Supersized idiocy

By Doug Powers

By now we’ve all heard of a litigious burger-bag named Caesar Barber who has filed a lawsuit against four fast-food restaurants. Barber claims that those restaurants served him food that has made his belt size increase to a degree that now the only thing that’s buckling are the floor boards. Personal responsibility takes yet another holiday, and this time, it’s retired to Barbados for good.

Caesar Barber, who is either named after the man who gave a famous dictator named Julius a consistently hideous haircut, or, ironically, a salad, filed a Big & Tall suit in a New York State Supreme Court on behalf of an unspecified number of other french-fry disposers. In other words, Barber was probably the only one of the bunch who didn’t feel stupid admitting that he was in on the attempted shakedown in the making.

No problem explaining that in court though, just chalk it up to the chunks of cholesterol from the bacon double-cheeseburger choking off his neuro-transmitters, and you’ve got another item for your lawsuit. “Of course, my client’s crazy, your honor. It’s because of all the cheeseburgers and fries sold to him by the murderers who push that stuff, that my client’s blood is so thick that it has a viscosity rating.”

Obesity kills, which is an unpleasant fact that was first discovered by Virginia Rapp at one of Fatty Arbuckle’s parties, and it’s continued on an accelerated curve ever since. The U.S. surgeon general has said that obesity is the chief cause of death of an estimated 300,000 Americans each year, and costs $117 billion in health-related costs, including treatments for heart disease, high blood pressure, and herniated pall bearers.

Let’s say we give Mr. Barber his way without even going to court. Let’s force McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s and KFC to close their doors forever. Aside from driving Brian Dennehy to commit suicide, what would this accomplish? Would Caesar Barber get healthier and lose a hundred pounds? I’d be willing to bet that Hot & Now would triple their business in the following year, then they’d fall victim to a lawsuit as well.

Lawyers and lawmakers are careful to not overdo it and shut down those businesses that make things that are “bad” for us. After all, it’s not about health, it’s about money. Lawyers and the government need these businesses to flourish if they’re going to be able to pay gigantic settlements. They want cigarette manufacturers, fast-food joints, and other businesses that make things that are “unhealthy” for us to go out of business about as bad as Jesse Jackson wants to rid the world of bigotry.

If Barber would just quit eating fast food the several times a week that he’s admitted to doing, he’d save an awful lot of money and wouldn’t even need a frivolous and embarrassing lawsuit to make some cash. Then he’d have enough to be able to afford to retire to Barbados and meet up again with his long lost, retired friend, Personal Responsibility.

I’ve been doing some thinking about trying to get us all to band together and file a class-action lawsuit against people who file frivolous lawsuits. Sure there may be $117 billion a year in health-care related costs due to obesity, but if cases like this are victorious, how much a year will we be forced to waste on insurance and other related cost increases to pay billions a year to Chicken McNugget addicts and their slimeball attorneys? If we’re so concerned about health, how come nobody seems to care about the mental health of us ordinary Americans who are forced to witness and endure such inane stupidity?

It’s truly sad how many people can look at themselves in the mirror(s) and see something that they think somebody else should pay for. If they were really smart, they’d take up smoking. The tobacco money trail is now well traveled and a proven road to ill-gotten riches, so to speak. Even though by the time they get their money they’ll be dead, they’ll be able to leave the tobacco settlement money to their children, who can then afford to go out for cheeseburgers.

It’s not our fault that Caesar Barber and his fellow suers are overweight, and it’s not the fault of any particular restaurants, either. We all have enough problems without being blamed for somebody else’s as well. If these people would open their minds more and their mouths less, they’d find that their problems would almost seem to solve themselves.