Government gone fishin'

Congressional recess started last week and President Bush is busy remembering the Alamo for the next month. You can't get much better than that – the two most troublesome (or, at least, hyperactive) branches of government have punched out and gone home.

What does trouble me, though, are the looks I received from friends and neighbors when I broke out the fireworks, noisemakers, bubbly and confetti. Throwing shindigs for graduations, job promotions or just wanting to get drunk is fine, it seems, but holding a house party for departing politicos is apparently in poor taste. What's wrong with people?

What could be better than knowing the most powerful person on Capitol Hill right now is the head janitor?

What more soul-stirring news could grace the ears of Americans than finding out Bush is still stuck in the woods by the water hazard and convening a committee to discuss the merits that a 7 iron might have over a 6?

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A relief for which few words exist is knowing that various congressional confabs are not currently deciding how to save Social Security, finance under-funded this or that, regulate pharmaceutical accounts receivables and monkey-rig campaign finance law so that the only apes with any face time on TV are the same sorry louts we're already stuck staring at every night.

Knowing that the presidential workload has been lightened of most of the tasks and undertakings presidents are so singularly skilled in screwing up brings a sense of calm and peace to my soul that few things other than prayer and comas come close to providing.

Given this wonderful feeling, I'm flummoxed and flabbergasted that my fellow Americans are not cranking up their stereos, opening the beer taps and dancing like wild Indians in jubilation and throaty shouts of "bon voyage" to the outgoing pols. This is no time to act sedate and sober. This is the time to celebrate.

Instead, I read about a USA TODAY/CNN/Gallup Poll, released Monday, that shows 55 percent of respondents think Bush's 30-day outing is too long a break. There must have been an under-reported epidemic of butterfingered parents a generation ago, because I'm getting the hint of a lot of repeatedly-dropped babies growing up to answer telephone pollsters.

Bush isn't even taking a full-fledged break – aides insist he's keeping his thumb in the American pie up to the first knuckle. "The president is enjoying being back home," Dubya spokesman Scott McClellan said Monday. "He plans to work as well as take a little bit of time off."

Bummer.

I was hoping he was taking the whole 30 days for goofing off. Actually, I was hoping he'd take 50 or 60 days, maybe misplace his map back to Washington, run out of gas, blow a tire, lose his keys and get locked out of the White House. And the same goes double for his fellows in the Congress.

Maybe one of the janitors could leave a few faucets running, ruin the carpets and force the shop to close for another month while the place gets fixed up (hint, hint). I don't care. Anything to keep the government of America from doing what it does best – governing.

If Thomas Jefferson's dictum is correct – that the government which governs least, governs best – then the government that loads up its principal actors in the minivan with a cooler full of sandwiches and Coke and heads for the beach on an extended vacation is all right with me. In fact, most any destination is fine, just so long as it's not the office.

Better still, what if government were a hobby and not a full-time profession? Think about how it'd work if Congress were run as a weekend poker game – the House at one table, Senate at another, president off in some corner playing slots or video blackjack. Marvel about how little trouble they would be getting into or causing us.

True, funding for that new federal program would be passed by drawing a straight instead of substantive debate, but what passes for substantive debate in government today is what passes for substantive debate on the 1st-grade playground in most schools – a little name-calling and "My lobby can beat up your lobby." It'd be real tough not hearing that anymore, I can tell you.

Americans should stop grousing about politicians packing it up and heading home for a break. Don't envy the extra time off. Instead, learn to count your blessings: Every politician not behind his desk in Washington is a politician not fouling up your life.

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