I was watching the morning news, and I became fascinated with the ridiculous, mindless chatter with which the white-gloved elite in this country concern themselves. I was trying to sleep, but the droning on about how a (tuck your lips up in your teeth as you say this) “civilized society” could possibly execute a mass murderer had my mind racing and somewhat amused.
They literally spent breath saying how uncivilized it is to execute the 35 mass murderers killed on death row in 2014, ignoring the largest genocide of innocents the world has ever known (5,000 babies aborted every day, with no trial, no “pain testing,” and no liberal to clean up the blood with a white handkerchief). They didn’t even utter mention of the victims and their “uncivilized” deaths. In many cases, the victims were children tortured to death by these heinous killers who were ultimately executed. How convenient, even luxurious, to smooth over all the facts and just emit hot air that means absolutely nothing.
Comparing liberal thought to conservative thought is like comparing a luxury vacation at a spa resort to a log cabin in a bear-infested, arctic region with no running water or electricity. Conservatives pound away in a survivalist mode, foregoing luxuries like fantasy, pontification and denial, while liberals call them names and make their life more difficult. I decided that if I can’t indulge in the luxury of actually being a liberal, I want to spend my morning over coffee, fantasizing about it.
Come along with me to the enchanting land of liberal luxe, teeming with flowers, fairies, sunshine – and, of course, rainbows!
The rules (which are made to be broken, of course!):
1) You can believe anything you want, engage in any deviant behavior, and be as hypocritical as Al Gore leading the environmentalist movement from his carbon-emitting private jet plane. But you still get credit, high-paying speaking deals and free stuff. Talking the talk without walking the walk – just the beginning of liberal fun!
2) Never again will you be called a racist, bigot, hater, sexist, homophobe, xenophobe or Islamophobe, even if you are. You’re now immune from labels, and you can sue and get rich if anyone missteps around you. Your job will never be lost for your politically incorrect behavior, like (gasp!) a Bible in the drawer, or a Christmas tree in your cubicle. Your business will never be picketed or defaced in your new role as a liberal (unless you talk to a conservative, or, God forbid, do business with a conservative. Then all bets are off!).
3) You can look down on the misanthropes who condone 35 death sentences of mass murderers and psychopaths, while you sleep well at night knowing children were raped and tortured by those you want to save on death row. And never mind the 5,000 babies killed that day for politically correct “choice” in the world’s largest genocide of all time. Sweet dreams!
4) You get to say that the problems could all be solved if guns were confiscated from legal gun owners. You could say it with a straight face, like Hitler did. Also like Hitler, you could smile pleasantly while people died because they couldn’t defend themselves against an over-reaching government. But saying the slogans, so pithy for the masses would be so enjoyable. And you could feel really cool for making such powerful political statements despite your entire lack of historical basis or knowledge. Oh! And you could do all of this while ignoring that cars and plastic buckets kill far more people each year than guns in the hands of responsible owners. No need to ban them. Banning buckets won’t punish those annoyingly fact-based, irritatingly happy, impossibly perky conservatives you are so jealous of, so it is best to ignore that pesky bucket issue. After all, punishing conservatives is more important than legitimacy, anyway.
5) You can call yourself a feminist while advocating, and even taking money from (Clinton Foundation), those who mutilate, behead, rape, abort and torture women. You can call yourself a humanist, even though you hate humans. You can call yourself a community organizer, even though all you do is wear a peace sign and cause disorder. You can call yourself compassionate even as you use gays for their votes. As my Branson buddy, Yakov Smirnoff says, “What a country!”
6) Everyone will like you! You don’t have to really do anything but spout rhetoric, and learn a good ad hominem attack or two in case you are confronted by a pesky conservative (they can be so annoying hurling facts at you), and BAM! You’re a charmer! Alinsky should have been so suave. The union guys who can be rather thuggish will like you, because you get them more money for less work. Go, you! The rioter thugs will love you, because you still scream “victim” for them after $11 trillion in welfare payments exacted by you and your friends have failed. (Heh, they’ll never know those welfare payments still have them on the plantation.) And the Muslims will love you! Because you are on their side, helping them enforce Shariah law all over the world. (Warning: Try to block the thought that, in most cases, it is those most blind to the impending threat of tyranny who are most slaughtered for it, like in Romania, Russia, North Korea, China, Germany … and, yeah, the list goes on, but block it. You can do it.) #LiberalLuxe #SocialistSwag
7) Like the best puzzle, think of the fun you could have with the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. No rules at all! Liberally apply emotion, and forget about common sense. It’s just a game, really! You can use it against itself for added fun. Consider: You can use the First Amendment to defend profanity and radical Islam, because both advance your socialist agenda. The best part? After you use it against the next annoying conservative, you can talk about how stupid it is to base anything hip and modern on something old, anyway! Ahhh! Peace, love and liberalism!
8) The biggest reason you should be a liberal is because they don’t have to worry about any of the major problems that really plague our world, such as tyranny, genocide or holocausts. Instead, you can focus on things that really don’t matter, like if “poor” people have phones (it worked for Hitler with cars!), if some little fish has plenty of water (even if it means we put California in a total drought for no reason), or if art is expressed freely enough (unless you put on a Muhammad art exhibit). How enjoyable!
9) You get to worry about the homeless – a lot. More than a lot. The homeless, after all, make the perfect mascot for your fantasy because no one can really knock a guy when he is down, even if he chooses to be “down” and makes more than the hard-working college student on a boxline at night who will contribute one day. You might look like a fool to the simple minded who actually believe your rhetoric if you are to call out the truth on this one. So just don’t. You don’t have to! Nobody can make you, or you can bully them. You are a liberal!
10) Crises are good news! They mean you get to advance your agenda. (Thanks, Rahm!) A train wreck with fatalities isn’t really a tragedy if you blame taxpayers and scream for more money for your cronies in the public sector union. More taxpayer money to bring more votes to you! You can spend other people’s money to discuss other people’s problems. Or not. You can still just go ahead and spend other people’s money.
Those are much easier things with which to concern myself, and I think my stress level has already diminished just planning to become a liberal!
If you are a patriot, chances are that most of your money goes into the movement (keep on waitin’ for those Koch bro checks!), since your votes will be stolen, your logic will be defamed, and your faith will be mocked, or worse. Thus, luxe vacations are probably out for you. So whenever you start to get discouraged, you can just enjoy this little trip down Liberal Lane.
Now if you are a liberal, and you are reading this, this is the point where you become outraged, incensed, livid at this racisthomophobicsexistbigot conservative who would say such things. How dare she?! Ooooh, if she were only a white guy, you could have her fired. (A woman is a little more dicey.) So you will just resort to No. 2 on this list (aptly) and begin name calling and making threats if you can think of some in 3… 2 … 1 …