Alec Baldwin: Yankee Doodle Doofus

By Doug Powers

Over the years, I’ve written much on how Alec Baldwin’s moronic statements – usually meant as jabs at conservatives that only end up making him sound like an escapee from Our Lady of the Botched Lobotomy – actually help forward the conservative agenda. In an effort to thank him, I established P*E*T*A*B* (People for the Ethical Treatment of Alec Baldwin) in order to encourage people not to verbally bash him, but to commit to letting him talk his arguments into the ground. We kept our commitment, and Alec is still letting neurons that misfire like the pistons on a ’71 Buick Skylark do all the talking.

The relationship between Baldwin, dumb comment and bad movie, is symbiotic. It’s an incompetent, perverted and somewhat hilarious three-way of tastelessness that embodies everything that’s unattractive about this country, and yet, at the same time, everything that makes this country great because it’s allowed. Because of that, Baldwin creates a yin and yang that the Han philosophers would have really appreciated. Recently, Alec threw another cord of deadwood into the fireplace of lucidity, as he suggested that a new Yankee Stadium be built on the site where the World Trade Center once stood.

Has a valid idea finally popped out of that cakehole just below Baldwin’s pompadour of pomposity? Not this time. Sometimes I wish there was a “Three strikes and you’re out” law in regard to what we might consider good ideas. We all think we have them from time to time. I’d say that at birth, we should be issued a card with three unpunched holes on it, and a device that we can use to punch other peoples’ cards. You get three original ideas in your entire life. Whenever you say to someone, “Hey, I’ve got a good idea …,” they take your card and put one punch in it, and you do the same for others. Of course, for just thinking of this, I’ve already wasted one punch on my card. Would this law exist, Alec Baldwin’s card would be about as pierced as the crowd at a Sex Pistols reunion concert. All those punches and not one good idea yet – what a shame.

There are several reasons that Baldwin’s plan of building a new Yankee Stadium at the site of the World Trade Center is a bad idea. Many consider the area to be a gravesite, and as such should remain untouched and not redeveloped. If someone told Baldwin that the area was an ancient Indian burial ground, do you think he’d be pitching a plan to build on the site? No way. That wouldn’t be politically correct in Baldwin-Land. He’d be the first out there protesting the evil capitalists’ (with apologies to his neighbors in the Hamptons later) plan to build on such a holy place – which is fine, since it would keep him from making another movie for a couple of days.

Others want to do different things with the site. Some want new office buildings built, some want a permanent memorial, but the most convincing argument against building Yankee Stadium there is that Alec Baldwin thought of it. Besides, George Steinbrenner isn’t going to want his team playing in a stadium that would come to be known as “The house that Thorazine built.”

Baldwin does have one thing right: The Yankees need a new stadium. The Yankees’ lease in the Bronx expires this year, and the team’s current home is falling apart. The disrepair of Yankee Stadium made headlines in 1998, as a 500-pound steel joint fell from the upper deck – apparently right onto Baldwin’s head. The place is falling apart, and it’s time to move on before the stadium becomes the “Michael Jackson’s face” of ballparks. The location of the new one, however, should not be ground zero in Manhattan.

This latest idea proves that it’s time for Alec to consider retirement from attempted intellectual pugilism, where he competes in the ring of ideas and practices the “rope-a-dope” technique, acting as the “dope” each and every time. He need not worry after retirement. Luckily for him, he’s got a dozen or so brothers who greatly resemble how he used to look before he programmed Hungry Howie’s on his speed-dial, so we’ll think he’s still around.

Baldwin does a fantastic job when he hosts Saturday Night Live. He’s funny and delivers lines with impeccable comedic timing. Perhaps he’s so good at humor because he gets a lot of practice at it while he’s trying to be serious.