right to vote is threatened today in a way that it has not been since the Voting Rights Act became law nearly five decades ago.”

This from a man who cannot himself pass the e-Verify check on his own Social Security number and would not be entitled to a janitor’s job (even if he were qualified for it). Yet he is entitled, without passing that check, to occupy the White House, and to lecture us on how hundreds of thousands, or perhaps millions, of illegal or impersonated or non-existent voters ought to be allowed to tamper with democracy in the most fundamental way possible – by voting illegally.

And what has the non-existent John Boehner done about all this? Whatever he has done, it does not appear to have been effective.

Every voter, when voting, should produce evidence of his or her Social Security number and photographic evidence of identity. Every returning officer should have access to the Social Security and DMV databases to check the images and photo IDs.

To those who say this is too expensive, I say it is a tiny fraction of the cost of an economically indisciplined administration such as that which now destroys America’s economic might. To those who say it will restrict the right to vote, I say that that is precisely the intention. Restrict the vote to lawful voters. Will someone go wake John Boehner?

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