When the U.S. began bombing the Taliban in Afghanistan, a good deal of hand-wringing broke out among the political left. In concert with hardcore pacifists, this “hate America first” crowd is convinced that we’ve somehow deeply offended Mr. bin Laden and the Taliban, which has caused their murderous rampage in New York and Washington, D.C.
Most commentators have dismissed this idea out of hand. Yet as early as 1996, Mr. bin Laden issued a fatwa, making it clear that certain activities in America were deeply offensive to Muslim religious sensitivities. So, I wonder: Is the left’s first-hand knowledge of these activities what accounts for their seared consciences? If so, then in the spirit of healing, I offer this modest proposal for absolution.
In his fatwas, Mr. bin Laden has made no secret of why, “Hey, Ho, Western Civ’ has got to go!” He cites abortion, homosexuality, feminism, and our degenerate entertainment industry. Which means the left has an unprecedented opportunity to stop the war, restore world peace and unite mankind.
Feminism and abortion can be considered together – one can’t be a feminist these days and not support abortion. So feminists have a double duty to their country. All they need do is renounce abortion and agree to a mass conversion ceremony – during which they will submit to Islam. Imagine the effect on the Taliban! New York’s most dedicated feminists in Carnegie Hall, pledging never again to advocate an abortion, donning the veil of Islam and submitting quietly to their husbands! Surely the Taliban would take notice and stop hating us if this were to happen?
Homosexuality is another practice that Mr. bin Laden and the Taliban find utterly despicable. So religiously offended are they by homosexual practices that, in Afghanistan, their solution is to throw homosexuals from the tops of tall buildings. Now this is America, and no one would suggest that anyone throw homosexuals from the tops of tall buildings. Still, in all, America is a free country. And the concept of duty and honor has been ingrained into us from birth. Should homosexuals want to voluntarily lessen the Taliban’s hatred of America, especially in right-to-die states like Oregon, insomuch as tall buildings exist there, they have every right to throw themselves from those buildings in an effort to show the Taliban how misplaced is their hatred of America. How could either America or the Taliban fail to be moved by such a performance?
That leaves Hollywood. As Mr. bin Laden and the Taliban have made clear – our entertainment industry is degenerate. Lust and violence, the lowest common denominators, are today the heights to which Hollywood aspires. At the heart of this degeneracy is a phony spirituality, which Taliban purists have sensed. Yet because our entertainment industry has sunk to such levels – therein lies our hope! Could the Taliban not applaud a mass conversion of Hollywood moguls and superstars? How could Mr. bin Laden or the Taliban still hate us after Barbra Streisand and Richard Gere renounce the films that made them millions, give their money to charity, convert to Islam and travel to Pakistan to a Taliban training academy?
All major religions preach forgiveness for the truly repentant. Islam is no different. The left, which has been a liability to America for so long, and against which conservatives have railed so vehemently, is suddenly positioned to save our nation! And in one of history’s great ironies, the left will save America not by converting it to their “-ism du jour,” but – as with all great movements – by changing within, embracing self-sacrifice and practicing piety.
So to the left in America, I say, “Thank you!” Thank you for being so conspicuous in your degeneracy for so long! Thank you for representing everything the Taliban and Mr. bin Laden hate in America! Thank you for being who you are! Now step forward, wrap yourself in the mantle of peacemaker, renounce what you’ve championed in life, submit to Islam and save our nation! It is you they hate, not ordinary Americans. Every moment you delay means more innocent Americans and Afghans will die. Take courage from the stirring words of one of America’s greatest liberals: “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.” Thank you.
