Editor's note: Michael Ackley's columns may include satire and parody based on current events, and thus mix fact with fiction. He assumes informed readers will be able to tell which is which.

No longer can we remain in denial. A presidential election campaign really is under way, and, try as we might, we cannot avoid, ignore or dismiss it.

As tomorrow begins the actual election year, the time seems right for me to put in my two cents on what I'm looking for in a chief executive. Here follows a partial list.

I want a president who:

• Will pardon Border Patrol agents Ignacio Ramos and Jose Compean. It also would be a good idea to let drug runners know that if they cross our border with a load of pot they will be shot, rather than granted immunity from prosecution.

• Believes in God and that our inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness come from "the Creator."

• Will proclaim loudly: "If your children aren't learning, it's your fault." (This would eliminate candidates – and that would be most of them – who believe government is the answer, to education and everything else.)

• Will explain – if possible – why the United Nations is worth saving, and why the United States should continue to provide its principal financial support.

• Will refute the idea – popular in Congress – that the national debt is no problem as long as it is only a small percentage of the gross domestic product.

• Will ask Sen. Harry Reid and Rep. Nancy Pelosi – as Spain's King Juan Carlos asked Venezuela's Hugo Chavez – "Porque no te callas?" ("Why don't you shut up?")

• Won't go six years before vetoing a bad bill.

• Takes naps.

• Recognizes that the War on Terror is an actual war, not an abstraction, as it is regarded by the nation's university faculties.

• Doesn't have to depend on speech writers to render a graceful or powerful phrase.

• Will hammer home the point that energy independence will come from domestic oil production rather than from recycled french fry grease.

• Won't reduce America's "carbon footprint" by bowing to China and other unbridled polluters.

• Now and then likes a good, rare steak, flanked by a baked potato with sour cream, chives and maybe even bacon bits.

• Has read and understands the Constitution, and takes seriously his oath to protect it and defend it.

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• Will speak out forcefully against governmental assaults on religion, particularly by the ignoramuses who run the public schools.

• Will say, "Porque no te callas?" to activists who equate "immigrants" with "illegal aliens."

• Will veto thought-crime (also known as hate-crime) legislation.

• Will appoint "originalists" to the United States Supreme Court – jurists who won't turn to foreign law for guidance in their decisions.

• Is anti-abortion and pro-capital punishment.

• Will let the world know the United States will defend the lives and interests of Americans, anywhere on Earth.

• Will not surrender American sovereignty to any super-national alliance or other combination of governments.

• Will affirm the right of parents to rescue their children from the thought control of public schools.

• Won't kowtow to business interests who think exploiting illegal aliens is more important than preserving America's national identity.

• Will tell Felipe Calderon, "Porque no te callas?" when the Mexican president complains about America's efforts to control its borders.

• Won't use the power of the federal government to intimidate or punish critics. (On the other hand, if you want a president with experience in this regard, vote Clinton.)

• Recognizes that an important function of the presidency is to serve as an example of honor and virtue to America's youth. (On the other hand … )

• Welcomes legal immigrants and tells them they should be proud of their ethnic heritage – as they assimilate American language, culture and values.

• Likes to read history books.

• Regardless of his views on the war, will not abandon the Iraqi people to terror and chaos.

• Has a sense of humor and a sense of the absurd, both essential for life in the capital city.

• Recognizes that the honorific "Mister President" doesn't mean "your majesty."

• Is loyal to allies but appoints the most-qualified people to administration jobs.

• Doesn't try to speak with phony regional accents.

• Doesn't tell racist jokes when "among friends."

• Hasn't abused drugs in his youth but always has preferred to see the world as it is, not as it may be seen through chemical filters.

• Understands our children will bear the consequences of his policies.

• Recognizes the compatibility of science and religion.

• Will veto any environmental treaty that puts the United States at an economic disadvantage in international competition.

• Will insist that WorldNetDaily's reporting be included in his daily news digest.

That's a start. I will gratefully receive your suggestions, and reasons for, additions or deletions. (Kindly include permission to use your name, if you choose to participate.)

Happy New Year!

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