Thanks for the laughs, United Nations

By Doug Powers

In a move taken straight from the “Berkeley Guide To Politically Correct Dating,” the United Nations has said, in essence, that it’s OK for the United States to invade Iraq, provided we get Iraq’s permission first. “May I invade” is the chapter in the book just after “May I put my arm around you” and “May I unhook your bra?”

The U.N. has sat idly by the last few years as Saddam Hussein has rebuilt an arsenal of chemical and biological weapons, and used financial goodies and other perks to lure nuclear scientists into the country in efforts to develop atomic weapons. Additionally, the United Nations now thinks that merely “inspecting” Iraq is OK, and they can actually listen without breaking into a paroxysm of laughter as Iraq says, in essence, “OK, but you can’t look in the crawl space.” Somewhere, a lump of Hell fodder named John Wayne Gacy is sitting on the end of Satan’s fork, calling the Hades Police Department to report the theft of his modus operandi.

It’s a good thing the U.N. wasn’t around in the 1770s. To this day, we’d be standing around Lexington and Concord, engaged in a heated debate over who gets the last box of powdered wigs. Tea prices would still be exorbitantly high, cars would be on the other side of the road, and the only “shot heard ’round the world” would be the one Ted Kennedy downed before trying to drive across a bridge.

Why would the United Nations even want the U.S. as a member state? They’re constantly whining about us owing them around a billion dollars (something I thought Ted Turner took care of with his billion-dollar donation, but from the sound of things, he changed his mind and instead decided to spend the money to have the world’s most expensive lobotomy). Not only does the U.N. claim we owe them money, but then they have the audacity to be headquartered in this country? If I’m just a few days late on my gym membership dues, they don’t let me in the door, let alone move the entire operation into my house. Something doesn’t add up.

The United States doesn’t owe a thing to the U.N. There is nothing in the bloated U.N. rulebook that compels any member state to pay dues. They could, however, try to sneak something in when we’re not looking. If that happens, our government will spot it right away. Third-party contracts, without the consent of the third party, is our specialty. The U.N. could only slip that one by us if our ambassador was busy checking out the legs on Liechtenstein Ambassador Claudia Fritsche. No wonder they’re all for Bill Clinton becoming a U.N. ambassador. The age-old technique of “distract and conquer” could then be applied with devastating effectiveness.

All this discussion and debate with the United Nations over what to do with Iraq could have been easily avoided by doing 10 years ago what we should be doing now – not listening to them. Thanks to pressure from the “international community,” the only job of the United States during the Gulf War was to get Iraqi forces back into their own country so Kuwait would be free to return to their democratic roots of complete male dominance, “honor killings” and forbidding women the right to vote. Yet another democracy restored.

The problem was and is that Hussein was allowed to stay. That wasn’t a problem for the U.N. though, because to bring him to his knees, sanctions were imposed – sanctions that have punished the innocent population of a country led by a man who couldn’t care less about the innocent population. What a well-thought out plan. If China ever invades Taiwan, don’t worry – the U.N. will bring them to their knees by recommending higher import taxes on plastic novelty poop.

Will Iraq “allow” the United States to invade? I doubt it. Darn it – back to the drawing board. The U.N. might only recognize Saddam’s potential once the needle on the Geiger counter in Tel Aviv, New York or London points to “Whoa Nellie!” Perhaps then, they will finally take action, putting out an urgent memo to all member states calling for an immediate meeting to discuss forming a committee to organize a debate on the issue.

Civilized discussion is a nice thing, but it does have a drawback: It’s only engaged in by the civilized.

Thanks for the efforts, U.N., but now it’s time to move on to solutions that work. Oh, and thanks for the laughs. If there is one service you effectively perform, it’s the provision of comic relief in times of stress.