CLINTON: If this isn’t contrition, I don’t know what is. I know you
can’t really laugh about this. I mean, the events of the last year have
been quite serious. If the Senate vote had gone the other way, I
wouldn’t be here tonight. I demand a recount.
Look, you know, this is just the beginning of my week with the press.
Tomorrow I’ve got a press conference and then the Gridiron Dinner the
day after that. You’d think I was selling a book.
Now, look, I know it’s been a long time since I had a press
conference, but I remember it well, all those questions that day about
the nomination of Zo’ Baird.
Look, you can probably tell I’m a little nervous, you know, being
around all these reporters tonight. So if you will forgive me, I’d like
to employ a method that’s worked pretty well for me over the last year.
EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen, the prime minister of the United
Republic of Carjackador (ph), Shoreb Arnsvat (ph)!
CLINTON: Your excellency, welcome to the United States. The podium is
yours.
“FOREIGN DIGNITARY”: (SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH)
CLINTON: Well, your Excellency, without my headphones, I have no idea
what you just said, but it sounded very much like words of praise. I
want you to know they mean more to me than I could possibly express!
“FOREIGN DIGNITARY”: (SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH)
CLINTON: I agree with that, as well. Now, your excellency, this is
just a dinner with the press. Tomorrow is the real press conference. I
look forward to seeing you there.
Now, I know that the press corps has been busy preparing questions
for me, so I’ve been working on the answers. Never mind the questions,
here are the answers.
Yes, Helen.
She was first, Sam.
I’ll get to you, Sam. Not yet, though.
The longest peacetime expansion in history.
No, I didn’t watch it.
No, I haven’t read it.
Yes, Wolf, I am doing this press conference because Joe made me do
it.
Your excellency, why don’t you just have a seat right there. Just
listen to the translation, and I’ll ask you to join me again if I need
some cover.
Now, I know there’s been a lot of interest in the future political
career of the first lady. I honestly don’t know what she’ll decide, but
I can tell you this. Yesterday at breakfast, she was complaining that it
is impossible to get a decent bagel in Washington.
You know, by the way, I’m from Arkansas. You know, what is a schmear?
“FOREIGN DIGNITARY”: (SPEAKS IN GIBBERISH)
CLINTON: Cream cheese? Thank you very much. I got it.
Now, you know the vice president’s been busy, too. When I was in
Central America, I turned on my trusty C-Span, and I saw the vice
president talking about how rough it is to travel on airplanes these
days — the delays, the lost baggage, the disgusting meals.
Al, I didn’t know it was that bad on Air Force Two.
I think he’s due for an upgrade.
Aren’t you glad Garrison Keillor’s here?
I welcome you, sir, to Washington, where all the lobbyists are
strong, all the politicians think they’re good-looking and all the
lawyers are above average. I’m glad Governor Ventura let you out of the
headlock, and I hope he lets you go home to Minnesota.
Folks, I was going to make jokes about the House Republicans tonight,
about the managers, but it wouldn’t be fair. They’re not here to defend
themselves. They’re all at the Taliban Correspondents’ Association
dinner.
You know, the House managers were really unhappy with the Senate
verdict. In fact, they’re appealing it to the judges in the
Holyfield-Lewis fight. This is a pretty tough time for the right wing.
The president of the Council of Conservative Citizens had to resign
because of his alleged ties to Bob Barr.
Now, look, as I have often said, politics aside, this is truly a
great moment for America. Since I took office, more than 18 million new
jobs, opportunity abundant. But there are pockets of our economy that
have been hurt by change.
“FOREIGN DIGNITARY”: Ha, ha, ha! Bob Barr! Ha, ha, ha, ha!
CLINTON: He and I liked it better than you did!
Anyway, as I was saying, in spite of all this prosperity, there are
some pockets of our economy that have really been hurt by change. For
example, now that the trial is over, we have a responsibility to do
something about the growing ranks of dislocated pundits.
You know, in this era of technological change, the average worker
will change jobs seven times. And now we know that for a full 50 percent
of them, one of those jobs will be a short stint as a panelist on MSNBC.
My friends, when their time in Washington is up, we simply must help
displaced pundits make the most of the opportunities of the 21st
century. This is a challenge best met at the state level. So I propose a
new relocation grant to move Washington’s pundits out to our 50 states,
the laboratories of democracy, to give them new, fresh, vibrant
opportunities to torment our nation’s governors, from Trenton to
Tallahassee and Albany to Austin.
I also want you to know that I am absolutely firmly committed to
passing the long-overdue Pundits Bill of Rights. You have the right to a
fresh Danish in the Green Room, the right to interrupt others, the right
to shout down Chris Matthews. I think that’s an obligation myself, but
— and never, never should you have to make the painful choice between
the beat you cover and the talk show you love.
