After over two years of writing commentary on politics and culture, I have concluded that I am wrong in everything. Just as I failed the public school system, I have failed the world.

What helped me realize my complete incompetence was an e-mail I received. Right between a letter explaining my bigotry and one government school teacher informing me of my arrogance, column reader Greg put in plain words what my problem is: My outlook is based on what my parents think.

I wish someone had enlightened me sooner, but I suppose I am simply a slow learner. Though I have received these comments for years, I am just now beginning to see some very serious flaws in myself that no longer make me eligible for freedom of speech.

First and foremost, I really have no idea what's going on outside my own little world here in rural Oklahoma. Many readers have noted the location of my existence and tell me I simply do not have any exposure to the outside world. They are right; it's a day's ride on horseback to any other family and it takes untold amounts of time to get outside the state on a wagon – I rarely see anyone outside my family.

Secondly, I am brainwashed. Please forgive me, but it is rather difficult to escape the mind-control techniques used by my parents. It's a hard confession to make, but none of the opinions espoused in this column were my own. I freely admit now that I was regurgitating the ideas of mother and father.

From an early age, they required my sister, brother and I to memorize phrases promoting the conservative ideology. That's right; I am here to expose the grotesque practice of conservatives indoctrinating their children.

Third, I am simply too young. Column reader Dawn explains, "My son is 15, and there are certain situations where he is not allowed to criticize others, even though he may be right."

Again, this is another case of my parents using me as a pawn, thinking for me. I now know my proper role in life: I should only speak when spoken to. Although my slow learning is probably a result of homeschooling, I am beginning to see my relevance in culture: Children should be seen and not heard.

Lastly, now that I am free from the oppression of overbearing, right-wing parents, I know that I shouldn't have an opinion. Maybe when I am an old man, I will have the life experience needed to express a sound idea on politics and culture.

Until I become ancient, I will begin to party, to "live life to the fullest," as they say. One reader says, "The kid just needs to get to college, join a frat and get hazed for a semester."

Thanks to these words of wisdom, that's what I plan on doing. First, I will enroll in a party college. After wasting myself nearly to the point of death, my fraternity days will be bliss. Although the hazing may be difficult, I know it will help me see the world using rational thinking.

Next, I will party in college for a few years and then fail all my classes – because that's the cool thing to do. Hopefully, after the college social experience, I can begin to father children born out of wedlock. Although this will be a financial burden, I plan to find a part-time job and spend the rest of my days writing and espousing views based on a worldly experience.

I know you wish you had it all planned out like I do. I can only thank the concerned readers of this column who warned me of my isolation, indoctrination and proper role in society.

The only thing I regret is wasting all my time on the so-called "successful" accomplishments of writing a weekly column, a book and appearing on national talk shows.

We all make mistakes.