When I was 11 years old, I became friends with a girl named Maryann. We were inseparable for a couple of years, and then we drifted apart. Way apart. Miles apart. We graduated from high school in 1980 and seldom saw each other after that.
In 1990, I married my husband, who has been my best friend since our wedding. We've been inseparable for a quarter-century. We've worked together, played together, raised our children together, built a farm and several businesses together, and just plain like to spend time together.
About the same time, Maryann also got married … to a double-murderer sentenced to life in prison. The newspaper clipping of their wedding – I'm not kidding – read: "The bride wore a knee-length floral dress in pastel colors. The groom wore an orange prison jump suit."
Their "togetherness" is limited to whatever visitation is permitted by prison authorities.
Why did Maryann marry this man? He was admittedly handsome, but surely she could see beyond his face to the monster that broke into a house in the middle of the night and murdered two people? What was the appeal that she freely chose this man as her mate?
In the wake of the horrific murders in Santa Barbara last week, one overriding and nauseating issue came to light: how many women suddenly (after his death) found the killer, Elliot Rodger, "cute" and "hot." (Similar admiration happened with the Batman theater killer, James Holmes). Reactions like this always leave me sputtering. Cute? Hot? Really? Do attractive facial features somehow trump any qualities that could be charitably described as decently human?
The appeal of Bad Boys has always eluded me. My husband is every bit as "cute" and "hot" as Maryann's husband, but he has the additional redeeming qualities of being law-abiding and not serving life in prison, thus freeing him up to be a loyal husband, wonderful father, family provider and lifelong companion.
Having never met Elliot Rodger, I cannot personally attest to his cuteness or hotness. But apparently an endless string of women did meet him, and rejected whatever superficial physical attraction he had after glimpsing the madness that lay under the surface. Or maybe they didn't recognize his inherent "hotness" because he hadn't killed anyone yet.
So what do women find attractive about a killer? What's the appeal of Bad Boys?
I did a little research and learned the Internet is full of excuses, explanations and serious analyses for the appeal of Bad Boys. Invariably the reasons always seem to reference the evolutionary defense that women unconsciously seek dominant risk-taking testosterone-fueled men who will pass on genes that will confer an evolutionary benefit (such as strength or sexiness) to their offspring. In biological terms, this is called sexual selection.
In other words, if you believe sexual selection happens in humans, then sexy Bad Boys are attractive because women believe, at some unconscious evolutionary level, that any resulting offspring will also have those same sexy "bad" qualities and thus be attractive to future mates, assuring the continuation of the genes.
Sadly, the reality is a lot of these women will be raising their offspring by themselves since Bad Boys aren't known for sticking around for the long haul. This means the offspring will be emotionally scarred and will then grow up to become Bad Boys (or girls) and create more "bad" kids.
But if we're reviewing biological tactics, there's another evolutionarily significant strategy that smart women should consider: the benefits of choosing a mate who will protect her and her children, who will provide for her while she raises their offspring and who will remain faithful to her for life – and, not incidentally, who will pass on these qualities to their offspring, thus resulting in another generation of "good" kids. I'll call these mates Good Men, and to my way of thinking they're a far better evolutionary risk.
In a nutshell, Bad Boys leave. Good Men stay. Bad boys love 'em and leave 'em. Good Men are rock solid and dependable. Maybe it's just me, but I find these "good" qualities incredibly sexy. Can I pin this on evolution?
If I could delve into the world of pop psychology, I might speculate that women who are attracted to Bad Boys have never experienced Good Men while growing up. Either their fathers were absent, or their fathers were not the stable, dependable, solid family man that makes for a far better evolutionary strategy.
There seems to be some truth to this. "It's because many of us feel we don't deserve better," notes one woman. "Bad boys are some sort of screwed-up safety blanket. Perhaps I am so used to being independent that I've become scared to let someone really be there for me, so I select emotionally unavailable people."
Another woman admits, "[T]he attraction is so strong because troubled souls create the outer chaos these women need to distract themselves from what's really going on in their own souls."
In short, troubled souls meet troubled souls, which then procreate to create more troubled souls. Bad recipe. Let's face it, there is no evolutionary benefit to having a Bad Boy who won't stick around to help raise his kids, so the whole "sexual-selection" argument (among humans, at least) is a myth. It's a far better decision to find a mate who will be faithful.
Women often complain that Good Men are hard to find, but there's no question that women often either don't know where (or how) to look for those Good Men, or (more likely) don't appreciate them. Good Men may not be as full of exciting testosterone-fueled machismo, but they're an evolutionarily smart decision. Good Men work hard, love their wives, raise their children, are loyal and faithful and possess endless qualities that make them valuable partners in the long run. This strikes me as a sound biological strategy.
Ladies, if you want to make a smart evolutionary decision, become the kind of woman a Good Man would want. Women who value the strengths and qualities of Good Men are more attractive to them. But women who denigrate or emasculate Good Men end up with Bad Boys and then wonder why they're alone to raise their kids.
The power is in your hands, ladies. Don't be a Maryann. Go for the Good Men. You (and your genes) won't be sorry.
Media wishing to interview Patrice Lewis, please contact [email protected].
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