humbug n.
Something intended to deceive; a hoax or fraud. A person who claims to be other than what he or she is; an impostor

buggery n.
Vulgar unnatural vice

With a jury of squealing halfwits in tow, the P.T. Barnum of sexual artifice held sway this week at the circus known as MTV Video Music Awards.

I'm speaking, of course, of that marketing concept known as "Madonna."

With her facile passing of the worthless for the invaluable, Madonna managed to foist off one of the cheapest bar tricks in the world as a "show stealer" – French kissing servile young pop mega-stars Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.

It was all part of a bump-and-grind fest set to Madonna's 1984 hit "Like A Virgin," with Madonna appearing as a masculine hard-edged butch groom and Christina and Britney as fawning, ditzy, barely-dressed brides.

The stunt is still getting worldwide media play, with Spears telling CNN she would not kiss a woman again – unless of course, it was Madonna.

It was painfully embarrassing to watch a hesitant Britney engage in sexual exhibitionism with her mentor. Word is she had to be coaxed repeatedly by Madonna during rehearsals: "Madonna kept having to go, 'Britney, kiss me, kiss me!'" says Aguilera.

Christina on the other hand looked ridiculously determined to appear enthusiastic as the two singers groveled to please the middle-aged Madonna in what was a clearly calculated bid to boost the latter's sagging, um, career.

The fact that smoochy Mo's old enough to be Britney's and Christina's surrogate lesbian mom added to the overall "yuck" factor.

Noting the evident desperation of this "hilariously unerotic" trio, British writer Marina Hyde imagined a claque of suit-clad marketing execs calculating the possible financial gains of the three-way lip-lock.

"Yes, partial insertion of the tongue will play well on balance. What we lose in Iowa we'll just hoover up in the bi-coastal markets. Groping's strictly out across the board, though – gentle head support only, or you can press 87,000 less albums each and forget Oprah promotion."

Madonna's "brilliant" performance is the sort of thing that happens routinely at live-music nightclubs as any professional musician or club-hopper would tell you. It's not uncommon to see gorgeous bartenders – not a few of whom are former strippers – trade a faux-lesbian kiss with each other in order to hustle up some hot tips from sap customers – especially as closing time nears.

It is, in fact, the cheapest bar trick in the world.

But when Madonna did it, the bobble-headed press galloped breathlessly away with fevered stories of a "show stealer!"

Madonna was clearly counting on an audience and press with the addled mindset of gnats in heat, and she was clearly not disappointed.

Turning such a stunt into breaking international news is just as ridiculous as P.T. Barnum's raffling off of useless, dusty old bottles.

Remember those bottles? The ones described in P.T. Barnum's autobiography? Well, they were pretty worthless, and no one wanted them. So P.T. set about creating an illusion of worth, by convincing the public they were something they really ought to covet. A subsequent raffle for a "special prize" converted the cheap into the craved.

P.T. Barnum didn't call himself the "Prince of Humbugs" for nothing.

And Madonna wouldn't know classy allure if it bit her in the bejeweled buttocks.

The mainstreaming of the cheap into a multi-million dollar fortune for herself is her main legacy.

In the process, she's successfully parted men from their wallets for what they could see for free on a regular basis if they knew anything about local nightlife.

On the darker side, these three exhibitionists are predominantly positioned as purveyors of ideal feminine identity to the young and impressionable – actually to girls age 10-17, according to music marketing numbers.

And the unmistakable message was:

• It's cool to treat those who look up to you and admire you as sexual playthings to be manipulated by you – as long as you can make a buck off of it;

• Women who can't stun by sheer musical talent (Madonna) should make up for it by exploiting themselves and others as sexual objects;

• Success is defined by sheer quantity: units sold, viewers counted and levels of publicity garnered.

And this is 2003?

Inexplicably, schizophrenic feminists and lesbians adulate "Veronica Electronica" as a really progressive person.

Please. Madonna is as progressive as the dawn of prostitution. Her shtick has been around since the beginning of time.

She puts the broad in "broad-minded." Where Scott Peck took the road less traveled, Madonna took the one well-nigh trampled and worn down by the cowardly, the clueless, the unstable and the criminal.

Madonna is not progressive, but backwards, thoroughly conforming to whatever standards cheapen women.

While her career antics have set the image of women in music back to the Ice Age, the protesting voices of feminists and gay leaders are nowhere to be heard, except as baying mules in her stable of sycophantic praise.

Madonna has intentionally confused freedom with licentiousness in the minds of young girls and would have them believe to be "free" is to live free of elegance, and class, to live free of loveliness and beauty to live a life stripped bare of the sincere and the truly powerful.

Young people are best advised to remember that the major media coverage is often not a reliable barometer when it comes to indicating (and elevating) real musical talent and notable women.

There are plenty of women out there with stunning talent and real class. Some are just coming into their own, while others are veterans yet not household names like Madonna.

Lizz Wright

Check out 22-year-old Georgia native Lizz Wright, who wowed a festival crowd in Chicago last year with her creamy alto and mind-blowing performance. A record deal soon followed.

Barbara Dennerlein

Or keyboard genius Barbara Dennerlein of Germany who flaunts stunning chops, groove to spare and wildly imaginative songwriting skills.

Or how about the electric-guitar wielding Jennifer Batten, who has a tour with Jeff Beck under her belt, and has been amazing audiences around the world for years.

Jennifer Batten

The list goes on, from the altogether lovely Norah Jones and Diana Krall to Natalie Merchant, all of whom can hold an audience spellbound with simply their voice and an acoustic piano.

These women don't need to reveal flesh as though they were desperate for attention – their sheer talent is beautiful to behold and they know it.

They don't pull stunts. They live the fulfilled life of accomplishment, pride and the deserved admiration of others.

There's nothing like the real thing to show up a counterfeit pretty quickly.

Time to let that tinfoil crown of yours crumple up and blow off your pointy little head, Madonna. You are unexciting and weak, tawdry and tiresome.

Step down from the tinsel throne and let the real female talent show the world how it's done.

Sherrie Gossett is a Florida-based researcher and writer, formerly with the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, and a contributing reporter to WorldNetDaily. She also is a professional guitarist, with stage, studio and world-touring experience.