Yes, folks, it’s time to indulge in that most tiresome of traditions
— the Year End Awards. Typically this repugnant ritual is simply
another way for lazy columnists to fill up their page quota … but
mainly it’s a way for those most noxious of all shills (they
sometimes refer to themselves as “critics”) who write for mainstream
papers and magazines to hype their favorite product and kiss a little
booty at the same time. Since I have no interest in hyping
anything (except myself), hopefully you’ll find my Awards
somewhat more … ah, entertaining. Oh yeah, if I mistakenly put
something in here that happened last year … or even the year before,
the deal is, I sort of lost track of what year it was somewhere around
1975 (all I know for sure is, it just keeps getting worse). So cut me
some slack, OK? Allright enough yammer. Let’s go!
MOVIES, MUSIC AND OTHER ESSENTIALLY UNIMPORTANT THINGS
If you never did these things again, it wouldn’t matter: went
to the movies, watched TV
Worst actress: Meryl Streep
Worst actor: Brad Pitt
Still a terrible actor despite numerous acting lessons: Chuck
Norris
Recording artists with one name who can’t sing: Bjork, Beck
Let’s hope these people don’t make comebacks: Arsenio Hall,
Roseanne Barr, New Kids On The Block
Most obnoxious actor/comedian: Robin Williams
Worst Robert DeNiro Imitator: Robert DeNiro
Worst capped teeth: Al Pacino
Most consistent producer of schlock TV: Aaron Spelling
Please don’t let this guy host the Academy Awards again:
Billy Crystal
Does the space between this guy’s teeth keep getting bigger, or
is it just my imagination?: David Letterman
Bad musician turned bad actor: Harry Connick Jr.
How many bad LP’s can this guy put out before we realize he’s
history?: Bob Dylan
Newest excuse for rock stars to “help the world”: Tibetan
Freedom Concert
Most fashionable “cause” amongst the Hollywood elite: Native
American Indians
Why does this sow still keep selling records?: Madonna
Put ’em out to pasture already: Aerosmith
Biggest bully movie star with fading career: Steven Seagal
One-hundred percent mafia infestation: Rap music industry
Scariest actor: Jim Carrey
Most unoriginal new recording artist: Marilyn Manson (yawn)
Thank god this jerk seems to have disappeared: Pauly Shore
Most noxious (and least funny) comedian: Dennis Miller
Worst TV Producer: Ed Zwick
Oh no … they’re touring again: The Grateful Dead
Worst country music artist: Garth Brooks
Weirdest mouth on an actress: Frances McDormand
Most self -serving director: James Cameron
Worst Movie of the Year: Titanic
Biggest hack director: Oliver Stone (first place); Quentin
Tarantino (runner-up).
Most gratuitous bare chest cover shot: Nicholas Cage (Us
Magazine)
Stupidest TV show: X-Files
Best hairlip on an actor: Joacquin Phoenix
Remakes to avoid: Psycho; The Avengers; Rear Window
Hollywood’s most unlikely new romance: Liz Taylor and Rod
Steiger
Several redundant questions asked by (former) songwriter Bob
Dylan: “How many roads must a man walk down?” How man years can so
people exist?” “How does it feel? ”
STUFF THAT BUGS ME AWARDS
The thing that bugs me most when I go to someone’s house: hair
in the bathroom sink; anything less than a half-roll of toilet paper
Most irritating trend that refuses to die: personalized
licence plates; “My kid goes to_________ school” bumper stickers (who
cares?)
Most disgusting trend in bookstores: People (mostly fat) who
sit in the middle of the aisle
Most repugnant new ad campaign: “Got milk?”
Most offensive offense by mothers: bringing their children
with them to movies, libraries (or anywhere for that matter)
Bad idea: books on tape
Worse idea: books on computer
WHY ARE THESE PEOPLE STILL AROUND AWARD?
