Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.
How poignant are the White House calls for civil discourse, how emphatic, how cogent.
However, we encountered some seemingly uncivil language on the White House blogs, so we asked Howard Bashford, the Obama administration's assistant communications director, for rhetorical consistency, for some clarification.
"Mr. Bashford," we began respectfully, "Last Dec. 14, Communications Director Dan Pfeiffer, wrote, 'We are closer than ever before to passing fiscally responsible health reform legislation. So it's not a surprise that the most reflexively and ideologically partisan commentators are lashing out.' How is such name-calling civil?"
"You don't like it? Lump it!" he replied.
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Somewhat taken aback, we pressed on: "On Dec. 30 your boss wrote, regarding criticism of homeland security measures – specifically by former Vice President Cheney – that there had been numerous public statements by the president that "we are at war. The difference is this: President Obama doesn't need to beat his chest to prove it.'
"Some might call this, uh, overly defensive and a gratuitous slap at President Bush."
Bashford glowered at us and said, "Up yours!"
We tried again, "Last week, Mr. Pfeiffer wrote, 'So as you follow the health reform debate in the media, don't fall prey to the cynicism and pessimism of a lot of the chattering class.' Do you think it's civil to call the media 'the chattering class'?"
"I'll talk slow, so youse'll understand," said Bashford. "When we call for civility, what we're really is saying is, "Let's youse be civil."
Some California legislators got all weepy over the fact the state's budget problems limited their "productivity" last year. This means they only created 800-odd new laws. Given the character of many of these measures, one might give thanks for the distraction of a $21 billion deficit. Listed below are some of these laws, as reported by various California news media. The comments, of course, are our own:
Our 'green' Legislature: The City of Industry (Los Angeles County) wanted to build a stadium for professional football but was thwarted by environmental lawsuits. So the Legislature voted to exempt the project from applicable laws. And if the city can't attract a pro team, maybe it can get the Oakland Raiders to move south again.
They'll drink to that: While they were letting the City of Industry off the hook, our lawmakers waived the stricture on displaying indoor liquor advertisements – for just one business, Club Nokia. The Los Angeles Times explains this is "a downtown Los Angeles venue owned by billionaire Philip Anschutz." Not that money had anything to do with it.
Oh! The humanity! Snakes and captive raptors, like owls and hawks, prefer their meat fresh – as in alive. But the Legislature, in solidarity with Rattus norvegicus, pushed through a law requiring that pet stores euthanize rats humanely before they are served up. This puts pet purveyors in the position of having to find tiny rat veins for lethal injection.
Thereby hangs a tail: Protecting millions of years of evolution, the state has banned the docking of cows' tails – unless medically necessary. We don't know why bobbing bovine appendages should be desirable, but watch for suspicious outbreaks of tail diseases at California feed lots.
Fundamental fairness: It now is legal in California to ride a bicycle without a seat. However, this doesn't mean you can rip the saddle off the post and throw it away. Seatless bikes must have been made that way. And, yes, there are such animals.
Milking the gay vote: Proving you don't have to die for anything to attain sainthood, the lawmakers succeeded in establishing Harvey Milk Day as a "day of special significance" in California schools. Milk, the homosexual San Francisco supervisor, was assassinated by retired Supervisor Dan White because he wouldn't vote to reinstate White. Thus Milk became a "gay" martyr.
"Noose" to us: It's now a misdemeanor – a terrorist act – to suspend a hangman's noose at any public school or college campus. Don't worry. It's still OK to burn the American flag.
Next year, doughnuts! Restaurants now must limit trans fats to no more than half a gram per serving of "regular food." You figure out how to measure that. And you can forget Julia Child's dictum: "You can never have too much butter."
Find another way to steal: No more paying your better half to work for your political campaign. But don't worry: You can always hire your honey after you're elected.
Come and get us, copper! Joining an office betting pool, formerly a misdemeanor, now is just an infraction, meaning the maximum fine is reduced from $1,000 to $250. Watch for a major enforcement sweep in your town.
We could go on, but this should be enough to bolster your faith in government.
Moreover, I am less interested in passing out blame than I am in learning from and correcting these mistakes to make us safer. For ultimately, the buck stops with me. As president, I have a solemn responsibility to protect our nation and our people. And when the system fails, it is my responsibility.
– President Barack Obama on the failure to keep a bomb-carrying terrorist off Northwest Airlines Flight 253.
Let us point out: It is possible for a system to fail, but in the case of the Christmas Day bombing attempt – unlike the case of the 9/11 attacks – the system itself was in good shape. The failure lies at the feet of the people in charge of the system, that is, the team the president installed to run it.
Despite the president's claim that he understands we are at war, he appointed people who viewed terrorism the same way he does – or did – as a law enforcement problem. Remember, organizational attitudes typically reflect the attitude at the top, and the attitude at the top on Christmas Day was lackadaisical.
And it stayed lackadaisical after the bomber, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, was in custody. (Oops! Forgot to write "alleged bomber.") Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano first lied that the system had worked. Then she gave a phony "clarification" of the statement. At the very least, she should be fired for being an incompetent liar.
Even last Thursday, when the president was giving his hollow acceptance of "the buck," John Brennan, his deputy national security adviser, was pushing the "systemic failure line." We only had "fragments" of information, he whined. The failure was in not "connecting the dots." (Let us nominate that for the cliché most deserving of destruction in 2010.)
Fragments!? Dots!?
Abdulmutallab's father alerted U.S. authorities that his son had gone radical and might attack the United States. That's not a dot or a fragment. It stands alone as a great big chunk of intelligence, a pile, a mountain. It should have been sufficient to keep the bomb toter out of the air. Brennan's line was essentially the same one he was peddling before the president took his anti-terrorism team to the woodshed.
The administration had to push its connect-the-dots nonsense because that's the only fallback it had. It didn't possess – as the Bush administration did – a leftover Justice Department memorandum from the Clinton administration, ordering intelligence agencies not to share information.
Obama administration officials were asleep at the switch in every anti-terrorism office in the chain of command, and that includes the Oval Office. In failing to acknowledge the attitudinal problem, the president didn't stop the buck; he dodged it.