A conservative Thanksgiving

By Doug Powers

As Thanksgiving rapidly approaches and our stomachs start digging a foxhole to prepare for the barrage of incoming turkey, let us pause to give thanks for some of the left-wing lunatics who provide us with comic relief.

We give thanks for the hypocritical left. The “share the wealth” caring nurturers who live in gated communities, whine about fossil-fuel pollution, think that public schools are just dandy, and then drive their kids to Montessori in an SUV. A special giving of thanks also goes to Barbra Streisand, who engages in a constant and brave struggle against the use of logic, which has been scientifically proven to poke holes in Hollywood’s protective bonehead layer.

We give thanks for those feminists who champion the cause of women’s rights, while their grandkids are in the backyard playing balloon toss with one of their old breast implants. We give thanks for folk singer Joni Mitchell, who once chastised us for paving paradise and putting up a parking lot, and later amended that to say that paving paradise was OK, provided the paradise was in Toronto, and the pavement was used to construct her star on the “Canadian Walk of Fame.”

We give thanks for those who shine the light of truth on people with illogical arguments – namely, those with the illogical arguments. The unwise who teach our children that the killing of the unborn is a “choice,” and then expect them to grow up with enough of a conscience left to care about saving turtle eggs, whales and rain forests. Mark my words: If that were a whale’s stereo keeping the radical pro-choice advocate awake at night, a turtle egg in front of them in the “10 items or less” line with 37 things, and a rain forest repossessing their car, they wouldn’t give a flying Birkenstock about animals or the environment, either. Just remember, those who learn the value of life from you are going to be the ones standing around your bed at Brittle Pines Nursing Home trying to figure out “what to do with Pa.”

We give thanks for the Democrats, many of whom showed us that respect and dignity have no place at a memorial service. Treating the memory of Paul Wellstone and members of his family like a pinata on Cinco de Mayo was a bad idea for them. This can be evidenced by the fact that on Election Day, for the most part, voters greeted Democrats with all the rapprochement of residents near Prince William Sound welcoming back Joe Hazelwood. We also give thanks for the Democrats inability to discern between which is the boat, and which is the iceberg, by choosing Nancy Pelosi as their House leader.

We give thanks for Michael Moore, fighter against all forms of corporate greed, except book-publishing companies, movie theaters and all-you-can-eat buffets. Moore’s special in that he has the audacity to urge people to give money to his corporation to see or read his latest attempts at making us hate corporations. To any good hypocritical liberal, the “corporate greed” vehicle must always turn around just before it gets to their corporation. Good left-wingers always make sure their philosophical house is built at the end of a cul-de-sac.

We give thanks for Susan Sarandon, who shows up at the protest gym almost monthly to exercise her right of incognizant dissonance. We give thanks for Susan’s criticism of the Bush plan of preemptive action against countries supporting terrorism, and introducing the brilliant “Sarandon plan,” which calls for the U.S. citizens to do nothing, teach the world that “violence begets violence,” and then be systematically murdered by anti-American zealots.

We give thanks for Ted Kennedy’s face, the sight of which reminds some of us of the honey glazed, spiral sliced ham we’ll be consuming at Christmastime. We also give thanks for newspaper photographers, who have now gone a whole year without publishing pictures of a shirtless Teddy swabbing the poopdeck on the SS Pantload. Ted and his family have proven to us, over the years, that blood is indeed thicker than water. Judging by some of Ted’s topless photographs, so thick that phlebotomists must measure his cholesterol level with a viscosity rating.

Finally, we give thanks for James Carville, who put a trash can over his head on election night, and ask his forgiveness to those of us who couldn’t tell the difference.

In the midst of stressful times, all of the above is evidence that we still have much to be thankful for. The circus of life would be boring without a few clowns.