Subversive celebrity dossier

Move over, Joe McCarthy – the Subversive Celebrity Dossier is here. The SCD is a comprehensive and ever-growing list of many of the nation’s famous, their views, pluses and minuses, and an “S” (subversiveness) rating.

The following are samples from the new website, CelebrityDossier.com, which will be updated regularly in the coming weeks.

Susan Sarandon

Born in 1946 as one of the many products of the post V-J day schtup-fest, the outspoken actress, war protester and social activist has a resume that is a testament to redundancy.

Quote: “Let us hate war in all its forms, whether the weapon used is a missile or an airplane.”

Anti-quote: Hollywood hates war so much that they’ve profited billions of dollars depicting it.

Pluses: Smart enough to marry another liberal activist so as to help diffuse the crazy. Bull Durham was a pretty good movie. She’s afraid for the Iraqi children.

Minuses: Not afraid for our children. Spotted with armpits that made it look like she had Rodney Allen Rippy in a headlock.

Rating: Potentially subversive. Inability to effectively convey a cohesive left-wing message ensures that, even though the message may be delivered, it’s rarely received. “S” = Medium

Fun fact: Brain powered only by the electricity generated by a pygmy hamster running on an exercise wheel.

Michael Moore

If Karl Marx’s Fry-Daddy could talk, it would sound like Michael Moore. The director of “Roger & Me” and “Bowling for Columbine” is the epitome of frumpy, guilt-ridden white liberalism. Moore is Phil Donohue after a glue-sniffing binge and a summer at “Noam Chomsky’s Kommie Kidz Kamp.”

Quote: “Al Gore is the elected president of the United States.”

Anti-quote: Al thinks so too, which is why he was spotted in his breakfast nook delivering a “State of the Union” speech to a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

Pluses: Sticks to his positions even under intense criticism from rational people. The only thing Moore’s ever compromised is the architectural integrity of the stage he’s on.

Minuses: Wherever you see him, you assume it’s the bus stop. Condescension to white people is overshadowed only by his condescension to minorities.

Rating: If you don’t think, Moore’s arguments may sound logical. Joe McCarthy would have had night sweats over this one. “S” = High

Fun fact: Once sustained bruises and abrasions after swinging so far to the left that he crashed into John Birch, who was swinging too far to the right.

Janeane Garofalo

The non-conforming, cynical actress-comedienne has been trying her hand at conformity lately, fitting nicely into the Hollywood mold of being a pest about something she knows nothing about.

Quote: “There is no evidence of weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.”

Anti-quote: That’s the perk of being a celebrity. You get an advance copy of Sean Penn’s report.

Pluses: Courageous enough to leave Saturday Night Live in ’94, with the guts to say that the show had dropped in quality (ironically, the show got funnier after she left). Kind of cute after a few beers, but only if the one doing the drinking is Rosie O’Donnell.

Minuses: Introspective people who are only 5-feet, 1-inch tall are annoying at best. Deep self-examination works best tall. Short people only reach the top if they’re wise and don’t whine, as evidenced by Mother Teresa, Voltaire, the Dalai Lama, Yoda, Gandhi, Immanuel Kant and Pat Benatar.

Rating: Too much angst, not enough substance, but at least she means it, and best of all, she’s harmless. “S” = Low

Charles Durning

Nothing on him. Quiet. Got to be up to no good.

Rating: “S” = Very High

Alec Baldwin

Baldwin (a.k.a. “The Pompadour of Pomposity”) is the “moron who cried wolf” of the Hollywood bunch – so much so that nothing that comes out of his well-coiffed head is to be believed. Alec has been ticketed several times for driving down the wrong side of the intellectual highway.

Quote: “If Bush is elected, I’ll leave the country.”

Anti-quote: Well, maybe he was talking about Kate Bush.

Pluses: Nice hair. A while back, he annoyed 300 attendees for a couple of hours at an East Hampton town council meeting. Spoiled Hamptonians, who can waste a few hours on a weekday arguing about where to put a country club parking lot, deserve all of the headaches he can deal them.

Minuses: Idiocy is to Baldwin what the horn was to Harpo Marx. It’s his shtick, so he’ll not likely throw it away anytime soon.

Rating: Some people do agree with him, but only in between methadone treatments. “S” = Medium.

Fun fact: Reynolds Guyer invented the Nerf ball after seeing Baldwin’s cat scan photos.