Dear Premier Jiang Zemin,
I’m not sure what precise combination of random neural firings and brain flatulence has led to China’s recent misadventure, but I wanted to take a moment to congratulate you on this fabulous master stroke of sheer idiocy.
In one short week, you have managed to accomplish what thousands of politically conservative people in our country have been unable to do in decades. In particular, I refer to the sleeping giant you are awakening.
As you know, your comrades have invested huge amounts of time and money to convince the American people that Communism and China are our friends and that we have nothing to fear from either. You have lulled us to sleep with your worthless assurances that China is our partner and wants peace.
Your cowboy jet jockey — either by design or incompetence — has precipitated an incident that has begun to frost the shorts of the American people. We don’t take kindly to wannabe superpowers — or anyone else — kidnapping our people and stealing our property. We used to hang people in this country for stealing a mere horse, if that gives you a clue.
So, now, you have irritated the American people, you have shown us an excellent reason to keep our Second Amendment rights intact and you have pushed our president’s face into the ground.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I can only hope that you will keep up your good work in the weeks and months ahead so that more and more Americans will come to realize that the depraved, reprehensible, dangerous, dishonest and corrupt leaders of China are worthy of our contempt and distrust. And, may we become ever more aware of the horrible, murderous things you have done to your own people. With any luck at all, our people will be so offended, they will boycott anything made in China.