“One chick, two chick, red chick, blue chick. …”
No that’s not how Bill Clinton’s new tome, for which he’s being paid $10 million, will read.
Too bad, because that’s the only interesting thing the former president could write about to sell enough copies of his book – that or the real story behind any of the other myriad of Clinton scandals that you won’t read about in his tell-nothing.
His publisher, Alfred A. Knopf, Inc., is basically throwing money down a black hole. While it’s hard to know who is writing the real presidential memoir, the real president (Senatrix Hillary) or her husband, William Jefferson Clinton, only a truly frank book by Mr. Clinton – “Behind the Music: Bill Clinton’s Rock Star Life” – would be worth the money.
And it would definitely be entertaining. With all the action, adventure and mystery of the multiple mysterious deaths and murders of Clinton associates, plus all the salaciousness of the Playboy Channel with his multiple paramours, Americans would flock to Barnes and Noble in droves. The intrigue of getting together with girlfriends and hiding it from the missus, and the excitement of hiding foreign, illegal campaign funds from friends like the Riadys – that’s the real story of the Clinton years.
If he had the guts to write the real story of his presidency (he doesn’t), Mr. Clinton could borrow the title from a Britney Spears hit – “Oops, I Did it Again” – or an Adam Ant tune – “Desperate But not Serious.”
And he wouldn’t have to focus solely on the Clinton Presidential Harem. He could address his failed foreign policy, especially in the Middle East. A chapter title could be, “My Piece in the Middle East: How Yasser Waited While Girlfriend Did Her Own Negotiations Under the Desk.”
Or a chapter on his business dealings: “Whitewater Business Secrets: Come to My Get-Rich-Quick Seminar.” (This could lead to a whole new career as a latenight infomercial hawker.) Or a chapter detailing his strained relationship with Vice President Al Gore: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell: How I Sold Weird Al’s Presidential Hopes Down the River with that Woman, Miss Lewinsky.”
On second thought, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” could be the heading for his chapter on the Clinton marriage. Or an account of his way with Juanita Broaddrick.
I’d love to read about his scandal-ridden Justice Department, its Waco and Elian Gonzalez misdeeds, and its lack of investigation into any law-breaking by his administration. The mishaps could fill a whole chapter, “Stand by Your Man: Why I Stuck with Janet Reno.” Or he could include Ms. Reno – along with State Department failure Madeleine Albright and condoms-in-the-schools pushing HHS Secretary Donna Shalala – in an all-encompassing chapter, “All the President’s Men – er, Women (I Think).”
It’d be fascinating to get the confidential, illegally obtained FBI dirt on over 900 patriotic Republicans, in “The X-Files.” Or is that a chapter in the Hillary book? I’m not sure, since no one’s sure yet who hired bouncer-turned-White-House-official Craig Livingstone,
the guy who helped the Clintons improperly and illegally obtain this information. Speaking of Hillary, Clinton could also write a chapter on travel advice, “Hatchet Man in a Pink Sweater: How to Help Your Wife Fire Travel Agents and Bankrupt Them in Court Battles.”
Or how about his EPA’s constant repressive regulations on the auto industry while he rode around in his gas-guzzling presidential limo, in “Dude Where’s My Car?” Emotional and beauty tips could fill a chapter, too: “Bite Your Lip, Feel Their Pain.”
But since even Bill Clinton can’t and won’t have the guts to tell us the real story – uncut – of his life, the book will be boring. I’m sure we’ll hear the same old song and dance about how he “came from a town called Hope.” Ho-hum. How he single-handedly created the great economy based on the technology boom and the Internet craze. It’s certain he won’t be bragging about his excruciating tax increases and bloated, wasteful budget, which
certainly couldn’t have been the cause of any economic boom.
It begs the question: What interesting information can he possibly tell to make anyone want to buy the book? That his campaign for the presidency took off when he was the real star of Super Bowl Sunday? I can see it now: “Nobody can really remember who was in the Super Bowl that year, but they all remember me. I was the star of the most-watched halftime show ever – the only one anyone ever paid attention to. My wife, Hillary, even did her own best impression of Tammy Wynette. It was so cool. And that was the beginning of my eight-year amusement park life – partying with my Hollywood buddies like Streisand
while Hillary was away. Wink, wink.”
There’s nothing new Bill could really tell us – unless American book consumers would like to read about Bill Clinton’s next career, his latest aspirations. Since press reports indicate he’s losing out on a lot of speaking engagements and he’s been refused membership at a lot of country clubs and golf courses, here’s an idea: “My New Life as a Judge … in the Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Contest.”
To paraphrase comedian Chris Rock, Clinton’s last chapter should talk about his new life in Harlem: “From Cigars to Soulfood: How I Went From Monica to Monique-a.”
Since no one’s really interested in being reminded of his failed policies, stuff like that is the only thing to keep “Bill’s Story” from hitting the remainder shelves faster than “Monica’s Story” did.
Related offer:
“Sellout: The Inside Story of President Clinton’s Impeachment”: Find out what really happened with the Clinton Impeachment by the man Congress hired to prosecute the president, David Schippers.