Now the cable networks have to fill 24 hours of news programming with
24 minutes worth of actual news. That’s pretty tough. Anyway, here are a
few of the better ideas for new shows. “MSNBC in Crisis,” “Inside the
Politics of Burden of Proof,” “Totally Subpoenaed Videos.” But just for
you tonight, we got our hands on a preview of cable news’ next really
big show. Here it is. Look on the video screen.
(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)
ANNOUNCER: Live from Washington, Pundittubbies (ph), a cross-section
of opinion and insight from the political insiders who have seen it all,
boycotted by the Moral Majority.
The Moral Majority: We’re moral, and we’re the majority.
Here’s the host, Robert Novak.
ROBERT NOVAK: Good evening, and welcome to another edition of
Pundittubbies.
OK, panel, the first issue of the day — Social Security. Don’t you
agree that as Baby Boomers deplete the trust fund, America’s seniors
will become increasingly AARPO’d? Does anybody really believe that
Congress and the president will get together to save
Social Security first?
Laa-Laa?
LAA-LAA: (INAUDIBLE) ta-ta!
NOVAK: Exactly!
Now, Po, you’ve been in this town long enough. If GDP growth
continues on its upward trend, why in the world would Republicans settle
for the president’s so-called “targeted tax
cuts”?
PO: Ba-dee, ba-dee, ba-dee. Na, na, na!
NOVAK: Oh, come on! Are you out of your mind? I hate to tell you
this, but the answer is fiddit, fiddit, fiddit, ren, ren, ren. Am I
wrong, Dipsy?
DIPSY: Perhaps (INAUDIBLE)
NOVAK: Now, let’s try to keep this civil, guys. Or is it gals, or
guys?
Anyway, Mr. Tinky Winky, Jack Kemp dropped the ball on the flat tax
in 1996. Will Steve Forbes pick it up and carry it across the goal line
2000?
TINKY WINKY: Uh-oh!
NOVAK: I’m with you. That’s a nice bag, by the way.
OK, last question. This has been some year. Will Washington put aside
the politics of personal destruction?
I’ll take that as a yes.
We’re out of time. I’m Robert Novak. Join us again next time for
another edition of Pundittubbies.
(END VIDEO CLIP)
CLINTON: I’ll explain it to you later, your excellency.
Well, there has been some real news this week. The DNC announced it
will hold the 2000 Democratic convention in Los Angeles. But what you
may not know is that the Los Angeles planning committee insisted on some
minor changes in the convention format. For example, the Democratic
candidate must start his acceptance speech by thanking the academy and
saying what an honor it is just to be nominated.
In addition to the red-meat rhetoric of usual, there will be a
fabulous vegetarian plate prepared by Wolfgang Puck. Tough questions
will now be handled by stunt doubles. There’ll be a fund-raiser at
Grauman’s Chinese Theater. And basically, even after it’s over, in
Hollywood Oscars will still be bigger than the convention.
Speaking of the Oscars, everybody’s got his or her own pick for best
picture. Now, I liked some in particular, but none of these were
nominated. But there were a lot of pictures about Washington this year,
and I think they deserve a little consideration. There was “Leaving Los
Alamos,” “You’ve Got Subpoenas,” “Throw Mama in the Grand Jury,” one of
my favorites, the prequel to “Star Wars,” “The Robert Fiske Story,” and
“Saving Private Life.”
Now that this speech has gone on long enough, I know we should work
together to bring it to closure, so I want you to let me say something
— just for a moment — serious. There are three journalists here
tonight from Radio Free Asia who sought to cover my trip to China last
year, but had their visas canceled by the Chinese government. I was to
sit for an interview with them before I left and took the opportunity to
say that China had made a serious mistake.
This, of course, is part of a larger problem because around the world
still journalists are barred, harassed, imprisoned, sometimes even
murdered for the crime of seeking and speaking the truth. When leaders
in China or anywhere else do this, it is a cause for dismay. And what
leaders everywhere must realize is that a robust and independent press
actually strengthens a nation. It promotes debate and, in a free
society, given enough time, the people pretty much always get it right.
Together we must continue to state forcefully our belief that free
expression and independent journalism are absolutely essential to
building better societies and protecting the rights of all people. In
the daily push and pull of our jobs and lives, we should never lose
sight of that one goal, which I know every person in this room shares,
not only tonight, but every night.
All in all, this hasn’t been too bad. I’d do it again. In fact, I’m
dumb enough to do it again tomorrow. So I’ll see you tomorrow in the
East Room. Look for me. I’ll be the guy without the red sash.
Thank you and good night.
