Not in the mood: A panda love crisis

I was worried about men, until I heard about the pandas.

Pandas, it seems, may face extinction unless they get it together in the bedroom department – and soon. Scientists say traditional Chinese herbal medicine “failed to lift the animals’ libido.” Then, brief talk of dosing the pandas with Viagra fizzled.

This is no routine from Comedy Central.

Although the remaining 1,000 pandas left in the world are in a Romance-induced population crisis, seems to me scientists must be the frustrated ones. Science is about control, and these scientists can’t control the Panda-Guys.

The Panda-Guys won’t stand still to have their pictures taken. Nor will they do the Horizontal Mambo. On cue, or otherwise.

How coy.

By now, the Panda-Ladies must be forming Lonely Panda Hearts Clubs, and advertising for suitors on the Internet. Panda personals. I can see it now.

Guy-Pandas are, well, guys. Though their lives depend on it, the Guy-Pandas shy away from making love. If we believe a newspaper named the “Beijing Youth Daily,” the male panda can only mate for 10 to 20 seconds at a time, “and hence the chances of getting the female pregnant are very low. With Viagra, the male could mate for up to 20 minutes.”

Do we really care about the quality of panda sex when so many humans remain unfulfilled? I ask you.

So what if pandas, like the Amish, hate to have their pictures taken. Yes, they seem to be turning their backs on everybody, intended mates and paparazzi, kind of like your typical young male Hollywood star. Well, Panda-Guys are just acting like, well, guys.

Seriously.

Look, granted the pandas are an uncontrollable bunch, but do they really need to be artificially roused by human drugs with possible deadly side effects? Sure, guy pandas seem to turn their backs on their intended mates, but they also ignore adoring press photographers. Is that such a bad thing? Who among us can really get into coupling-on-command?

Surprise! Pandas aren’t exhibitionists, either.

Why must we always have pharmacological intervention? Why not enhance the female pandas’ allure? Brush up Panda-Babe seduction skills? Let them learn Panda-Belly-Dancing, even.

And where’s Marabel Morgan when we need her? She could re-invent … The Total Panda-Woman. Greet your Panda-Sweetie at the door, clad only in Saran-Wrap and a big red bow. Yes, it might outrage Panda-Feminists against sex-objectification of the, uh, Little Woman-Panda. But it might also do wonders to galvanize the apparent monotony of Panda monogamy, doncha think?

The Total Panda. Has a certain ring to it.

Maybe Panda-Babes need their own Panda Romance Channel to engulf themselves in inspirational soft-focus soap opera fantasies about Panda Stud-Muffins and Panda Love-Bunnies. Channeling lost Panda-lovers for the Panda-lovelorn.

HoneyBaybeeSweetiePandaBoy-Dot-ComBack.

Or, how about Martha Stewart turning her talents to Panda-romance. Make their own Panda-valentines. Here’s how to pound tree-pulp into paper for those fabulous Panda-lace doilies. Weave Romantic love-knots out of Panda-fur. Grow your own. No valentine is complete without them. Pandas, begin work on this right around your fifth birthday.

Perhaps they need an Advice Diva for Divorced Panda-Dudes? Or the Panda Relationship Yenta. Panda-Ladies, is your Panda-Honey newly separated or recently divorced? Make sure he’s gone through his kid-in-a-candy-store stage. If not, run from these alluring creatures now.

Think garlic – great protection!

OK, let’s really talk about Panda-romance. If you’re anything like me, Panda-Ladies, it could be you like this Panda-Dude, but sometimes you notice you’re not really getting anywhere with him.

Try reading “Dressing Panda-Sexy” by Neige Schwartz: What to reveal and how to reveal it. How to avoid the Trashy-Panda look. And 239 irresistible tips to make conversations stop, heads turn, glasses steam. But beware of Stalkers, the lust-laden version of poachers.

Or peruse “52 Panda-Friday Nights,” by Pannie-May Furbelow, whose delicious fantasies have helped countless couples put the blaze back in their bedrooms. Let Pannie take you Panda-Babes on a spice-filled parade of pleasure progressing from sweet irresistible scenarios to – nudge, wink, leer – sensual bliss.

Ah, it’s just no joke Hallmark could create an entire gazillion-dollar Panda-romance industry preying on emotional “he/she/Panda-Bear loves me, loves me not” insecurity, when you consider the apocryphal St. Valentine-Panda, sacrificial patron saint of love was put to death on the day named after him.

Perhaps all pandas really need to be wild is … let them go back to the wild. Stop bothering them. Leave them alone – with each other, some patchouli incense, plus a few pretty paisley silk scarves thrown over the moon.