One morning, as Hillary finished climbing into today’s pantsuit, she heard a voice.
Whirling around, Hillary grimaced. “Oh, it’s only you, Conscience. Haven’t talked with you for a while.” And she began to cough and hold her head.
“Yes, it’s just me. Sorry if I’m causing you to feel faint.”
“No, it will pass.” Cough, cough. “What did you want?”
“Oh, well, I thought it was time we caught up. And you know, listening to one’s Conscience usually makes a person feel better.”
Hillary lifted her chin. “OK, then. What’s on your mind?”
“Well …” Conscience takes out clipboard. “I have a list here. I don’t exactly know where to start. There’s the ‘deplorables’ comment. Really, how could you talk about fellow Americans that way?”
Hillary pursed her lips.
“And there’s Benghazi, of course.”
Hillary glared. “Don’t you dare …!”
“Oh, yes, I dare– I’m your Conscience. But let’s focus on other matters, like the undisclosed emails, unauthorized home computer server used for State Department classified business – endangering the entire country. And special favors for Clinton Foundation contributors. How are those Nigerian oil barons and business tycoons, by the way? Some are thought to be funding the terrorist group Boko Haram.”
Clinton turned away. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Hillary, I’m your Conscience. You can’t lie to me. Why didn’t you designate Boko Haram as a terrorist group when you were secretary ofsState? Maybe those hundreds of girls in Nigeria wouldn’t have been kidnapped. Most still haven’t been located. Couldn’t the U.S. do more to find them?”
“I sent out tweets about the kidnapped girls, just like Michelle Obama! The Nigerian government could have done more. I said it was ‘abominable‘! And it’s John Kerry’s problem now.”
“Is this the whole story? One Nigerian bishop believes the U.S. won’t help them or other African countries unless they embrace homosexuality, population control and abortion.”
Hillary’s chin lifts. “Abortion is a human right. And I said in a speech in 2011 that gay rights are human rights.”
Conscience sighed. “Really? Two 14-year-old boys having anal sex is a ‘human right’? What about freedom as a human right for those poor girls? Is forced marriage to a violent Muslim terrorist OK with you? I thought you opposed rape, sexism, the oppression of women and girls.”
“I explained all this. My actions as secretary of state had nothing to do with Nigeria’s conservative values, although those need to change. And leave Gilbert Chagoury and Kase Lawal out of this! Kase’s oil firm is based in Houston, not Nigeria.”
“Oh, yes, but he has major Nigerian oil interests. He’s been generous to you over the years, right? Hillary, I want you to read what one analyst wrote:
“The Clintons’ long association with top suspect tycoons – and their refusal to answer questions about those associations – takes on greater significance considering the dramatic rise of Boko Haram violence while Hillary Clinton was secretary of state. Did some Clinton donors stand to gain from the State Department not taking action against the Islamic terrorist group?”
Hillary looked at the quote, then scoffed. “There’s nothing to see here! Let’s move on.”
Conscience held up a finger. “No, I’m not done. Do you really believe that black lives matter?”
Hillary grew red in the face and began to cough again. “Of course!” (Cough, cough) “I’ve supported that movement. Police brutality needs to end, now!”
“But don’t black Africans deserve to live? No African babies – nor those in the U.S. – deserve to die through abortion. That’s not a human right! And women suffer under Muslim Shariah law. Why do you accept donations through the Clinton Foundation from oppressive Islamic regimes, where women can’t drive, can’t go out shopping without their husbands, are subjected to genital mutilation? They aren’t free to convert to another faith, like Christianity.”
Hillary scoffed. “Convert to Christianity? That won’t help women. Christians think homosexuality is immoral and abortion is murder!”
Conscience paused. “Well, they are. The Saudis agree, by the way. Many Muslim countries severely punish homosexual conduct, and abortion is often outlawed. So … why are these people your allies instead of Christians? Or are Christians just too ‘deplorable’?”
“I don’t have time for this! I have to be at a fundraiser in an hour.”
Conscience nodded. “I think you should make time for this, Hillary. That fundraiser – it’s for Planned Parenthood, right?”
“Yes. There’s nothing wrong with reproductive rights for women.” She glared defensively.
“Come on, Hillary. There’s no ‘right’ for one person to take the life of another. Or to make taxpayers pay for it.”
Hillary glanced around. “Quiet! Not everyone understands that part! It’s something I will absolutely get done as president, but for now, we have to play that down, you know, just a bit.” She sniffed. “Can’t the wealthiest country in the world afford health care costs for women?”
“If it were truly health care, possibly. But dismembering the baby in a woman’s eighth month of pregnancy? Or winking at Planned Parenthood as it sells off baby parts for profit?” Conscience looked hard at Hillary. “What part of real human rights don’t you understand?”
She turned away. “That only happens when the life of the mother is in danger! Or her health …”
“But you and I both know what ‘health’ can mean: ‘I’m stressed because my boyfriend will leave me if I don’t get this abortion!'”
“Women need support when men don’t treat them well!”
Conscience nodded. “I’m sure you found this out with Bill quite a few times. And babies need support … when?”
Hillary was stonily silent. “I think we’re done here.” Another coughing fit erupted.
Conscience paced. “Sorry to unload on you, Hillary. Well, actually, I’m not sorry. You and I don’t talk much. In fact, we haven’t really gotten to know each other at all over the years – although I keep trying.”
The coughing spasms finally ended. Hillary stormed out the door.
And Conscience stayed behind, as usual.
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