2002 Predictions:
Past, imperfect; Future, tense?

Who needs Nostradamus?

If I had one, I’d consult my crystal ball. Instead, I polled a cross-section of concerned citizens, dedicated readers all, who cheerfully contributed their less dire visions and versions of the future as we may know it in the coming year.

I took my lead from Chicago caricature artist “Marlene Kartunist,” my occasional collaborator. With tongue firmly planted in cheek, she usually prepares an array of annual predictions that seem to ‘hit’ her the way her zany caricatures do, by using reality as a jumping-off point and then zigzagging from there. “This exercise,” she says gamely, “certainly does stimulate the gag reflex, er, the gag-writing reflex, I mean.”

Let’s leap forward!

Marlene Kartunist’s list:

• Groups of people will form new towns or villages in the Midwest as survivalist mentality returns. Gas masks will be featured in major runway fashion shows and khaki and hazmat suits will be hot with teenagers. Accessories sold separately. Watch for “Survivalist Barbie” and “Ground Zero” Joe dolls. There will be a “Fireman” and “Policeman Ken”, and fireplugs will be painted red, white and blue as patriotic colors will also be all the rage. July 4th will be really, really big – like Christmas in summer.

• Dick Cheney sightings will erupt much like Elvis sightings, and Jay Leno will have a field day with this.

• Scientists discover that worm holes in outer space are a great place to use for a landfill and will begin building large intergalactic garbage scows. (The other side of this story is that trash falling from the sky will appear in the news in April of 2348.)

• Research confirms bodily gasses are a cheap source of fuel and energy and could be harnessed for industry. The rights will be bought out by Taco Bell.

• Inevitably, some rock star will die of a drug overdose, a woman will murder her children and try to claim she had terrorists brainwash her, the ice caps will be disappearing and photos will be taken of plant life starting to flourish in the far north, a tropical butterfly will be spotted in Chicago, southern fish will be spotted up north in Minnesota, the northern lights will again be seen in Midwestern skies further south than decades ago, a tropical storm of great magnitude will hit the Southeastern U.S., there will be an earthquake in the Middle East and into Asia which will get the doomsday people talking about Allah’s wrath.

“Captain Trash,” gonzo Los Angeles motorcycle journalist/pilot:

• Gary Condit will leave politics and become a private investigator.

• Paula Poundstone will apply for work as a school bus driver.

• Jack Kevorkian will switch to dentistry in prison and lose a few patients in their chair sleep.

• Burt Parks will still be dead but will be very upset at New Jersey’s chintziness.

• Dubya’s daughters will become MiIler beer girls.

• Dick Cheney’s wife will continue hiding his Viagra, sent as a bipartisan gift from Bob Dole.

• Breast implants loaded with C-4 will be used as plastic explosives by terrorist’s wives, but they will leak and not work, and they, of course, will cause no harm to the owner.

• Star of the bio-pic “Ali,” Will Smith’s Selective Service status will be oh-so-closely reviewed.

• Enron officials will be lining up for dates at Thailand bars where extra cash goes several generations.

Savvy Philadelphia poet/political activist/bookseller C.A. Conrad, whose latest book is “The Leo Chronicles”:

• Juice Newton – remember her? – will give birth to twin hermaphrodites, and will name them Fig and Wayne.

• Karma will finally turn its wheel on Donald Duck for still not wearing pants on international television for decades.

• Michael Jackson will announce that he wants to be buried in a life-size snow globe shaker.

• Science will create a sensational new flavor of toothpaste – pizza with anchovies.

• Love finally prevails as soap operas will finally pick back up on daytime television.

Syndicated Moon Signs seeress Sally Cragin of Massachusetts, who accurately called the last Prez Election:

“Bush’s popularity will continue to soar – from February through summer, but especially after summer. May-June is when he’ll have his real showdown or when some big ol’ scandal finally erupts viz. his Texas oilboy compadres. For the most part, the astrology looks really good for him then, and it’ll be when the right wing fully embraces him.”

And, from “TajMahalCat,” the sharp-clawed Philadelphia animal therapist, perhaps the most trenchant observation of all:

“I see the world as a litter box, metaphorically speaking! And you know what will happen if someone doesn’t clean it up soon! Same mess, different month.”