“Here a nuke, there a nuke,
everywhere a nuke nuke,
Old MacDonald had a nuke,
ee i ee i o.”
Have I missed something? I thought that with the end of the Cold War Congress had declared a “peace dividend.” I’ve checked my mailbox faithfully. Nada, nyet, nothing.
The task of distributing the peace dividend fell to nine innings of Bush I and 18 of Clinton-Gore. I checked my address, replaced the faded numbers on my mailbox, and waited. Evidence slowly emerged that other folks were receiving their dividend – and I became somewhat anxious.
While I waited, Loral, Hughes, Boeing and other high-tech companies took matters into their own hands. They began selling missile and space technology to the Chinese, former Cold War enemies. Bingo! Instant peace dividend. About that same time, word began seeping out that the Democratic Party had received its peace dividend. This seemed to come from the Chinese, too. Bundles of it. I began to relax. The party of the people had heard me, they’d extracted the cash and my dividend check was as good as “in the mail.”
By now North Korea had heard about the peace dividend, too, and they put their bid in. Dismantling their nuclear bomb making project certainly seemed peaceful, so I was understanding when part of the peace dividend went to them. The United Nations dispatched inspectors, our president made a speech and the treasury sent the cash. I dusted off the numbers on my mailbox and waited. Checks were going out; surely it was only a matter of time?
NAFTA (the North American Free Trade Agreement) began taking effect. U.S. corporations flocked to Mexico, Mexicans flocked to the U.S., and Canada got its back up over lumber exports and Cuban cigars. Borders were relaxed. The stock market went wild. Money flooded into housing and real estate. China cranked up its prison factories to supply all the toys Americans were buying with peace dividend checks going out everywhere. But I began to wonder: Had my name somehow slipped off the list?
The Internet commercialized itself. Every would-be computer programmer who could string together the words, “give me the money” into a business plan became an instant multi-millionaire. Those who couldn’t string the words together went to work for those who could, but became only regular millionaires. It was clear to me that we were floundering in peace dividend. I called my congressman, but he was on a junket distributing the peace dividend to Third World dictators. A nice young man called back from my senator’s office, however, and assured me that the peace dividend was being well-spent. He advised patience. Russia had just asked for help in storing all the old Soviet Union’s nuclear weapons so they wouldn’t fall into the wrong hands. It was hard to argue with him on that.
Terrorists blew up the USS Cole. More terrorists blew up our embassies. Other terrorists blew up the Oklahoma City federal building, tried to blow up New York City, and for good margin exploded an airplane or two. Our president gave a speech, told us not to worry, peace was breaking out all around the world, and the dividend was safely socked away, earning good interest. He later allowed that he hadn’t actually checked on it personally, what with counseling all those White House interns taking so much of his time and all. But the country understood, and we told him to keep at it, which he did.
Taxes on the old homestead continued to rise. Hospitals began closing and doctors retiring because they couldn’t afford to give away health care to all those taking advantage of our open borders. Schools demanded more money for bilingual education. Criminals ordered deported found their way back into the country where they raped, robbed and murdered citizens still waiting for their peace dividend.
Those of us still waiting for our peace dividend grew dissatisfied and, following a long and protracted election, threw out the rascals who had been hoarding the peace dividend and sent a new crew to the capitol. No sooner had they begun cutting taxes to distribute the peace dividend than terrorists succeeded in blowing up New York City, and for good measure part of Washington, D.C., too! Fireman buried the dead they could find, the president gave a speech and Congress resolved it was time for a war on terror.
Russian mobsters sold the nukes we were paying to keep safe – to terrorists. North Korea said it had just been kidding about discontinuing its nuclear program, but thanks for the cash. Iraq gave the United Nations the Bronx cheer when asked about its nuclear program. If you got a peace dividend, I’m mighty happy for you. I hope you enjoyed it, because I think by now it’s all been spent.