Kiss, Mariah Carey, Billy Idol, John McEnroe, U2, Barbara Walters,
The Beastie Boys, Hunter Thompson, Cindy Lauper, David Crosby, George
Winston, Jerry Lewis, Shirley McLaine, Dick Clark, Rupert Murdoch, all
Elvis imitators, Cher, Ivana Trump, Tom Arnold, Ed McMahon, David
Letterman, Don Henley, Dr. Ferdie Pacheco, Willie Nelson, Hulk Hogan,
Bret Easton Ellis, Richard Dreyfuss, Dr. Wayne Dyer, Andy Rooney,
Barbara Streisand
THE BIG “D” AWARD
Deaths I was saddest about: Bob Kane (creator of Batman),
Sonny Bono, Professor James W. Tuttleton (author of “Manners In
America”), Roy Rogers, Frank Sinatra (I don’t care if he was a mobster,
he was the best)
Deaths I tried to care about, but didn’t: Princess Di
Deaths I did not particularly mind: Tupak Shakur, Gianni
Versace, Dr. Frederick Lenz (aka Zen Master Rama)
TOTALLY OVER-RATED AWARDS
Tori Amos, Leonardo DeCaprio, Brad Pitt, Eric Clapton, homemade
soup, “health”food, teenagers, sex, having children, “L.A. Law,” Jakob
Dylan, Allanis Morisette … and all the rest of the “new” women singers
(hey, Joan Baez did the same schtick 30 years ago … and she could
actually sing!)
THE (AHEM) “LITERATI” AWARDS
So what if it took him 14 years to write it … who wants to read
the bloody thing?: Tom Wolfe’s new novel
Nobody could be this prolific (as in … this cat uses
ghostwriters): Steven King
Most widely misread author: God
Most meaningless phrase used by (so-called) journalists: “Our
sources”
Most self-serving magazine editor: Steven Brill
Most self-serving former magazine editor: Tina Brown
Most overrated non-publishing author: J.D. Salinger
My favorite columnist (besides myself): Joe Sobran
Terrible books by politicians: “1945” by Newt Gingrich;
“Nightlaunch” by Jake Garn; “The Double Man” by Gary Hart and William S.
Cohen; “Mackerel by Moonlight” by William F. Weld (former governor of
Massachusetts)
Worst screenwriter: (tie) Joe Esterhas, David Mamet (also
worst playwright)
Best Book by A Conservative: “Slouching Towards Gomorrah” by
Robert Bork
Most unlikely newspaper column written by ex-singer and failed
actor: Art Garfunkel (Rolling Stone)
PEOPLE WHO ARE IN NEED A PUBLIC SPANKING (OR PERHAPS BEHEADING)
AWARDS
Gloria Allred, Leslie Abramson, Barbara Streisand, Daryl Gates,
Johnny Cochran, Sally Struthers, Robert Bly, Judge Judy, Sam Donaldson,
Nora Ephron, Shirley McLaine, Michael Eisner, Roseanne Barr, Patsy
Ramsey, Judge Lance Ito, cranky postal clerks, many New York Jews
NAUSEATING NEW AGE STUFF AWARDS
Newest and most disgusting self-help book category: books by
depressed people
Most tiresome New Age fad: UFO abductions
Biggest New Age Sheister Of The Year: Dr. Deepak Chopra
PROOF THAT THE APOCALYPSE IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER AWARDS
The massive “coming out” of trans-genders;
the fact that Michael Jackson is still in existence; the never-ending
number of New Age books on Goddess consciousness, feminist warriors, et
al.
HAIR, BODY PARTS, ETC, AWARDS
Worst hairdo: Tori Spelling
Worst breast implants: Tori Spelling
Most hair on back: Robin Williams
Worst hairdo on TV anchor: Ted Koppel
Worst three o’clock shadow: New Gingrich
Worst comb-over: William F. Buckley Jr.
Needs new image: Dennis Praeger
Most sickening fashion craze: dreadlocks on white guys
Worst rug on a newscaster: Sam Donaldson
Worst mustache: Matt Dillon
Worst eyebrows: Sam Donaldson
Worst sideburns: Matt Drudge
Worst lips: Sandra Bernhardt
Worst armpits: Tina Turner
NOSTRIL AWARDS (A BRAND NEW CATEGORY THIS YEAR!)
Largest nostrils: (three-way tie:) Jeff Goldblum, Dionne
Warwick, Charo)
Most sincere nostrils: Sally Fields
Most insincere nostrils: Alan Dershowitz
Most profound nostrils: Dr. Joyce Brothers
Tiniest nostrils: (tie) Michael J. Fox, Paul Simon
Hairiest nostrils: Ed Asner
Most obnoxious nostrils: Madonna
Ugliest nostrils: Tina Turner
Scariest nostrils: Blackula
Most egotistical nostrils: Eddie Murphy; (runner-up) Bill
Cosby
Noisiest nostrils: Some girl behind me at the movies last
week
Best nostril emoting by an over-the-hill actress: Ali McGraw
COOL PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS AWARDS
My favorite misanthrope: Florence King
My favorite (deceased) curmudgeon: G.K. Chesterton
My favorite (living) curmudgeon : me
Coolest web site: The Grudge Report
My favorite weapon: .38 (.45’s jam)
Best country singer in world: Merle Haggard
Best expose of “gay” (hah!) lifestyle: “Inside San
Francisco’s Gay Underworld,” by Lee Grady (Charisma magazine)
Coolest quote by a curmudgeon: “Imagination does not breed
insanity; reason does. Poets do not go mad. Chess players do.”
