All the ingredients for a perfect, non-violent solution to the Taliban problem are on the table. We need to gather them up, put them in a bowl, stir vigorously and let it bake.
Ingredients:
- Afghanistan – a large stretch of undeveloped land, occupied largely by indigenous people.
- Environmental organizations – thousands of organizations working to preserve land and resources.
- Wealthy foundations –provide billions of dollars to environmental organizations.
- U.S. Government –provides supplemental funding to environmental organizations which work to buy, or otherwise “preserve” land.
- United Nations – extracts millions of dollars from the U.S., and others, to promote its “Man and the Biosphere” program.
Solution: Designate Afghanistan as a U.N. Biosphere Reserve.
Seriously. The United Nations has used all manner of intrigue and untold billions of dollars to create nearly 400 Biosphere Reserves around the world – 47 of which are in the United States. Surely, it could simply “declare” Afghanistan to be a Biosphere Reserve.
All the money now funneled into thousands of environmental organizations would be more than enough to buy the entire country of Afghanistan. I’m told that there are some fantastic real estate buys in the suburbs of most all the major cities. And in the cities, there is also a rapidly growing list of handy-man specials for those environmental activists who will want to be there to oversee the re-construction of sustainable communities.
The Taliban are likely to be willing sellers … the U.S. government has become expert at making willing sellers out of people who previously were perfectly content to live in peace on their own land.
The Taliban, however, have lost their revenue from the dope trade, and governments around the world are locking up bank accounts and other revenue sources, so it stands to reason that they would be eager to consider offers of U.S. dollars for almost any reason.
Congressman Don Young, the architect behind CARA, the Conservation and Reinvestment Act (or the Confiscation and Relocation Act, if you are not a willing seller), should be appointed head-honcho to oversee the acquisition of land. The Nature Conservancy could easily, with its billion-dollar assets, and years of experience in land acquisition, handle all the detailed paper work involved in dispossessing the locals.
If necessary, the EPA and HUD could assign overseers to ensure that the World Wildlife Fund and other selected, U.N.-accredited NGOs herd the dispossessed into the new sustainable communities, and assign them living accommodations in public-private partnership housing units. Of course, the U.N. Commission on Sustainable Development would have to coordinate the whole thing.
Those who lust after global governance could build their utopia in Afghanistan. Funds for the new light-rail transportation systems and the wind-energy farms, could be readily available by canceling about half of the U.N. world conferences and other useless meetings scheduled for the next year or two.
The non-governmental organizations could set up their stakeholder councils all over the place, and select representatives from each to serve on the Bioregional Council, which, with its U.N. accreditation, could represent the civil society of the Afghan Biosphere Reserve in the Peoples’ Assembly of the United Nations.
A few conditions should be imposed, however. Congress should insist in law, that no more U.S. tax dollars can be used to fund environmental groups to buy land in the United States. The federal government can buy no more land that is not explicitly authorized by Article I, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution.
Environmental organizations that get grants from the U.S. government, would have to use that money to send their employees to Afghanistan to help build the sustainable communities and “protect” the Biosphere Reserve.
To completely solve the problem of the Taliban, and prevent future uprisings, Osama bin Laden should be held up as the universal example of leadership. When he is captured, he should not be killed – this would make him a martyr. Nor should he be imprisoned for life – this would make his release the ransom price of constant kidnapping around the world.
Instead, Osama bin Laden should be granted a free sex-change operation and forced to live as a woman in the Taliban chief’s harem.
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Tucker Carlson