The scene on the final evening of the Democratic convention next week is bound to be a gripping one: Some 75,000 people will be in the stands awaiting healing and anointing in the packed but expansive confines of Denver's Invesco Field.

The entire event has forced the Broncos to make contingency plans for an alternate place to play their home football games just in case the entire stadium is swept away during the pretribulation rapture on the night of 28 August in the year marked by the gathered faithful as 48 B.C. (Barack's Coming, two score and 8 years ago)

As tens of thousands clamor for their savior – the Benny Hinn of wealth redistribution – the high-decibel chants of "Obama" will be broken only by the orgasmic screeches of writhing members of the mainstream media. The tingle up Chris Matthews' leg will hurt so unbearably good that "Hardball" will, for one brief and shining moment, be the most apropos program title in the world.

Invesco Field will prove to be the perfect choice of location. The oxygen level at a mile above sea level combined with a throng of people fighting for limited air will cause neurotransmitter asphyxia, thereby filling every empty promise full of hope, causing every status-quo liberal Jimmy Carter throwback policy to appear to be "change" and rendering the tire pressure of everybody who drove to the event unsurpassed in its proper psi level, thereby negating any need to drill for oil in Colorado.

Who will be there? Those Democrats who think a society is made safer by only allowing crooks to have guns will be there. Those Democrats who believe that "global warming" is a moral issue, but killing babies is a "choice" will be there.

Those Democrats who decry violence in all of its forms, and yet are fully prepared to go on a hunger strike if the government doesn't release terrorists from Gitmo will be there. Those Democrats who pay nonunion labor to picket Wal-Mart for its failure to unionize will be there. Those Democrats who do whatever John Mellencamp tells them to do will be there.

Those Democrats who believe Fox News shouldn't be on the air because it clouds the superior objectivity of PBS, CNN, CBS, NBC and ABC will be there. Those 38-year-old unemployed Democrats still living in their parents basements who think that Exxon doesn't pay enough income tax will be there. Those Democrats who believe that the single greatest threats to the world as we know it are trans fats and incandescent light bulbs will be there.

(Column continues below)

There is expected to be some strife and disagreement, but any unruly protesters – aside from the Clintons – will be thrown in a holding cell known as "Little Gitmo," where they'll be contained until the end of the convention and kept at a safe distance from both the One, as well as their habeas corpus rights. Why is it called "Little Gitmo"?

Because "Wow, that's really incredibly ironic" couldn't fit on the door. The ceiling of Little Gitmo will be painted to resemble the underside of Obama's bus just in case any former friends of the One (i.e. Rev. Wright or William Ayers) happen to be incarcerated.

Those lucky enough to be at Invesco Field (soon to be renamed "The Mount" pending approval by the Denver City Council) will undergo a cultural education, as the Middle Eastern Al-Jazeera Network will be covering the convention. That's right; a collection of people who act as the mouthpiece for those who want to destroy America as we know it will be at the convention – and Al-Jazeera will be in Denver covering them.

And then it will happen. The heavens will open up, lights will beam down and the One will walk across the Platte River and into Invesco Field. Anderson Cooper's jaw will drop, Katie Couric will faint and Charlie Gibson will throw out his back genuflecting, which will provide the perfect segue into the socialized medicine portion of the One's sermon.

The One will then speak of honest, responsive government with integrity as Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick nods in agreement. He will speak of respecting life as Barbara Boxer clanks two coat hangars together in approval. He will speak of the need to stop global warming and greenhouse gas emissions as Al Gore circles overhead in his private jet sky-writing the website address for the "Alliance for Climate Protection." And he will speak of the duty of the government to provide a free higher education for people in all 58 states.

What a scene it will be. Americans, prepare to be saved – from the evil burden of having any money.

Related special offers:

"The Obama Nation" – Autographed

"NObama" magnetic bumper sticker

Whistleblower magazine's "THE SECRET LIFE OF BARACK OBAMA"