Most welcome musical comeback: John Fogerty
My favorite cooking show: Two Fat Ladies (Cable Food Network)
Best method of self-defense: KRAV MAGA (based on Israeli
combat training)
Black comedian who’s actually funny: Chris Rock
Coolest feminist: Susan Faludi
Coolest comeback: Vinyl records
My favorite religious song: “They Ain’t Makin’ Jews Like
Jesus Anymore” (Kinky Friedman)
UNCOOL PEOPLE, PLACES, AND THINGS AWARDS
Worst Thing That’s Happened To Free Speech: The Internet (now
every jerk that can type has a forum to speak his mind)
Most overrated martial artist: Jackie Chan
Magazine with the most massive amount of those little cards that
fall out when you’re trying to read it in the bookstore: Rolling
Stone
TV shyster of the year: Kenny Kingston (Psychic Hotline)
Another self serving book by a (yawn) ex-drug addict:
“Permanent Midnight” by Jerry Stahl
You’re lookin’ yer age, guys: George Harrison, Hugh Hefner
Biggest “health” scam: Ginko-biloba, melatonin
Most exploited new book fad: “Chicken Soup For The
______(fill in blank)
Most disgusting trend found in magazine ads and billboards:
One token Latino, one token Negro, one token Oriental (etc.) per ad
Second most disgusting ad trend: People with bandages on
their noses (c/o Ponds)
The who cares award: What “Gen Xr’s have to say (about
anything)
Ugliest hair (or lack thereof) fad: shaved heads …
especially if the guy (or girl) has stickout ears
Most unctuous female talk show host: Dr Laura Schlessinger
Second most disgusting fashion craze: cigars
People who make my skin crawl for no apparent reason: George
Clooney, Jerry Seinfeld
Why would anyone live in these places?: New York, Los
Angeles, anywhere in Europe
Biggest piece of garbage from Apple: IMAC
Biggest hype of the year: Viagra
Worst pornographic TV network: Fox Television
I don’t understand why guys find these women attractive:
Pamela Anderson, Shannen Doherty
Saddest makeover of a once cool town: Las Vegas
Badly in need of image makeover: Matt Drudge (get a new hat,
son)
Most unctuous defense attorney: (tie) Johnnie Cochran, Leslie
Abramson
Most over-rated (and overpriced) drink: Snapple
HMO where you’re most likely to die from getting the wrong
operation: Kaiser Permanente
Worst newspaper in LA: The LA Times
Most repugnant new fad amongst the youth: Goth, vampirism
Most egotistical people per capita: San Francisco, Paris,
Montecito
Most overrated antidepressant: Prozac
Most noxious radio show host: Rod Lurie
Most corrupt police dept: LAPD
Richest ghost-written author: R.L. Stine
Smelliest people per capita: France, Germany
Most unreadable magazine: Wired
I don’t care what they say … they still make their burgers out
of kangaroo meat: Jack In The Box
Biggest pimp of the year: Larry Flynt
Bigtime shills: Ed McMahon, Ricardo Montalban
Gay Narcissus Of the Year: Andrew Sullivan
Most boring sport in the world: baseball, football
(runner-up)
Isn’t this guy too old for this gig?:(L.A. Times pop music
critic, Robert Hilburn)
Worst artwork on a hit comic strip: South Park
Most unlikely person to the bring about the downfall of a
President: Monica Lewinsky
Aren’t we tired of this show yet?:The Simpsons
Don’t Bother getting your news here: CNN, MSNBC, any network
news station
Bad columnist; bad actor: Ben Stein
FEMINISTS, GAYS, AND OTHER REPROBATE SWINE AWARDS
Homosexual Mafia: Micheael Esiner, Barry Diller, David Geffen
Most sexual deviants per capita working for major entertainment
firm: The Walt Disney Company
Areas in which men are superior to women: spitting, picking
their teeth, scratching their tuchuses, looking stupid
Areas in which women are superior to men: Acting helpless,
spending your money, bending over on purpose, looking incredibly
beautiful, acting dumb, acting smart
TANGIBLE PROOF OF CULTURAL DUMB-DOWN AWARD
Jerry Springer, wrestling, The Spice Girls, comeback of bongo drums,
rap, hip hop, MTV
CYBER-HOOEY AWARDS
Best computers: Macintosh (no contest!)
