A credo for acquitting senators

This is an inexhaustive list of what a senator ought to believe in
order to vote in good conscience to acquit President Clinton:

1. That the following patently false statements made by Clinton on
two separate occasions to Betty Currie were for the purpose of
refreshing his own memory (keeping in mind that prior to saying them he
told her, “There are several things you may want to know”):

A. “You were always there when she was there, right?”

B. “We were never alone, right?”

C. “Monica came on to me, and I never touched her, right?”

D. “You could see and hear everything?”

2. The words “alone” and “is” are ambiguous.

3. Clinton called Monica at 2:30 am after learning she had been put
on the witness list just to shoot the breeze and in the course of the
conversation he incidentally informed her that: she was on the witness
list, she could file an affidavit and they should stick to their cover
story — and that there was no “linkage” between the three things. That
Monica came up with the term “linkage” on her own and without coaching.

4. Clinton was not directly responsible for orchestrating Jordan’s
frantic job search efforts for Monica and that those efforts had nothing
to do with keeping her on the reservation. That Jordan’s statement to
Clinton, “mission accomplished” was insignificant.

5. Bald-face lies to the American people were impeachable for Nixon
but not Clinton.

6. Clinton told Dick Morris to refrain from unleashing the attack
dogs on Monica because he cared about her rather than because he thought
she still might be protective of him.

7. Consensual sex negates a finding of sexual harassment even when
there is a disparity of power positions in the workplace between the
participants.

8. Monica was acting on her own to file her false affidavit because
she wanted to keep her relationship secret (though she had bragged about
it to at least 11 people).

9. Monica wanted her gifts under Betty Currie’s bed because she liked
having her things at other people’s homes.

10. Clinton didn’t lie to Blumenthal when he told him that Monica was
a stalker and threatened him and that he didn’t intend for him and other
aides to spread that story in the media and to the grand jury.

11. The White House’s talking points memo issued Jan. 24, 1998
stating that the president believes that “oral sex is, of course, a
sexual relationship” can be reconciled with his statement that he
testified with “legal accuracy.”

12. That Starr and the vast right-wing conspiracy worked in concert
to cause Bill Clinton to have multiple sexual encounters, to tamper with
witnesses and hide evidence to conceal the relationship and to commit
multiple perjuries in two separate legal proceedings.

13. That the framers would have approved of allowing a President who
abuses his power by assaulting and undermining the judiciary to remain
in office.

14. That the chief executive is “more equal” under the law than
ordinary citizens.

15. That the president is not technically guilty of grand jury
perjury because one of the following four elements weren’t satisfied: a)
the oath was improperly administered; b) his statements weren’t false;
c) he didn’t intend to lie; d) his statements weren’t material (keeping
in mind that his only motive to lie was to cover up previous felonies).

16. Sens. Moynihan and Byrd were wrong when they virtually admitted
that Clinton’s crimes are impeachable.

17. Clinton’s conduct is indefensible yet warrants the most vigorous
legal defense available to man.

18. The rule of law is a nice sounding bromide that has little
relevance to our individual liberties.

19. Perjury and obstruction of justice “about sex” by the chief law
enforcement officer of the nation are inconsequential matters.

20. The president’s hired guns actually believe even a fraction of
the malarkey they were uttering and that the senators believe it too.

21. Blackstone was having a bad day when he placed perjury alongside
bribery as an offense against public justice, i. e., an offense against
the state.

22. Senate precedent to the effect that perjury and obstruction are
impeachable offenses should be ignored. That presidents should be
subject to a different removal standard from judges though this flies in
the face of all Senate precedent and the text of the Constitution.

23. Monica wasn’t trying to protect Bill Clinton by offering the
minimum amount of incriminating testimony to satisfy her obligations
under her immunity agreement.

24. Clinton wasn’t paying attention to his lawyer, Bob Bennett,
during the Jones deposition despite affidavits of eyewitnesses and video
evidence to the contrary.

25. Clinton was testifying truthfully when he said he was never alone
with Monica.

26. The authors of the Federalist Papers were insincere when they
said, “Talents for low intrigue, and the little arts of popularity, may
alone suffice to elevate a man to the first honors in a single State;
but it will require other talents, and a different kind of merit, to
establish him in the esteem and confidence of the whole Union, or of so
considerable a portion of it as would be necessary to make him a
successful candidate for the distinguished office of President of the
United States. It will not be too strong to say, that there will be a
constant probability of seeing the station filled by characters
pre-eminent for ability and virtue.”

27. Bill Clinton is virtuous and not extremely talented in low
intrigue and that little art of popularity.

28. Clinton was being truthful when he said that he wanted Monica to
be truthful in her affidavit.

29. One can reasonably reconcile the fact that in the majority, if
not all fifty states, convicted felons may not own firearms and may not
vote, yet this felonious president can remain in the highest office to
which U.S. voters can elect him and will retain the ability to launch
weapons of mass destruction.

30. One can reasonably reconcile the fact the majority, if not all,
state bar associations disbar their members for the commission of
felonies and much less, yet they will be allowing a serial felon to
remain as chief law enforcement officer and commander-in-chief of the
nation.

31. The senators aren’t placing their narrow, selfish political
interests above the long term interests of the nation. That they are not
betraying their constitutional duties in so doing.

32. That they aren’t setting a dangerous precedent by raising the bar
of impeachable offenses above multiple felonies.

33. Virtually no misconduct, regardless of how odious, will justify
impeachment or removal if it might appear to give Republicans a political victory.

34. The earth is flat.