Last week, I offered some
packing and moving tips for Bill and Hillary's upcoming departure from the White House. Thanks to all of you for responding with your ideas -- both printable and unprintable. There were so many of you, in fact, that, regrettably, I cannot individually acknowledge each contributor. Also, many of you had the same ideas -- great and twisted minds think alike, I guess! I've incorporated the best of what I received and added some ideas of my own.
As we look to the future, then, there are certain events that could happen -- and some that hopefully will happen. Let's see what may yet lie ahead in the ongoing White House soap opera:
Nov. 3
Bill Clinton begins the tedious process of pulling up the zipper on his trousers so that he can finally get out to help campaign for Al and Hillary.
Nov. 4
Vice President Al Gore, in a clever attempt to look more presidential than Gov. Bush, promises to passionately kiss Tipper every day for the rest of his life, wear sexy red-colored underwear at least once a week and pose naked for a different magazine each year.
Nov. 5
Viewed as blatantly pandering to environmentalist extremists, Al Gore promises to also passionately hug and talk to one tree for every day that he is president. Bill Clinton is later overheard saying it depends on what the meaning of the word "tree" is.
Nov. 6
In a fit of utter desperation, Al Gore claims to be God and takes credit for creating the universe, IBM and Kentucky Fried Chicken. Democrats nationwide begin sobbing uncontrollably for the next three months.
Nov. 7
George W. Bush wins the White House. Mysteriously, however, Hillary is denied a seat in the Senate by the adoring voters of her long-time home state of New York. Al Gore complains bitterly that Naomi Wolf said he was supposed to be the alpha male. Tipper then orders Al to stop whining and to finish sweeping the floor. Heroically, Bill finally pulls his zipper all the way up while he bites his quivering lower lip in a show of solidarity for Al and Hillary.
Dec. 7
Pearl Harbor Day. The Clintons and the Gores get themselves bombed while staffers work furiously around the clock to burn an eight-year accumulation of weed, crack and other party favors. As the smoke continues to fill the White House and descends from White House chimneys, traffic accidents begin happening all over the District of Columbia. In their ongoing cowering spirit of non-partisanship and sucking up -- er, I mean cooperation -- Trent Lott and Dennis Hastert call to offer their assistance and their chimneys.
Jan 19
Bill Clinton, in his last recorded act of presidential authority, puts in an emergency request to the corporate headquarters of McDonald's for a map of all restaurant locations between Washington, D.C., and his new home in New York.
Jan. 20
George W. Bush is sworn in as the 43rd president of the United States. After the ceremonies, the new president and his wife learn that they need to live in a private residence for the next several months while various clean-up personnel attend to a major overhaul of the White House. Meanwhile, TGCIOOTWH (Thank God Clinton Is Out Of The White House) parties erupt all over America. DNC headquarters sponsors a combined pity party and memorial service.
Jan. 21
White House staffers graciously bring the remainder of the Clintons' belongings to the curb on Pennsylvania Avenue as Bill and Hillary finish loading the U-Haul. When they finally pull away, Hillary actually starts knitting while sitting in her rocking chair atop the truck. Bill is overheard singing the Beverly Hillbillies' theme song along with taped banjo music playing loudly in the truck. White House staffers wave solemnly but nowhere is there to be heard a "Y'all come back, ya hear."
Jan. 22
Lincoln bedroom sheets are burned and replaced, 389 pork chop bones are recovered from the private residence, and 12 remaining Arkansas razor-back pigs are captured wandering through the West Wing. Inadvertently, James Carville is accidentally mistaken for one of the wandering pigs and captured while taking a nostalgic final walk on the White House grounds. White House staffers are relieved to learn, however, that their workload will be much lighter since the revolving door to the Lincoln bedroom is being removed. A copy of the U.S. Constitution used to line Socks' old litter box is removed for proper burial. And massive scrubbing efforts begin in the Oval Office.
Jan. 29
After careful inspection, the U.S. Secret Service removes the last of dozens of electronic eavesdropping devices from the White House. White House water is tested for lead in an effort to explain the massive memory loss problems that West Wing staffers have experienced in the last eight years. Several condom dispensers are removed from the West Wing. Scrubbing progresses in the Oval Office.
Feb. 12
All blades on the White House shredding machines have to be re-sharpened due to dullness caused by years of massive overuse. Silverware and china are inventoried and come up short by 24 place settings -- Mrs. Clinton is called but doesn't seem to remember anything about the silverware. She does strangely seem to recall, however, something about china and mutters a cryptic remark about the nice people at the Lippo Group. Scrubbing continues in the Oval Office.
Feb. 19
The presidential library is renovated after the last of the huge piles of Hustler, Penthouse, and Playboy magazines are pulled from the shelves. Leftover condoms and a Barbra Streisand inflatable doll are removed from the presidential bedroom and dropped into a hazardous waste container after workers first put on smocks, facemasks, oxygen tanks and double-layer rubber gloves. Scrubbing continues in the Oval Office.
Feb. 26
The "Made In China" sticker is removed from the Red Phone in the Oval Office. Then, suddenly, the White House is completely evacuated for five days while it is tented and fumigated after it is learned that the roach problem is far too extensive for ordinary pest-control methods. Afterwards, thousands of dead cockroaches and partially used roach clips are found during a comprehensive sweeping effort under furniture, in closets and elsewhere. Historians later record this episode in White House history as Fumi-Gate. Scrubbing resumes in the Oval Office.
April 16
An exorcism is held in the room where Hillary attempted a s?ance to contact Eleanor Roosevelt. As the exorcism progresses, a foul-smelling puddle of ooze materializes, begins to take human form, shrieks loudly with, "Long live the Demoncratic Party!" and then quickly evaporates in a malodorous mist from the room. Scrubbing continues in the Oval Office.
April 30
Scrubbing on the Oval Office is completed. President and Laura Bush move into the White House. The long-anticipated, happy occasion is marred only by the fact that the cigars in the presidential humidor have to be thrown out since nobody is sure if Clinton or his interns have used them or not.
Sep. 18
The tabloids print a story suggesting that Bill Clinton is soon to be starring in a XXX movie entitled, "Presidential Peckerdilloes." It is rumored that he is doing this to pay his mounting legal bills as well as to pay his plastic surgeon for all of those nose jobs he had following each of his press conferences.
January 2002
After realizing the futility of Bill keeping his zipper in the "up" position, Hillary is enraged and finally locks Bill in his room one evening. After throwing away the key, she informs staff workers to make sure Bill has to listen to Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, and Tony Snow each day for the rest of his life. The next day, neighbors hear a shriek from the upstairs bedroom that sounds something like, "Oh Gawd, Hillary -- not thaaat! I'll be good. Ahhh promise!"
August 2003
A federal judge advises Bill and Hillary that the meaning of the word "term" has changed from "eight years in the White House to life imprisonment in the jail house." Bill is overheard muttering a sigh of relief that he no longer has to listen to Hillary and those maddening radio shows any longer.
And life goes on ...
Will any of this happen? Who knows? If the last eight years have shown us anything, it is that there is nothing so low that the current occupants of the White House won't stoop to it. Stay tuned as reality swerves into our lives!