Worst computers: PC’s
Worst PC clones: Dell
Worst Web Design: all porn sites
Worst operating system: Windows ’98
Dumbest cybermyth: That you can put up a website and start
making a lot of money
PEOPLE WHO SHOULD IMMEDIATELY GET THE DEATH PENALTY
People who smoke in public places, gardeners that use those blower
things, anybody who wears their pants so low that their butt hangs out,
anybody caught speaking “ebonics,” anyone who plays a ghetto blaster
over the volume level of “1,” any woman caught smoking a cigar,
Jonbenet’ Ramsey’s parents, O.J. Simpson, Robert Kardashian, all drug
users, taggers, Holocaust revisionists, Kip Kinkel, and all the other
kids who murdered innocent kids on school campuses across the U.S. (I
don’t care if they’re underage … I say put em on “ol’ Smokey…”)
DEMONIZED
Possibilities for the Anti-Christ: Bill Gates, Michael
Jackson, George Michael, Maddona, Clive Barker, Rupert Murdoch, Dr. Gene
Scott, Hillary Clinton
THE WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THESE GUYS AWARDS?
Dr. Ruth Westheimer, Buddy Myles, Ben Vereen, Lionel Ritchie, Billy
Barty, Guru Maharaj Ji, Freddy Fender, Twiggy, Ed Barbar, Captain
Beefheart
THE I MISS THESE GUYS AWARDS
David Jannsen, Hopalong Cassidy, Zorro, Guy Madison, Joe Karbo, my
dad, Stevie Ray Vaughn
MISCELLANEOUS EFFLUVIA
Oxymorons: youth culture, rap culture
Most unpleasant documentary I’ve watched this year: “Breasts”
Everybody’s Doin’ It Award: taking anti-depressants
The I got bored of it award: Clinton scandal
The try doing this sometime Award: Nothing
Why Do I still watch this TV show?: Married With Children
(Kelly!)
Don’t worry, it’s comin’ Award: O.J. Simpson
Is it my imagination or is this guy shrinking?: Sylvester
Stallone
Needs pie in the face Award: Jan Crouch
I Liked her better with braces Award: Chelsea Clinton
You’re right not to trust these guys Award: cops, the
government
White People Shouldn’t Do It Award: Dance
The it’s over before you know it Award: Your life
The how does this guy stay so skinny Award: Mick Jagger
Most misquoted person in history: Jesus Christ
Most immediate way to see that people are nothing but poor,
unarmed bipeds: seeing them naked
Proof that the Sixties are not dead: Bill and Hillary; Alanis
Morissette, Deadheads
Sid Vicious Award: Sidney Blumenthal
Why do people still buy this rag?: Playboy (Come on! They
still airbrush the photos!)
Who buys these things?: Women’s magazines
Most over-used buzz word: cyber _______(fill in the blank)
Biggest waste of time: working out (you’re just gonna die
anyway, so why bother?)
Congrats, pal … you’re still alive Award: Keith Richards
Why won’t this horrible fad go away?: backwards baseball caps
Why do people do these things Award: mountain climbing, jogging,
bicycling (with helmets yet!), kayaking
Just think … 35 years ago the Top Ten artists included: The
Beach Boys, Johnny Rivers, Gerry and the Pacemakers The 4 Seasons, The
Dave Clark Five (and if you think that sucks … check out the list
today!
Too-hip drugs: Xanax, Prozac, Vicodin
What’s wrong with this guy’s face?: Bill Maher
Waste of time: going to college
Dying brand of journalism: investigative reportage
Things I don’t care about: the Academy Awards, the Grammy
Awards, the Emmy Awards, art museums, sports, videogames, gay rights,
movies about teenagers, your opinion
Things that other people don’t actually care about but often
pretend to for a variety of reasons: The plight of Negroes in
distant lands, the stuff in art galleries, sperm whales, poetry, the
Statue of Liberty, your cousin’s bar mitzvah, your grandmother’s
funeral, starving people, when somebody walking in front of you falls
down for no reason.
Well that’s it, folks. Until next time. Oh yeah, I almost forgot.
Bah … humbug!!