Feeling safe

On his second trip to New York since the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, President Bush this week encouraged first-graders at P.S. 130 to take any questions they had about what they've seen or heard to their parents and teachers.

Not that there are any easy answers. Some adults who, a few weeks ago, couldn't find the words to explain to children why our country had been attacked are now struggling to explain why we are preparing to fight back.

The first task was difficult – the second should not be.

Child psychologists and mental-health experts warn parents that, in addition to natural fears about death and dying, their children may hit them with more challenging questions about right and wrong. And these experts think that in this context, what adults have long told children about how best to resolve conflicts may now come back to haunt them. Take bullying, for example. Many parents and teachers instruct children confronted by bullies to appeal to authority figures, that violence is no answer. There could be trouble ahead, these experts caution, when our littlest citizens start asking why so many Americans feel it so necessary to respond to a devastating blow with an even more devastating one.

That we do. Despite misguided protests urging the United States to give peace a chance, a solid 89 percent of the American public demands military retaliation for the terrorist attacks that claimed more than 6,000 lives.

With so many adults thirsting for vengeance – or, if you prefer, justice – it may be confusing for children who have been taught, in the sacred code of the playground, that two wrongs don't make a right and that "payback" doesn't pay.

The experts insist that children, and especially young children, are natural-born pacifists. While toddlers and preschoolers may strike out in a tantrum as a means of expressing themselves, they don't commonly do it to hurt someone else, or to "get even" for a wrong done to them. The act of plotting revenge is a behavior that people acquire with age.

And, once the military strikes begin, the prospect of children seeing on television Vietnam War-like footage depicting the loss of civilian life will likely prompt more questions. Kids usually try to cope by putting such images in a context they understand, like good guys vs. bad guys.

As someone who, 30 years ago, had similar images interrupt the afternoon cartoon hour, I've been there. And as a former teacher, I understand the importance of instilling the right lessons in children.

Still, I recognize the possibility that some of the people telling us all this are using children as a proxy to work through their own ambivalence about war.

The experts are right about one thing: There will be questions. In fact, television networks that specialize in children's programming and the children's book-publishing industry already are gearing up with programs, books, magazines and other materials to help parents and teachers answer them.

We can do better than falling back on: "Do as we say, not as we do."

We can start by explaining that there are good and bad people in the world, and that while there are rules and codes of behavior, not everyone adheres to them. We can explain that those who don't, and in the process hurt innocent people, have to be punished so that they don't break the rules again and hurt more people. We can also emphasize that we expect to be safe in our own neighborhoods and homes – when someone violates the sanctity of our environment, they must be repelled so that we and our loved ones can continue to feel safe.

And we can explain that, while turning the other cheek is an admirable goal for which to strive, the best and only way to deal with really bad people is to stand up to them and fight back. Appeasement doesn't work, and evil cannot triumph.

Those who find it difficult to explain to children why we Americans now have to fight to defend our freedom should bear in mind that it could be worse. This is easy. After all, what will we tell them if we lose?