This week, I started thinking about cults. There are plenty of them, and though they may have vastly different belief systems, many have one thing in common: They end up extinct for one reason or another.
We’re already familiar with David Koresh’s “Branch Davidians,” who kept weaponry in their Waco compound until Janet Reno and the BATF helped take care of this “problem” – thanks to a couple of tanks and a Zippo lighter.
Jim Jones’ “Peoples Temple” took themselves out with some spiked Kool-Aid and a liberal amount of brainwashing. Marshall Applewhite’s “Heaven’s Gate” cult – the Hale-Bopp worshipping, sneaker-wearing comet-cadets – produced more nuts than a Planter’s factory, until one day thumbing a ride on the celestial taxi with a little help from curiously strong vodka tonics and Ziploc bags. The Raelian cult has made news recently for claiming they successfully cloned a human being. By “successfully,” I assume they mean that the baby doesn’t look like anybody in the Raelian cult.
In addition to the famous cults, there are several other lesser-known groups currently operating in the U.S. – but who are they, what is their belief system, and how will they too become extinct?
People Against Everything – Belief system: Group attains peace of mind by annoying normal people. PAE members engage in a relentless nitpick against school prayer, pledges of any kind, public display of the Ten Commandments, and in many cases, showering. Inevitable method of extinction: The PAE ends as a victim of its own belief system after a federal judge rules that “peskiness” is a religion.
The Market Calligraphers – Belief system: The way to eternal happiness is through fashioning a meticulously lettered check to the grocery store while everyone waits impatiently behind them in line. A monumental lack of self-esteem makes the Market Calligraphers aware that their only shot at a legacy may be an artistically written financial document to the Piggly Wiggly. Inevitable method of extinction: A quick and violent national uprising of shoppers, all triggered by an old lady at a Schenectady area Wal-Mart taking 15 minutes to fashion the “M” in “Marge.”
The Daschleians – Belief system: True enlightenment attained through elimination of conservative talk radio. Inevitable method of extinction: Conservative talk radio.
The Blue Oyster Cult – Belief system: Heaven reached only by playing classic rock at high volumes, preferably late at night and while keeping as many neighbors awake as possible. Members meet twice weekly to talk about what a great car their old Nova was, engage in ritualistic playing of air guitar whenever “Freebird” is on the radio, and sell plasma for cigarette and gas money. Inevitable method of extinction: As the core classic rock audience ages past the radio advertisers’ target audience, classic rock ceases to be played on the radio. Members simultaneously decide to “end it all” via a deadly mixture of Jack Daniels and Yanni.
The Sharptonettes – Belief system: The Sharptonettes (also known as “Brawley’s Gate”) consist entirely of females who are fanatically ready and willing to accuse white presidential candidates of rape to see to it that Al Sharpton is elected. Inevitable method of extinction: At a cult meeting, one of the Sharptonettes accidentally flicks a joint in Al’s hair. The ensuing oil fire claims the lives of most of the group, but Sharpton lives to lie another day.
Court of the Supremely Bitter – Belief system: Led by many public figures on the left, this organization achieves faux self-actualization by whining about how a conservative Supreme Court “selected” George W. Bush. Many members spent up to a year in Florida going through ballots. Inevitable method of extinction: Over time, many fall ill from what comes to be known as “chad inhalation”. By the time the next election rolls around, the CSB will have wheezed their last complaint about the unfair election process.
The Caucasian Jive – Belief system: This group of subversive, suburban white teen-agers think they can only gain acceptance by speaking in phony sounding black street lingo. Caucasian Jive members are easily identified by their upside-down visors and cargo pants, which are worn at half staff to mourn the loss of their dignity. Some claim the roots of this group, with many “street wise” members growing up in such notoriously tough neighborhoods as Green Meadows Estates and Tulip Gardens Condominiums, dates to as recently as the emergence of Eminem. Some historians, however, trace the beginnings of the Caucasian Jive back to Vanilla Ice and Marky Mark. Inevitable method of extinction: Doesn’t matter, so long as it happens.
Professional Writer – Belief system: Happiness through a literary career. Inevitable method of extinction: Not being able to think of anything to write about other than silly cults.
