Last week in Sydney, Australia, the International Congress on Obesity met to discuss what is described as a looming obesity pandemic. Don't panic, it's not airborne, and to my knowledge there are no known ill effects from second-hand cheesecake.

Having just come off a weekend laden with grilled brats, cheeseburgers, biscuits, sausage gravy and football, the topic of the conference caught my attention for obvious reasons.

Many at the conference are now claiming that, for the first time in world history, there are more overweight human beings than undernourished. This seems to be causing a panic among cholesterol-phobes, but in the world of problems, I'd have hoped there were bigger things about which to panic. Terrorism? Phooey. Bird flu? Nuts. Iran with nukes? Dog piddle. Twinkies? Run for your lives!

According to folks at the ICO, there are now over a billion overweight people on the planet. The problem is reaching a degree where if we all simultaneously fall down in the shower, we'll knock the earth out of its orbit. The problem is that serious.

Remember the song "Feed the world?" We sure did heed that advice (I don't know about you, but I do anything a pop star tells me). If this keeps up, a "Band-Aid" sequel, "All right already, stop feeding the world," may be in order.

But wait, you can't have a ''looming dangerous health problem'' without somebody wanting to start regulating everything with the exception of personal responsibility. An Associated Press article covering the conference outlined a call for the impositions of bans on junk food advertising aimed at children.

Addressing the problem of childhood obesity by banning the advertising of junk food is a little like hoping that the removal of the drug store condom display will make people stop wanting to have sex.

Like all "global crises," one of the first steps to solving the obesity problem is to put a clamp on the free-market system. If we're going to mandate something, why not leave the free market alone and order the parents to monitor their kids' diet and take them to a mandatory exercise class four days a week? Nah, it's easier just to pretend that Ho-Ho's and Twizzlers don't exist.

By the way, you know who else is very concerned about the health of our dangerously tubby children and is calling for huge shifts of U.S. budget money to fight diabetes and heart disease? The Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Company. B & J's has an initiative called "American Pie" (when concerned about the problem of obesity, must we mention pie?) that seeks to drastically cut funding for nuclear deterrence and apply the money to health-care programs and to "lift children out of poverty." According to the Congress on Obesity, the latter would be easier if only we could lift them.

Call me kooky, Ben & Jerry, but I consider ''nuclear deterrence'' to be one whopper of a health-care item. National defense capability is more important to our personal well-being than the surgeon general, any Ben & Jerry's "save the children" campaign, every automobile airbag and "no smoking" sign put together. What good is Head Start and free prescription drugs to a smoldering pile of ashes formerly known as an American family?

Besides, making stuff that will blow our enemies to kingdom come is one of the few things the government does right. Let's let 'em do it and leave the raising of the kids up to the parents, who are the best resource to ''lift kids out of poverty'' when they are allowed to keep their own money and not be subjected to liberal do-gooding which is tearing families apart at the seams.

The United States ranks very high in the rate of childhood obesity, so much so that some of our kids are developing orbiting moons. This leads to heart disease, diabetes, and many other ailments. Thanks for this is due in no small part to ice cream. Ben & Jerry's would accomplish more toward their stated goal of healthier children by simply going out of business than by any other single act of government.

Here's a topic for next year's International Congress on Obesity meeting, to be discussed at length over a few cartons of Cherry Garcia: If obesity is overtaking smoking as the number one killer, how can some call cigarette companies ''evil,'' and yet allow an ice cream company to label itself as ''socially responsible'' without laughing them out of business?