Al Gore enters political rehab

Sunday's Washington Post carried the happy news (for Republicans) that Al Gore "plans to take his first steps back into the political arena later this month."

The former vice president begins his political rehabilitation by hosting “a training academy in Nashville, beginning on August 13, for 25 young Democrats.” This “training academy” will not be open to the public (or press), but the Gore folks released some details: "The upcoming training academy will feature a faculty of former Gore advisors, including campaign manager Donna Brazile, strategist Michael Whouley, New Hampshire and Florida coordinator Nick Baldick, and Iowa coordinator Steve Hildebrand, and two former senior staffers from the Democratic National Committee, Jill Alper and Laurie Moskowitz."

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What a stew of jealousy and recriminations that mix must make, each one of those campaign veterans certain that if only Gore had listened to them. Still, their only ticket back to national prominence is the stiff loser in the red tie (would you hire a captain from the Gore 2000 ship?), so it’s seminar time. We can pity the 25 eager beavers in their khakis and button-downs ("Won't this look good on my law school application," they think to themselves), but we can only guess at the courses that will be offered.

Here's my best effort at outlining the course fare at the Gore Fair:

Elections 103(a). The Basics of Debate: To Stalk or not to Stalk? (Mr. Gore): The former vice president revisits the three debates he conducted with then-Gov. Bush. Subjects to be covered will be pointers on avoiding exaggeration in front of 80 million viewers, avoiding repetition of inside-baseball terms that sound silly outside of the Beltway (see the Dangers of Dingel-Norwood, offered on Sunday), and, of course, make-up, sighing and head-tilting pointers.

Elections 103(b). After the Polls Close: The Game after the Game (Mr. Gore): The former vice president wrote the book on not conceding and in this seminar reviews basic and advanced tactics on such thorny issues as revoking a concession phone call, the combination of high-minded rhetoric ("every vote must be counted") with brass-knuckled pragmatism (asking for recounts only in Democratic counties) and staffing (Mr. Daley has been invited but has yet to confirm his availability. Alan Dershowitz is coming, even though we didn't invite him).

Get out the Vote 101(a).The Geography of Fraud (Ms. Brazile): Votes just don't come out of nowhere. You have to go where the unregistered are. As she explains her patented "If it moves, it can vote – sometimes two or three times" approach to voter turnout, Ms. Brazile details the geography of fraud. Students will learn how to hunt for votes in places as diverse as Palm Beach, St. Louis and Milwaukee, as well as clues to the precincts you want to avoid (is a U.S. Attorney's Office nearby, and if so, is it one you have to worry about?). The latest in the tools of the trade, including cigarettes and pardons, will be covered, including the places of greatest applicability (e.g., smokes are unlikely to lure large numbers of Hasidic voters to the polls).

Get out the Vote 101(b). Denying the Franchise to those in Uniform (Sen. Lieberman has not yet accepted our invitation to lead this discussion. Former Secretary of State Warren Christopher may stand in.): Extensive polling has revealed that the active duty military votes overwhelmingly against Democratic presidential candidates. It is important, therefore, to increase the obstacles to their voting in the first place, and then to disqualify their votes if returned from overseas. Media scrutiny of such tactics can be intense, so this course is not open to anyone who has not already completed GOTV 101(a) and a correspondence course on obfuscation offered by either Mark Fabiani or Chris Lehane. (These acknowledged "masters of disaster" are unfortunately unable to attend this weekend's seminar due to ongoing California commitments.)

Media Relations 101(a). Did I say that? Lies, distortion, spin and facts (Mr. Gore and Shiloh, his dog): Misstatements can land a campaign in hot water. Mr. Gore reflects on how he saved the Clinton campaign in 1992 and 1996, counseled against Hillary-care in 1993, engineered Fed policy for eight years while causing the collapse of the Soviet empire, and nevertheless stumbled over which disaster sites he did and did not visit and the cost of arthritis medication for his dog. "It's not fair that the media overlooked my unmatched-in-modern-times record of results and grasp of the future in order to focus on a few, tiny, hardly-significant-at-all misstatements," says the former vice president. "But it's better that such trifles never come up in the first place, thus obscuring my otherwise perfect record of far-seeing and innovative approaches to all the problems of the new millennium." (Note: Students are encourage to read the vice president's book, "Earth in the Balance" before enrolling, except those paragraphs concerning the internal combustion engine. The vice president didn't write those parts and has no idea how they got into the book.)

Media 101(b). Picking Your Spot (Invited but not confirmed: Mr. Russert, Mr. Matthews, Mr. Blitzer, Mr. Brokaw and Mr. Jennings. Mr. Rather has already declined to attend, saying that he's not sure presidential elections are "hard news" worthy of his attention.): Cover the basics of media scheduling: If anyone calls from the Fox News Network requesting an interview, you simply decline because of scheduling conflicts. If Mr. Russert calls, book the candidate and give them the week off – it’s a freebie. If Jonathan Alter calls, postpone until you are in a real jam and use this like a get-out-of-jail card. Avoid Margaret Carlson, too gushy. Avoid Eleanor Clift, she's carrying Hillary's water. These are the sort of things you cannot learn except from campaign veterans who know who's in the bag and who's a real journalist.

Opposition Research 101. Getting the Goods and Using Them Wisely (Ms. Brazile): Remember Bill Bradley? Nobody else does. The reason he's not on anyone's list of possibles for 2004 is the work we did in 1998 and 1999. Getting the dirt on the opposition and using it at the right moment (remember the DUI that almost put us over the top?) is the key to success in the new age of scandal-TV. Students will practice compiling "oppo" using real-world figures such as Sen. Kerry, Sen. Edwards and Gov. Gray Davis (for beginners as this is just too easy). Sen. Lieberman is off-limits, as we got all that when we vetted him in 2000.

Obviously, the course-list could be much longer. The Gore campaign was unique in modern political history in that it lost the presidency even as perceptions of economic good times remained intact. Candidate Gore emerged both as the anti-candidate, constructed by consultants and choreographed right down to "the Kiss," and at the same time, a ruthless insider who was willing to say and do whatever it took to win. The team that Gore assembled made the Plumbers look like The Junior League, and they are pretty much waiting in the wings.

As for those 25 students, all I can hope is that someone gets them to read Dr. Faustus before their weekend with Al. These are the folks that tried to get absentee ballots from active duty military serving overseas disqualified. That tactic alone set this crowd apart from all the other dirty-pool players in American electoral history, and there are other tricks as well, sure to emerge as time rolls on. Are you really sure that this is the crowd with which you wish to run?

Related offer:

Think every vote counts? Think again. Get Jon E. Dougherty's report, "Election 2000: How the military vote was suppressed," in WorldNetDaily's online store.