As millions of Americans returned from their Labor Day vacations, they found a few things had changed during their absence. President Obama had been hard at work and had issued these new executive orders:
1) Effective this Labor Day, the national religion of the United States of America shall be Islam.
2) The president is granted all necessary authority to “make it so.”
3) In accordance with my authority, the following changes are to be implemented forthwith by all three branches of the federal government:
3.1) Christians, Jews and all peoples of other religious faiths shall have 30 days to announce their conversion to Islam and present themselves at the nearest mosque in their city.
3.2) Shariah law shall become the law of the land. All nine Supreme Court justices have been sent to Syria, where they will be observing firsthand the proper procedures for implementation of Shariah law.
3.3) I have appointed Lois Lerner to a newly created position as chief of religious conformity within the Internal Revenue Service. She will determine the disposition of Christian, Jewish and other religious houses of worship.
Reaction from the Congress, when it returned from its Labor Day recess, was swift. House Speaker John Boehner said the House would be holding hearings on these proposed changes “as soon as the fall elections are over.” When it was pointed out to the speaker that the elections were beyond the 30-day window for Christians and Jews to convert to Islam, Mr. Boehner said, “No system is perfect, and the House is doing the best that it can to combat Mr. Obama’s overreaching executive orders.”
In the Senate, Mitch McConnell, the highest-ranking Republican under Democrat Harry Reid, said the government would definitely not be shutting down over this issue.
“Religious diversity is one of the hallmarks of a civilized society,” he said. “America has been a Christian nation long enough. The president won the election, and he has the right to determine the nation’s religion.”
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid praised Sen. McConnell’s good sense.
“Religious differences are certainly no excuse to shut down the federal government, an institution that has been in existence almost as long as I have,” Reid said. “Certainly under my watch there will be no government shutdown.
“However,” Mr. Reid continued, “the Senate will, in the interests of an orderly transition, begin holding hearings immediately to determine the most fair and equitable redistribution of the seized Christian, Jewish and other property and estates, once those faiths become illegal in America.”
Asked if the Senate planned on doing anything for the families of those who chose to die rather than convert to Islam, Mr. Reid pointed out that “choices have consequences. If people are going to be intolerant of Islam, I think that responsibility rests on their own head.”
Chief Justice John Roberts, reached at an ISIS re-education camp in Syria, said that because the justices were all out of the country for the next 30 days, there would be no expedited hearing of any challenge to the president’s executive orders. But he promised that the federal court system would take up individual cases from the one hundred million or so Americans who had been adversely affected by the president’s latest actions, even if it was posthumously.
“Look, he’s black, he grew up in Kenya with other black people, and he was educated by the Muslims in Indonesia and that college he went to,” he said. “He vacationed in Hawaii, where he found that birth certificate. What the (bleep) did you expect him to do?”
Several leading Christian pastors, when contacted by the media, had a somewhat different view: It was all a simple misunderstanding.
“The president knows he doesn’t actually have this authority. But as America’s first black, Muslim president, don’t you think we owe it to him to be cooperative? And remember: God calls upon Christians to do whatever the government tells them to do. You will go to hell, probably sooner rather than later, if you resist! Oops – gotta go – or I’ll miss my flight to Moscow, where I’ve been granted religious asylum.”
Several other executive orders were issued over the same weekend, but were widely viewed as less important than those already discussed. On the immigration front, the president took decisive action to ensure the returning ISIS fighters from Minnesota, and those newly arriving from other parts of the world, would not be burdened with the usual immigration red tape at the border.
The president also made it easier for these “freedom fighters,” as he referred to them, to be absorbed by the FBI, Secret Service and Homeland Security.
“We all know that lack of good jobs is the root cause of terrorism,” said the president. “We want to ensure the United States of America remains free and strong. Thus, I’ve ordered that these highly trained fighters be given priority hiring status by our federal law enforcement agencies.”
Along with that action, the president ordered the reassignment of Customs and Border Patrol officers to police the many borders shared between the various states of the United States of America.
“This is an unexplored avenue for stopping terrorism in our own country,” Mr. Obama said. “By ensuring that all Americans are properly documented to travel outside their state of residence, and have purchased the necessary government health insurance, we can do a lot to cut down on illegal voting, especially around election time.”
Speaker Boehner echoed that sentiment: “People have plenty to see and do within their own state. They don’t need to be driving all over the country, or flying across it, just to get from one place to another. And God knows we don’t need them to come to Washington, D.C. Can’t you people see how busy we are here?”
Media wishing to interview Craige McMillan, please contact email@example.com.