It is 7:00 p.m. and a group of people has gathered at a well-appointed
Spanish style house located just off Sunset Blvd. in Hollywood. Fried
chicken, salad and soft drinks are being served. A tall, somehow ageless
man, his fashionably shaved head shining under the beamed ceiling
lights, stands in the middle of the room signing autographs. This is
Cyril Press, author of a best-selling book on alien abduction. Press’
11-year old daughter, Patti — who’s sporting an “Aliens Are Your
Friends” t-shirt — talks excitedly with a group of people about how she
traveled through her bedroom wall and was taken aboard a space craft, as
casually as other girls her age would talk about a new Barbie doll.

The group gathered here on this evening are composed of individuals who
all purportedly share the common bond of having been “abducted” by
aliens. The crowd has gathered here tonight to talk about their
experiences, as well as to hear what Press — who they have come to
regard as a “guru” of sorts — has to say on the subject matter.

After a potluck dinner, Press calls the meeting to order. He launches
into a rambling dialogue in which he relates his most recent experiences
since the release of his book which involve, among other things,
levitation, walking through walls, psychic experiences, the greenhouse
effect, and how his head appeared in a friends bedroom during an astral
journey. The talk is peppered with references to the coming apocalypse,
and other “end-time” scenarios.

“It’s up to us,” Press says to the entranced crowd, “to do something
about this. We have been chosen,” he says, eyes ablaze, “to help the
rest of the human race … whether or not you realize it. This
my friends, is the common bond we all share.”

Much head nodding from the assembled throng.

After he’s done speaking, Press invites people to “share” their
experiences. It doesn’t take long before the discussion has taken on the
air of an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.”

“I was on drugs for 10 years until I had my abduction experience!” a
wide-eyed abductee, who wears the familiar big-eyed alien face on a
medallion around his neck, testifies. “Now I’m drug free!”

The audience bursts into applause.

A man named Jawaharlal — who has an oddly alien look about him — talks
excitedly of his recent abduction and says that he cannot wait for the
his next “trip.” He inquires whether any of the others gathered here
share his feeling that “we’ve all known one another before?”

The head nodding increases in pace. “Yes,” Jawaharlal says, eyes aglow,
“Yes…. yes

Jawharlal has also written a book about his abduction experience, though
he has yet to find a publisher. In fact, it appears that three-quarters
of the people here — obviously impressed by the much-publicized million
dollar advance for Press’ book — are in the process of writing either
books or scripts about their abduction experiences.

The testimonials carry on. A woman wearing pentagram earrings talks
about how she died and came back to life with the help of her alien
“friends.” An elderly man with a bad stutter goes on for nearly a
half-hour about his operation (which took place aboard a spacecraft).
Much to the dismay of the room’s inhabitants, the man goes into very
specific detail — including a highly graphic description of a rectal
probe by the aliens.

The rest of the man’s story, which is almost impossible to follow —
revolves around huge mile-long saucers, mysterious Men In Black,
government cover-ups, and the like.

When the man is finally finished, he is followed by a frizzy haired,
mustachioed fellow with his shirt open to mid-chest, revealing a massive
gold chain with an ankh dangling from its end. The man babbles excitedly
about a book called “The Keys Of Enoch,” that “nobody can buy … but
that is only given to special people.”

The crowed murmurs excitedly. The head nodding speeds up.

Serendipitously, many people in the room have mysteriously “received”
copies of this very book (which happens to be on sale at the Bodhi Tree
— the local New Age book store).

Through it all, Press, now sitting in a chair, his sleepy-eyed daughter
in his lap, listens intently. When the “sharing” session is over, Press
takes the floor again. He’s holding a manila envelope in his hand. From
it, he withdraws a series of sheets which turn out to be brain scans,
which, Press claims, reveal five “mysterious marks” that he says are
“implants” put into his brain by the aliens.

The brain scans are passed around the room. Indeed, there appear to be
“marks” (shiny spots) in the scan. (Just how “mysterious” they are
would, one thinks, have to be ascertained by a doctor.) But the crowd
gathered here tonight regards Press’ every word unquestioningly.

Part of this is due to Press’ celebrity. The rest is due to his
presence. Though he isn’t a particularly physically, “commanding,”
individual, Press definitely has an aura of power about him.

As he brings his speech to a close, Press encourages the room’s
occupants to get together in person, “though if you could possibly get
together non-physically it would be better,” he admonishes (huh?). Press
suggests that the audience would do well to “form relationships” with
the aliens. Then, as the crowd listens intently, Press describes a
method by which to “call” the aliens to visit one’s bedside. (Much of
the technique he describes appears to have been culled from various
teachings on ceremonial magic and witchcraft).

Press advises the enthralled audience that though this may be “a bit
scary” that they should nonetheless persist. “When you first meet them,
sometimes they may appear very frightening,” Press says of the aliens.
But the truth is that they are our friends. They are here to teach us
how to get along in the New World that is coming. Without their wisdom,
the human race will perish,” Press says, almost casually. “There’s
little time left,” he warns. “This is a sink or swim proposition.”

