I just about gagged as I began reading all these stories in the press about a new manual for women: “The Surrendered Wife” by one Laura Doyle, who feels she’s discovered the one royal road to marital bliss in our country.
Mrs. Doyle — who, not to be unkind, but judging by her photographs, is something of a bruiser — reveals her character on the first page of her introduction: “At first our marriage was blissful [she married at 22]. Then, I started to see John’s imperfections more glaringly, and I began correcting him. It was my way of helping him to improve.” What ever do you know — John just got irritable and frustrated, as did Laura for that matter. She wound up going to a therapist, and reading John Gray’s piece of pop help, “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.”
Laura’s big awakening came from the realization that all a woman must do to ensure a blissful relationship is yield the ground to hubby. Don’t try to control him. If he is driving in the wrong direction, just let him go ahead even if he takes you both across a state border. He’ll be just so pleased you let him prove to himself how strong and confident he is. You’ll really be improving him and such gratitude you’ll get from hubby dearest. Let the big strong man handle all the finances in the family, and on and on she goes with handy hints.
I can only wonder what in Heaven’s name any half way intelligent male would think on being allowed to drive miles and hours out of his way just to maintain his strong, manly image. No male I know. But maybe I ‘m in the minority — of course, I don’t think so for a minute. It seems that this 285-page manifesto has landed Mrs. Doyle on NBC’s Today show, and her publisher claims it has sold more than 100,000 copies since its publication in early January.
Surrender Circles, so says a story in the New York Times of February 6, have sprung up all across the United States where women are industriously practicing saying, “Whatever you want, dear,” with a straight face. Even more, the woman’s got a website which pushes three seminars with the author for $59 (with the book thrown in). You also can get, via a toll-free number, consultations going for $30 a half hour.
Perhaps it’s fitting at this point to note I began my married life at 22 in Paris, which continued there for some 20-odd years or so, before we returned to the States. What struck me almost from the first was how unbossy Frenchwomen were and how very womanly they were at no sacrifice of their individuality. Nary a one ever appeared mousily submissive. On the contrary, their husbands seemed to genuinely appreciate women with a little character. I happily took them as models and, if I do say so, when I finally returned to my native land I often culled compliments from males on how feminine I seemed and agreeable to talk with.
Let it be said, I have a strong husband whom I mightily esteem, and I think kind of gets a kick out of my being on occasion “bossy.” In any case, it’s been a long and thoroughly enjoyable marriage, which isn’t to say we haven’t been without our differences at times, but never because of any “controlling” factor on either side.
During the years in Europe, I confess I often found my female American compatriots that I encountered on the gratingly bossy side. Alexis de Tocqueville had his say on American women in his epic work “Democracy in America” back in the early years of the 19th century which seem rather apposite even today: “I have been frequently surprised and almost frightened at the singular address and happy boldness with which young women in America contrive to manage their thoughts and their language amid all the difficulties of free conversation.”
In the same chapter, “Education of Young Women in the United States,” Tocqueville [N.B. never use the “de” when using his last name] talks of the role of religion in the education of young women, and goes on: “I am aware that an education of this kind is not without danger; I am sensible that it tends to invigorate the judgment at the expense of the imagination and to make cold and virtuous women instead of affectionate and agreeable companions to man. Society may be more tranquil and better regulated, but domestic life has often fewer charms.” I always knew Tocqueville was remarkably prescient, but this gave me new proof.
My advice: “Soften, yes; surrender, never.”
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