Let’s negotiate (a parody)

The attacks on the World Trade Center and Pentagon this week should illustrate to all Americans that it is time to break the cycle of violence between the U.S. and its disfranchised enemies in the world.

Here’s my peace plan:

• All lands West of the Mississippi should be designated as territories whose ultimate ownership is on the table for Final Status negotiations. As such, no further homes should be built in these territories, unless those homes are built by Arabs or people of the Muslim faith;

• If Osama bin Laden will agree to come to the peace table, the U.S. should immediately and unequivocally, as a gesture of goodwill, grant him title deed to the state of Arizona;

• If the Afghan Taliban regime will agree to peace talks, the U.S. should grant it title deed to the state of Texas;

• We should turn over all U.S. oil fields to Saudi Arabia and Iraq to administer;

• Iran should get Colorado;

• Any other groups sharing responsibility for the hijackings and death toll this week will be granted limited autonomy in other former U.S. states with the idea of moving toward independent nation status;

• There must be no retaliation for the attacks this week or any future attacks;

• There must be no attempts to assassinate individuals responsible for those attacks;

• The U.S. must apologize for past crimes against the indigenous peoples of the Middle East;

• Reparations should be made to the indigenous peoples of the Middle East;

• All U.S. aid and support to Israel should be ended immediately;

• The United Nations should establish a buffer zone between the new autonomous territories and the remaining territories of the U.S.;

This may seem to some like a radical prescription for peace. But it is totally in line with what U.S. leaders – including former Secretary of State James Baker, former President Bill Clinton and current Secretary of State Colin Powell – have been preaching for the last 13 years.

In the face of terrorist attacks, restraint must be shown. Violence only provokes more violence. It’s an endless cycle.

It would be inappropriate and hypocritical for the U.S. to hold others to a standard Washington itself refuses to abide by.

Now Americans have witnessed the senseless destruction first hand. Let this be a wakeup call. There is no point in retaliation. It only serves to escalate the violence. Peace must be the highest objective.

After all, how can anyone top the terrorists this time? Why only a nuclear attack could possibly be more dramatic than the destruction of the World Trade Center and an attack on the Pentagon. And everyone knows that is unthinkable.

As Osama bin Laden said himself, if he is “taken out,” 1,000 new Osama bin Ladens will take his place. And America doesn’t have enough states to accommodate 1,000 new Osama bin Ladens as governors.

There is only one way to deal with terrorism – appease it. This is a policy that has worked admirably for the last 13 years. There is no reason to change course now.

It’s a shame that 30,000 Americans had to die for us to realize the futility of imposing our will on the world. But better we should learn the lesson now – before it’s too late.

Let’s avoid the next Black Tuesday. Let’s not have any more Days of Infamy in the U.S. or anywhere else. Let’s move forward with the peace process at all costs.

Negotiate. Talk. Bargain. Make concessions. Land for peace. Let these be our watchwords for the future.

I would suggest a special U.S. interests team be established to begin talks immediately. The team should be comprised of James Baker, Madeleine Albright, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Colin Powell. Powell must, however, be cautioned to turn down his harsh rhetoric of recent days. He has not been taking his own advice and has been counseling retaliation for the terrorist attacks. This is incomprehensible in light of his sound advice over the last year to Israel.

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