The murmuring has stopped. The room is dead quiet. A master at timing,
Press turns and — without saying a word — exits into the adjacent
dining room.

Afterwards, people gather together to talk of government cover-ups,
holes in the ozone, right wing plots, the millennium, and of course,
UFO’s and aliens. They compare notes about their assorted astral
journeys and share their latest mystical experiences.

Finally, tired of it all, one of the room’s inhabitants (seemingly the
only one who hasn’t undergone an abduction experience) makes an
unobtrusive exit while the conversation pulses around him. As he exits,
he clicks off the mini-tape recorder attached to a tiny pin-hole
microphone. Once outside the house, he takes a much-needed gulp of the
fresh night air. Looking back through the bay window into the well lit
house, the observer notes that Press — who’s got a huge crowd
congregating around him — is still signing autographs.

The prevailing mythology at the alien abductee meeting (which is by
“invitation only”) and the one repeated by most of the “contactees”
(this is what people who’ve had the experience call themselves) is that
the aliens are benevolent beings who’ve come to help humanity (or at
least a selected portion of humanity) in its final hour of need.

However, even the most cursory study of the “abduction phenomenon”
reveals the fact that this “benevolent” image is far from the truth.

According to UFO researcher Jerome Clark, UFO’s and their bug-eyed
occupants have been responsible for burnings, radiation sickness,
venereal diseases, infertility, car crashes, assaults, murders,
paralysis, psychological breakdowns and suicides.

Often, following the abduction experience, the person falls apart
psychologically. They become nervous, distraught, suicidal. There are
frequent cases of insanity (in particular, paranoid schizophrenia) among
contactees. Many UFO victims come down with symptoms of venereal disease
called “cosmic clap.” Women are forcibly raped (or so they say) by the
aliens. Other abductees have suffered the loss of their jobs, their
spouses, and their will to continue living in the all too mundane
everyday world. Some perform bizarre acts. (In one incident, a woman
starved herself to death after a 66-day fast instituted by her “master”
from Venus). Still other abductees have committed murder under orders
from their alien benefactors.

Moreover, rather than being purveyors of truth, the aliens appear to be
pathological liars. According to UFO researcher John Weldon, some of the
bizarre statements attributed to aliens include the erroneous facts that
Saturn’s civilization exists in subtropical paradises; Venus has
forests, streams and suburban areas; the sun is not really hot; and that
the moon is an illusion. In his book, Press, who often refers to the
aliens as “soul destroyers” and “demons” states flatly that, “The beings
that I met were definitely not the wise and good hearted creatures that
films like “Close Encounters” have portrayed. Rather, they were cruel,
calculating, and “one might even say, evil.”

So why is Press telling his audience that the aliens are our friends …
our only hope?

More to the point, if one buys that these things are actually happening
— and even for a dyed-in-the-wool skeptic it’s hard to imagine that
this many people (over 20% of the worlds population now claim to have
undergone the abduction experience) are lying — we must ask ourselves:
why are these beings doing this? To what purpose? Are these acts random,
or do they have some purpose, some system behind them?

John Keel — who was trained in psychological warfare in the army —
maintains that there is, in fact, a method to the alien abduction

“There’s psychological warfare involved in this,” Keel says flatly.
“Diversionary tactics are used by the aliens. For example (after the
abduction experience), whatever you believe in will start happening.
Another oddity: in the ’60s I found that almost all of my contactees
were born on Sept. 6. Now, that means that there’s a control system, and
that means that you can never get to the bottom of this because it’s
always one step ahead of you.”

“What we have here is not an alien invasion, says John Keel. “It is a
spiritual system that acts upon and uses humans. Whoever these
beings are, they have been leading us around by our collective noses for
eons. The fact is, we are biochemical robots helplessly controlled by
forces that can scramble our brains, destroy our memories and use us in
any way they see fit. They have been doing it to us forever.”

“When you view all the (UFO abduction) tales in toto, “Keel sums up, “it
sounds as if someone has been periodically collecting human beings and
inspecting them as we might inspect cattle.”

Jacques Vallee, another well-known UFO researcher, agrees. “I believe
there is a machinery of mass manipulation behind the UFO abduction
phenomenon. The contactees are a part of that machinery. Human beings
are under the control of a strange force that is bending them in absurd
ways, forcing them to play a role in a bizarre game of deception.
Millions of people in every generation throughout history have had their
minds reprogrammed by this supernatural system. There is a pattern
behind this structure, and that pattern is not contact, but rather

Perhaps the most disquieting statement is that made by writer Charles
Fort, who stated in his Book Of The Damned, “Somebody owns this
earth. And we are their property.”

To be continued next week: “Aliens: Angels or Demons?”

They’re Here: The Confidential Report: The above article is
culled from a report generated during a period of over a year, in which
the author spent posing as an “alien abductee” in order to gather
information. For those interested in obtaining the full report, please
click here.

