Admiring Ann Coulter

There’s a lot to like about Ann, WorldNetDaily’s new columnist. Not only is she hot, slender and blonde, but she is possessed of wisdom and a wit sharper than a micro-surgeon’s laser. She is always must-see TV, as there are few sit-coms to rival the good humor of seeing Ann verbally dissect some poor liberal sap who can’t believe that this particular woman has dared to disdain the Talibanesque purdah of the infantile Gerberism that passes for feminist thought these days.

In fact, my admiration for Ann is such that she is one of two celebrities, (the other being David Spade), with whom I am forbidden to meet. Not because my wife is lacking in the hot, slender and blonde departments, but because, as she freely admits, she is weak on constitutional law. And, come to think of it, my love’s lack of slashingly acidic wit isn’t such a bad thing when I’ve forgotten to take out the trash for the third time that week.

But oh, that poise, and that elegant, swan-like neck. And that rat-tat-tat of irrefutable logic, suppressing the idiotic assertions of Democrats and the unsupportable protestations of left-wingers like a 50-caliber machine gun working over a poorly sandbagged hillside bunker. Those exquisite insults, at times slipped in almost imperceptibly like a Venetian assassin administering a silent coup de grace with a glass stiletto, at others delivered with the sledgehammer cruelty of a ninth-inning Yankee bat.

Where Ann is at her finest, where her thinking is most fundamentally sound, though, is on the question of the American liberal. She despises this odd creature, whose very appellation is a falsehood, who like the bastard offspring of Frankenstein’s monster and a rabid cocker spaniel attempts to bite not only the hand of the very concepts that feed it, but those that gave it life in the first place. Has there ever been a creation so perverse in all the history of man? To the question, are they evil or are they stupid, we can only answer: Yes!

So, Ann, I beg of you: Don’t let your publisher steal from us the precious pearls of your outrageous scorn. Six hundred fifteen pages of obloquy and derision heaped on that most deserving of beasts – oh, that there were a thousand!

How eagerly I await this masterly tome, sure to be a classic in the line of Gibbon’s “Decline and Fall,” or at least P.J. O’Rourke’s “All the Trouble in the World.” Ann is not so much a treasure as a precious American resource, more graceful than the Golden Gate Bridge and more necessary than the New York Times, the Washington Post and ABCBS/NBCNN combined. Dulce et decorum est, how fitting and proper it is, that the finest conservative American columnist has finally made her stately way to WorldNetDaily.