Barring a last-minute attempt by President Clinton and her husband to
further usurp the Constitution of the United States, many of us will be
fondly looking forward to their move out of the White House in about
In the generous spirit of speeding them on their way -- and to assist
them in making the most of this wonderful transition -- I thought some
helpful hints were in order.
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- First, to further ensure his posterior is fully covered as he
retreats from public life, someone needs to make sure the zipper on the
presidential trousers is fully engaged in the "up" position. I would
not recommend using White House interns for this task.
- Next, if there is just not enough time to move everything as the
moving date approaches, the Clintons could put back furniture -- or any
other property belonging to the White House -- that they were hoping to
secrete in the moving van. This has the virtue of not only saving time
but additional legal bills.
- Similarly, if finding enough money to move becomes a problem due
to too many legal bills (or the cost of the mortgage on their new palace
in New York) perhaps the Clintons could find it in their hearts to
rehire those unjustly fired travel workers. Out of gratitude, no doubt,
surely these people would be willing to solicit funds to pay for the
- Another handy tip is, upon arriving in New York, Hillary should
lock Bill in his room for the next 30 years -- or at least until Federal
Marshals escort both of them to their new homes with those decorative
bars and cheery orange jump suits. Alternatively, she could consider
purchasing him a chastity belt with triple-strength steel and multiple
padlocks. Bury the keys at least 20 feet underground in another
country. This will help to protect their new-found privacy and keep
both of them from further becoming bizarre national jokes in the pages
of the tabloids.
- Along a different line, if President Clinton still suffers from
feeling our pain after he is out of office, perhaps a relaxing trip to
the front lines of Bosnia would be just the ticket. There, serving with
the troops he sent into that rat hole, he could learn the true
meaning of pain and gain the perspective necessary to ease his troubled
mind. Another possibility here would be for Bill to assist in a few
partial-birth abortions -- with all of the people who have suspiciously
died during his administration, this shouldn't be too difficult to
- And, finally, if our venerable president feels it is unfair that
he no longer has the White House to hide inside of -- uh, I mean rent
out -- I would advise him to consult with all of the young women and
taxpayers that he has violated over the years to see if they have any
insights on dealing with life's little inequities. At the very least, I
think we can count on the unifying message to be found in millions of
middle fingers raised in salute as the Clintons board Air Force One for
the last time.
Bon voyage, Bill and Hill! It has certainly been educational having
you in office -- and even funny -- in a pathetic sort of way. May your new
life bring you everything you both deserve!
Well, those are my ideas. If any of you have any further suggestions
to assist our First Family during this important time in their lives,
e-mail them to me
forthwith. If there are enough printable suggestions, I'll do another column on this topic in the weeks ahead.