The Great Goldman Hoax Update: I don’t really have all that much
to say about last week’s column except that I’m truly amazed (and
disappointed) in you guys. I thought the WND readership had a bit more
on the ball. I thought you guys were supposed to be hipper and smarter
than the people who are spoon-fed by the “normal” media outlets. I guess
I was wrong. Both my editor and I were bombarded by a veritable barrage
of angry, hateful and even — in some cases — threatening e-mails,
taking us to task for perpetrating this “cruel joke” on the WND
readership. A good number of people threatened to stop donating money to
WND. Others demanded that an immediate apology be issued. Let me ask you
something: Do you really think that this paper, or a man with the
integrity of Joseph Farah, would allow me to have perpetrated a
seven-month-long hoax on his readers?

The only column that was “a hoax” was last week’s column (which stated,
for those who missed it that I didn’t actually exist, but was a
composite character created by a group of pranksters). The column was
intended more as a joke than anything else, though there was indeed an
“experimental” element to it, in that I was interested in seeing the
responses it would generate. Frankly, I’m shocked — and embarrassed —
for you, the WND Readers.

Never in the history of this column have I received such a plethora of
malicious (not to mention stupid) hate mail … which is still arriving
as I write this week’s column. A sampling of these emails will be
reprinted in a forthcoming issue off The Tongue
under the title “Back To The Sandbox,” since
for the most part they sound like they were written by a bunch of whiny,
snot-nosed 12-year-olds. All I can say is, you people ought to be
ashamed of yourselves. (What the hell ever happened to that thing called
“a sense of humor?”). And that’s about all that the comment that your
responses deserve. If you haven’t thus far discerned it, my main purpose
in writing this column (hence its often “mood-swing” like changes) is to
force people to confront their own belief systems). Obviously, you don’t
like doing that. You’d rather whine and rant about what I think. Who
cares what I — or any other columnist — thinks? Frankly, I
couldn’t give a hoot in hell (as should by now be obvious) whether you
“like” me or not. I’m not interested in winning any popularity contests.
But I think there are some of you (you know who you are) who owe Joseph
Farah and WND an apology.

The Tongue Update: Many of you have been asking about The
Tongue membership.

. As of this moment, I want to ask you to please STOP sending checks for
membership to us. Yes, there will be a “Members Only” section of The
(which will require passing “entrance exam” per se) and no,
that section of the site is not yet open. It is, in web lingo, still
under construction. You will appraised when it opens, so hold your pants
on, please! Also, if you happen to go onto The Tongue within the
next several days and find it down, that is because we are switching to
a newer, much faster (and much less “demonized ” server) Finally, for
your edification, The Tongue is not “my” (that is S.L. Goldman’s) home
page per se. I am — at least for the moment — the
editor-in-chief of The Tongue as well as a contributing
columnist, but that does not mean that I “run” the site. It is a joint
— and totally collaborative — effort by a group of muckrakers and
curmudgeons (and others who haven’t forsaken their sense of humor) who
enjoy pushing the envelope, as it were.

I want to thank all of you who’ve written, stating that you enjoy the
site, and also let you know that when over the coming month, we plan to
add a wealth of new material as well as new products (books, tapes,
CD’s) — most of them related to privacy and the obtaining of “off the
records” information. The site will be featuring excerpts from both of
our “best-selling books — The “Super Snoopers” series and the “Poison
Penmanship” series — (for those of you who have written to say how much
you enjoyed “Poison Penmanship Volume I” be sure to check out the
Volume II, “Poison Penmanship: With Malice For All”
). Additionally,
TheTongue will be distributing books by three other publishing houses —
all of which specialize in “off the beaten path” subject matter:
(investigation, government cover-ups, conspiracies, crime, weaponry,
revenge, pranksterism, et al). So please keep checking in at our
storefront in
order to see the great new stuff that’ll be coming into our warehouse
this month.

Super Snoopers Goes Online: Due to the unprecedented demand for

“Secrets Of The super Snoopers”

as well as its two
companion volumes, (“Super Snoopers Guide To the Internet, Volumes 1 and
11, I am happy to announce that we plan to unveil a Super Snoopers
Website ( which we hope to have up and running by
mid-April. The site will be dedicated exclusively to the obtaining of
(so-called) “impossible to get” information. It will feature, among
other things, a 24-hour hotline where you will be able to get immediate
answers to your questions by our staff of investigators. As I’m sure
you’re aware, there are literally dozens upon dozens of places on the
web that purport to offer you access to “hard to locate” information.
Nine-tenths of these sites give you nothing but overpriced access to
what are nothing more than public records. Stuff that anybody can get.

Super Snoopers picks up where all the rest of the so-called “information
broker” books and websites leave off. Our staff is composed of private
investigators and ex law-enforcement personnel whose specialty is
finding “impossible to get” information as well as locating individuals
who have disappeared or are attempting to hide. Rather than charge you
inflated prices for performing this service, the Super Snoopers Website
is about teaching you to how accomplish these things yourselves! There’s
really no great secret to it. You just have a to learn where to search
(as well has have a few tricks — tricks that most PI’s have known for
ages under your belt). Of course, in cases where you simply cannot
obtain the information you are seeking, our investigative branch
will always be here to
service you.


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