Stupid hair

Everybody knows that these are crazy times. Kids are killing each
other, everybody is on drugs, people are talking to aliens, joining
cults … need I go on? Yet to me, one of clearest symptoms that the
world has truly gone insane are the stupid haircuts that people are
wearing. Ordinarily I walk around like most people … pretending to
ignore these horrible hairdos. But inside I’m going, “My God, will you
look at that idiot!”

Do you realize that people today walk around with haircuts that look
like they got their heads caught in a Cuisinart? Women who look like the
bride of Frankenstein are considered chic! Worst of all, people calling
themselves “stylists” are making money because of humanity’s stupidity
(which manifests itself in the need to look “cool”).

Now I happen to have normal hair. By that I mean, approximately one
and a half inches in length, combed in one general direction (back). And
that’s it. End of story. Nothing fancy. Nothing schmancy. Not that I
haven’t had my share of stupid hairdos during my life. In the ’60s I
wore an approximation of the then-famed Bob Dylan Jewish-Afro. I had
forgotten this until the other day when my wife pulled out a photo of me
back in all my glorious hippiedom. My initial reaction was “Good Lord
… how could I ever have walked around looking so stupid?”

But not nearly as stupid as three-fourths of the people today! But
enough with the nostalgia. Let’s get on with the show, in which I will
present — for your enjoyment — what are, in my humble opinion, just a
few of the stupidest haircuts being worn today:

The Box Head: This “do” is worn primarily by people of the
Negro persuasion. It appears to be fading, as of late. If you’re not
familiar with it, the Box Head finds the hair cut entirely off on both
sides … then from the top of the head emerges a virtual “box” of
hair. Why anyone would want to walk around with a box on top of their
head, heaven only knows — but they’re doing it! If anyone wearing a Box
Head who would care to enlighten me, I’d love to hear from you. (If you
want to observe a large number of people with Box Heads, flip your TV to
“Soul Train” on a Saturday morning.)

Short on the top and sides with approximately 14 long, thin
strands hanging down the back of the neck: This awful hairdo seems
to be fading from fashion, and thank God for that — because it is truly
disgusting. My immediate urge when I see somebody wearing it is to sneak
up behind them, take a pair of shears and … whacko! So far, I haven’t
had the nerve to do it. But soon, I think. Very soon. …

One side short, the other side long: This idiotic “do” comes
in a variety of styles; most typically, the long side flops over the
forehead (in an approximation of a ’20s hairdo) while the other side is
chopped up like it was run over by a lawnmower. It is worn primarily by
arty types (people who hang around dank little coffee shops or
after-hours clubs and wear black turtlenecks in an approximation of ’50s
“beat” heroes. The “do” is also favored by high school students and
homosexuals. Personally, I think it looks plain thilly.

The Frizz Head: This ultra-nauseating style is worn by both
men and women. Men with Frizz Heads are usually guys with curly hair
who can’t wear their hair straight, so they just let it explode outward
from the head — thereby creating serious problems for people who sit
behind them in movie theaters. Alas, this “do” is also worn increasingly
by women who pay hairdressers $100-and up a pop to wipe out their hair
and make them look like idiots. Go figure.

The Male Ponytail: Of all the terrible hairdos today, this is
clearly the most repugnant. Back in the ’60s, hippies used to pull their
hair back in ponytails so they could get served in restaurants. Ugly or
no, at least back then, the ponytail had a purpose. But today, guys with
hardly even enough hair to pull back are wearing ponytails — ugly,
stubby, little ponytails. For awhile, a high percentage of male ponytail
wearers were record producers or rock managers. But suddenly, even
normal jerks with day jobs are wearing the damn things. What is even
more sickening are over-40-year-old, gray-haired, or balding ponytail
wearers. I don’t know about the town you live in, but these aging
ponytail guys are in an abundance in Los Angeles. Much as I try to
practice a tolerate-my-fellow human attitude (yeah, right) I
often fantasize of doing extremely cruel things to these mindless dolts.
They make me wanna move to Chino or perhaps even Cleveland.

In addition to the aforementioned hairdos, today, lots of people
simply have Big Hair. It’s as if the bigger your hair is, the more hip
you are. Which is, of course, absurd. But big or small, Box Head or
ponytail, one thing is for sure — our fetish with hair (which has
existed since time immemorial) is here to stay. And as for people
looking stupider today, well, perhaps I’m prejudiced. Maybe all
hairdos are equally stupid. Maybe I’m simply a victim of my own cultural
and historical shortsightedness.

Maybe. … But I’ll tell you — if I have to choose between Elvis
Presley and one of those punked-out, spike-headed freaks, I’ll take
Elvis every time.

GOLDMAN HOO HAH: I am delighted to report that The
Tongue, after having been re-kindled for a
mere six weeks, is already at the top of the Most Popular Website
charts. That’s right, gang! The Tongue is No. 1. (Of course, we rigged
the polls, but that’s to be expected, right?) Which is why, in the
coming weeks, you can expect to see The Tongue being divided into a
Members and Guests section. Yeah, I know it’s cruel, kiddies, but you’re
gonna have to pay to get to all the really cool stuff on the site —
features like PhobiaMan: the man totally crippled by fear and
anxiety; the Snitch
Line; the Muckraker’s
Lounge, and of
course, the most popular feature on the site, my new, unedited,
unexpurgated and uncensored column, “Zero
Tolerance”. Also, be sure
and take advantage of the huge sales on our SuperSpy
bookstore. This
week’s Special Discount Packages include the Poison Penmanship
package, and our
best-seller, the SuperSnoopers Special Discount
package, which
includes “Secrets Of The SuperSnoopers,” plus both SuperSnooper
Internet Guides, Volumes One and
Two.

Now that’s what I call hype!

See all you sheep next week.