As we enter into the Christmas season with the perspective of Sept. 11, even President George W. Bush's political enemies have exhibited uncharacteristic joy this season that Al Gore was not elected. Have you ever wondered why? Perhaps these reports from a "parallel universe" will aid your understanding:
Sept. 11 – President Al Gore today addressed the nation following the freedom fighters' attacks on the U.S. World Trade Center towers and the Pentagon that killed thousands of American citizens. The president said he was "sorry that so many people from other cultures felt such animosity and distrust toward the United States" that they felt this was the only way to, "enter into a dialogue with us about our actions in the rest of the world."
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The president, looking tired and drawn, told the nation, "I've prayed about this, and I don't believe that we are to respond with violence. Besides," he said, "no one has claimed responsibility and we don't know who the perpetrators are." The president went on to encourage those responsible to identify themselves so that the United States could "enter into a dialogue" with them about America's role in the world." Israel, Britain and Germany condemned the attacks, while France and Canada termed them "regrettable," but cautioned against a military response. China extended its sympathy to the victims, but said the U.S. "had it coming."
Sept. 18 – Attorney General Janet Reno, who only this summer agreed to stay on as the top law enforcement officer in the new Gore administration, promised that "we will find these individuals and bring them to justice." She also announced that the FBI would be prohibited from using racial profiling during its investigation. "Even though Arab men who violated our immigration laws appear to have been involved, anyone could have done this," said the attorney general. "We need to investigate everyone."
Sept. 25 – John "Condom" Smith, head of the AIDS group Act Out and President Gore's new choice to head the Centers for Disease Control announced that an investigation into anthrax spores found in several letters was under way after infections at a Florida newspaper. OSHA stepped up enforcement efforts against the newspaper for safety violations that they said led to the infections, and a prominent trial lawyer announced a lawsuit against the company for creating a hostile work environment. "If you have to give employees notice before laying them off, certainly you have to give them notice before infecting them with anthrax," said the attorney.
Oct. 1 – President Gore announced the collapse of talks with several unnamed liberation organizations after Los Angeles International Airport was destroyed by what the president described as a "rather primitive" nuclear blast. It was unclear if the device was delivered via an incoming international flight. Surrounding areas are being evacuated. And in Portland, Ore., officials said that state law prohibited them from identifying or quarantining three suspected smallpox victims, "although we do hope people will not be in direct proximity to them while they're still infectious," said Dr. Ima Hemlock, head of the state's recently combined Suicide and Medicaid Office.
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Oct. 5 – President Gore announced today that the United States was severing diplomatic ties with Israel. "It is a difficult decision to turn our backs on our friends," said the president. "But recent events have made clear that world peace and the greater good sometimes require difficult choices and sacrifice." Separately, China announced that Taiwan was now annexed to the mainland and its citizens in the process of being "repatriated." Russia announced that it was resuming its former borders under the old Soviet Union, with the exception of East Germany, "which never worked for us anyway," said a Kremlin spokesman.
Oct. 7 – A group of heavily armed freedom fighters today seized The Hague in the Netherlands, executed European diplomats, and announced that United States citizens would be tried "in absentia" in the World Court for crimes against humanity. President Gore acknowledged that "mistakes had been made," but said that he hoped his punishment as "a lawfully elected official" wouldn't be too severe, citing his record on the environment. Former President Clinton and the nation's foremost law-school luminaries stood shoulder-to-shoulder on the U.S. Supreme Court steps and pledged to work with what they called "The Hague's new administration, to insure that justice is done."
Oct. 8 – Defense Secretary Hillary Clinton pledged "never to use U.S. military forces in anger or hostility," promising instead to obey "all lawful orders from international bodies, even those whose goals or methods we might disagree with." Mrs. Clinton reminded a WorldNetDaily reporter that "sometimes the process is more important than the actual outcome."