We've given teenagers a bad rap.
Almost from the day I brought my first bundle of joy home from the hospital, well-meaning friends, neighbors and complete strangers issued stern warnings that went something like this: "Enjoy all the pleasures of parenting now, because once she becomes a teenager, life will be one long, hard, miserable struggle."
Most adult conversations about teenagers feature shaking heads, rolling eyes, incredulous shoulder-shrugs and exchanges of pity. Parents are categorized into three groups: those who have not yet entered the strife of the teen years, those who are embroiled in it and those who have (somehow) managed to survive it.
Society expects teens to be lazy, self-centered, hungry and hormone-controlled. We expect them to wreak havoc on our family life, so we make plans to hunker down and hope to minimize the damage through strategies of appeasement, avoidance and electronic sedation.
I believe our negative stereotyping of teenagers has produced two harmful consequences.
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First, we miss out on what could otherwise be the richest time of all for mentoring and engaging these human packages of unexplored potential. With the incredible challenges and temptations our teens face – whether socially, academically, spiritually, or athletically – come beautiful and abundant opportunities for us to encourage them to seek Truth, to choose what is right over what is easy, to put others before self and to develop a lifestyle of integrity.
At a time when our teens are exploring music, movies and television, we as their parents – by virtue of our sheer proximity – can engage them in deep conversation about the themes of the latest hits and the worldview they illuminate. We can coach them in evaluating the pop culture they are immersed in according to an objective standard of Goodness, Truth and Beauty. What a tragedy to miss these opportunities!
A second consequence of our negative stereotyping of teenagers is the self-fulfilling prophecy phenomenon.
Common sense tells us that if we set no goals for a child's academic performance, ignore her studies and passively accept low grades, that child will typically exhibit low or mediocre academic performance. Common sense says that the same will be true of our teens' relational and character development. If we accept disrespectful, inconsiderate, selfish behavior from our teens as the norm – perhaps reacting with occasional yelling or revocation of privileges, but never confronting it purposefully – then we must expect that behavior to continue from adolescence into adulthood.
I believe that when it comes to teens, our culture suffers from what President George W. Bush once referred to as "the soft bigotry of low expectations," and I think it's time we took a stand against it. Because, as Frederick Douglass observed, "It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men."
Two incredible books by Paul Tripp opened my eyes to the tragedy of our negative teenager stereotype: "Age of Opportunity" and "Parenting." Tripp encourages parents to reject the ubiquitous cynicism about teenagers, to do the painstaking work of engaging them and to guide them in what he calls "redemptive interaction" with our culture – neither isolating them from it nor embracing it wholesale, but rather seeking to recognize the common ground we all share as human beings, and to understand and proclaim God's Truth to the world around us. While Tripp never sugarcoats the difficulties of parenting, he paints for us a beautiful picture of teenage years well-struggled.
And he issues this challenge to every parent of a teenager:
"When people ask you what you do, say, 'I am the parent of a teenager. It is the most important job I have ever had. Everything else I do for a living is secondary.' Then say, 'You know, I have never had a job that is so exciting! I have never had a job that is so full of opportunities. Every day I am needed. Every day I do things that are important, worthwhile, and lasting. I wouldn't give up this job for anything!"
To my own daughter, who has just entered the terrain of teenager-hood, I make this promise: I reject the world's cynicism about this exciting stage of life you have just entered. I will not waste or wish away these precious teenage years (although I may at times, especially late at night, be very, very grumpy). I will make decisions you do not like. But I will seize every opportunity to engage with you, and I will walk beside you with gratitude, joy and wonder at the blessing of being your mom.